St Muckymuck - Episode 7 - Cupboard Love

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

The Church Hall

Ina was watching with interest the massive queue of thirsty worshippers, who were by this time standing five deep, in a queue which wound round the exterior wall of the church hall - twice.

“Hmm.....they’ll be some time yet” she mused, glancing over at Chris, who was practising some new tongue twisters for the choir at the old piano in the corner of the hall.

She wiggled over towards him, her 7 inch silver stilettos clattering over the uneven wooden floor.

“Chris....” she licked her lips.

“Ina!” he replied. “What can I do you for?” he asked with mock seriousness.

“Oooh, you could let me touch your organ.” Ina ran her hand up and down Chris’s arm.

“Ina!” cried Chris. “People are watching”.

“No they’re not” she said, “they’re too busy being insulted by Gladys.”

“I’ve told you before, I’m busy.” he said firmly.

“It’ll only take a minute.....” she wheedled, nodding towards the store cupboard. She undid the top button of her low-cut black satin blouse, revealing a scarlet corset, trimmed with black satin ribbons, her bosom heaving with anticipation.

Chris sighed heavily. “Oh, ok Ina.” he said. “I give in. But just the once, ok? I’ve got to go soon.  I have some patterns to file for the Moggies’ crotchet group.”

Chris was principal drama teacher at St Mocheomoc School for Misguided Minors. He ran the crotchet group as well as the one-note choir and coached the ball-less soccer team.

“Don’t get your needles in a twist! I’ll be through with you in no time.” soothed Ina.

Chris reluctantly followed her into the broom cupboard. It was dusty and rather cramped, and full of vandalised hymn books, stained vestments, unflattering portraits of Archbishop Biscotti, and damaged and disfigured statues, including one of St Mocheomoc himself, holding a decapitated penguin.

The damage to the statue had occurred at the last Muckymuck church fete, when it had been used as target practice for the water cannon contest. Father Gabriel had got rather carried away whilst competing against the local nursery school pupils, known as The Moggettes, and turned the water cannon on full pelt, knocking the head off the penguin.  He also damaged St Mocheomoc’s left eye, leaving it hanging somewhat gruesomely by a piece of wire, dangling in mid-air over St Mocheomoc’s nose.

The statue stood at an odd angle within the cupboard and was currently being used as a mannequin. Father Eric had hung his favourite Hallowe’en costume over it which was a rather fetching Sherlock Holmes get-up. He had placed Sherlock’s pipe in Mocheomoc’s mouth and his deer stalker hat at a jaunty angle on his head adding to the statue’s already bizarre and incongruous appearance.

Ina slammed the door shut, trapping Chris between St Mocheomoc and a wooden pallet on top of which lay a row of tall plants, with ultra violent lights trained on them. On a shelf beneath the pallet lay a book called The Beginners Guide to Growing Cannabis.

Chris raised an eyebrow.

“Now.....” Ina purred, “is that your crotchet needle or are you just pleased to see me.....”

Chris sighed resignedly.

*************************

Meantime, Shug was wandering aimlessly around the hall, clutching his cellphone in one hand and a cold, weak cup of tea in the other, sold to him by Gladys. He suspected that was the eighth time that particular teabag had been wrung out and used.

He heard ominous banging noises coming from the direction of the broom cupboard and felt himself stiffen.

He looked around furtively. Who or what could that be? Was Dick in the cupboard getting up to no good?

He took a deep breath, steeled himself and strode over to the cupboard door, all the while the banging and moaning getting louder.

Bravely, he placed his hand on the door of the cupboard, which by this time was vibrating and rattling loudly.................

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.