St Muckymuck - Episode 9: Revelation

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

The Centurion Hotel after the fire alarm
 

The applause went on and on.  People smiled  at and spoke with each other about the remarkable ability of musical diva Venus Divagawa as she took her bow after singing "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair".  Then, she pointed to the girls, as the applause rocked the roof over the protected space between the hotel and the St Bunnicula Square train station.  "Come on girls, take your bow!"  The sound of the applause rose by orders of magnitude as the girls bowed and smiled.

Presently, the concierge of the hotel came out the double doors.  "The hotel is all clear.  You may return to the premises now!"

People began to make their way to the door.  "After you, Ms. Divagawa!" said the concierge, holding the door for her.

"Why, thank you.  You're such a gentleman," she said, pinching his cheek.  He blushed bright red.

"You're most welcome, Ms..."

She cut him off.   "Ah, ah, ah...you must call me Venus.  I insist!" she said

The concierge blushed more deeply.  "Thank you, Ms...I mean...Venus."

She pinched his cheek again and sauntered past him, her hips kind of swivelly and swervy.  People shouted praise at her.  "That was wonderful, Ms. Divagawa!"  "I hope there is more where that came from!"  "We can't wait to see you on Scottish Hometown Intercity Talent, Vennie!"

She bowed her head and smiled at people, waving as she made her way across the lobby to the lift.  As she pushed the button, the girl who had come into her room to make sure she'd heard the  fire alarm approached her.  "Sorry about the interruption, madame.  I've already turned the water back on so you can return to your shower."

"Why, thank you.  Thank you very much," Venus said.  "That was very thoughtful.  I shall speak to the concierge about the quality of your service."

The bell rang and the lift doors opened.  Venus was so busy talking with the hotel girl that she failed to notice the swish of black dress and blonde hair that swept past her, fixing her with a contemptuous stare as the lift doors shut.  Once at her room, Venus retrieved her room key from her cleavage and pranced into the room.

The shower was hissing merrily as she returned her tiara to the safe in the closet and made her way into the bathroom.  She removed the towel, stepped into the shower and was humming away cheerfully when the screaming sound of the fire alarm sounded for a second time.  She hadn't had time to rinse the suds out of her hair.

She retrieved the towel, positioned the "Princess" script across her ample busom and dashed down the stairs to the lobby.  She had no sooner walked out the double doors to the space between the hotel and the train station when someone from the crowd shouted, "Sing us another song, Venus!"  The crowd began to applaud and cheer loudly.

She climbed the stairs at the double doors to the makeshift stage.  "Where are my back up singers?"  The chorus of girls that had joined her for the previous ditty were no where to be found.  She looked around from one side of the crowd to the other.  She then bowed her head, dramatically, at which the crowd became library silent.

Then she began to sing:

On my own...

 *  *  *

"You're kidding!" said Damian Swashbuggles, holding his cell phone out from him as though it was carrying an extremely contagious disease.  "When did this happen, Sheila?...I see...I see...I see...well, what do you suggest we do?  I mean...the show starts Friday...yes...yes...yes...well, you'll just have to tell her that he has to be there regardless of his radiation treatment!"  He turned off the phone and threw it down on the desk and swore.  "UGH!  He sprang from his chair and marched out of his office, slamming the door.  

"Where are you headed, SB?" said his voluptuous secretary, Velma MacAw.

"Get the KBC on the line and tell them I have to make an announcement.  I'm going downstairs right now to get on the air with Chambers.  Sharpish!"

"Yes, sir.  What's the problem?" she said, shuffling behind her giant glass desk and lifting the receiver on the phone.

"He's backed out on us!"

"Who?"

"Frederick MacDougall...you're McCorkindale boyfriend!"

"Ohhhhh..." she said, her face falling.  "Not Freddy.  What's the matter?"

"His turtle is having radiation treatment for a shell tumor on Friday.  He can't make the show!"

"Oh, poor little guy.  Timmy the Turtle has a tumor?"

"Yes, don't rub it in!"

"Who are you going to for a replacement?" she asked the receiver to the phone held inches from her ear.  The dial tone could be heard from some distance away.

"Dunno.  I'll think about that tomorrow!  I've put a call in.  I don't want to say in case it jinxes everything!"

"Right!"  she said, pushing a button on the phone.  Damian Swashbuggles swept from the room.

* * *

"SB, you're back so soon," said Chambers Flannary, smiling widely.  "To what do we owe this great honor!"

"Well, Chambers, it has just been discovered that Freddy won't be joining us."

Chambers' face fell in much the same way as Velma's had.  "Oh, dear," he said.  "That is really tragic.  What's the reason?"

"I'm not at liberty to say," said Damian.

"It must be Timmy," said Chambers, knowledgeably.  "He's been sick with cancer for months now."

"How do you know about Timmy?" said Damian completely taken by surprise. 

"Well anyone who watches McCorkindale knows that Timmy's been sick.  There was an announcement on this very show last week that Timmy's illness has affected Freddy's ability to perform.  It's very sad."

"It is indeed," said Damian.  He looked thoroughly annoyed by this.  Didn't anyone realize that nothing was more important than this show!

*  *  *

The Centurion Hotel, following the second fire alarm of the day

"That was splendid!"  "It brought tears to my eyes!"  "No one sings that like you do, Ms. Divagawa!"

"Thank you, thank you!" she said, curtsying.  "I'm so very happy to be here with all my adoring fans."  She blew a kiss to the audience as the concierge appeared and announced the second all clear of the day.

"Thank you, Raymond," she said, as she pinched his cheek again and entered the hotel.  "You're such a hunk!"  He smiled and blushed.

"I'll take you to your room, Ms. Divagawa," he said, pushing the lift button for her.

"That would be lovely," she said, smiling at him.  Her beautiful, brown eyes seemed to twinkle.  "Would you be so kind as to hold my tiara?" she handed it to him before he'd responded.  "I find it gives me a headache to wear it for too long!"

He accompanied her to her room and helped her return the tiara to the safe in the closet.  The shower was already running again.  "You're so kind to do that for me, Raymond," she said.

"Not at all!  Not at all!  I had Esther do it as she did for the last one!"

Venus pinched his cheek and he bade her good night.  She had no sooner gotten into the shower then the alarm went off for a third time.

"Goodness!" she said, replacing the towel, tiara, and clear shoes.  "I'm going to start having shower paranoia like Janet Leigh!"

When she walked out the grand double doors, the crowd was already awaiting her, as were the chorus of white toweled girls.  As though accompanied by an invisible orchestra, she opened both double doors and the girls began to sing.  

One!  Singular sensation...

She proceeded through the line of girls and out into the crowd, who soon joined in with the tune.  She did a short dance and then literally formed a chorus line.  She and her chorus of lovely ladies kicked, circled, and danced out into St Bunnicula Square.  Everyone was singing from the policemen wandering the streets to the ladies who ran Sam n' Ella's cafe.  As the entire square began to sing the song for a third time, they all formed an enormous chorus line.  People got out of their cars, the buses halted and passengers and drivers alike poured into the square.  Even the birds seemed to fly in perfection formation with the infectious nature of the song.

When all was ended, there were so many people in the square and such a spectacular commotion that there was a concern about Venus' safe return to the hotel.  Raymond, the hotel concierge approached her in the center of the square under St. Bunnicula's monument.  "Ms. Divagawa, we'll take you in the back of the hotel so as to avoid a mob scene!"

"I think that would be best.  Thank you, Raymond!"

Raymond led her through the crowd back to her hotel room.  She had no sooner gotten into the shower than the alarm went off for the fourth time.  All the guests rushed out.  Some of them expressing frustration at having their afternoon sherry disturbed yet again.  Raymond ran down a deserted hall right past an intimidating figure.  This figure was seated on a small folding chair wearing an elegant black dress that increased her remarkable resemblance to Rosemary Clooney: none other than Mys Tery.  She was sitting with her legs crossed next to an enormous red and white sign that read:

NO SMOKING

UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES

ANYONE CAUGHT WILL BE SUBJECT TO A FINE OF

£187,777,777!

On the end of a long, black, slender cigarette holder smoldered a cigarette, smoke rising in ringlets to the ceiling where the screeching hotel fire alarm was located, a light in the center of it glowing bright red.  She was positively howling with laughter as loudly as possible as she took a long drag and blew the smoke upward.  With the cigarette holder clenched between her teeth, she said quite distinctly.  "BITCH!" and then began howling again.

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.