St Muckymuck: Episode 10: STRESS

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

KBC Studios

Frieze Church Street

Kilcathclyde

"Jo, this microphone isn't working!" said Mys Tery standing up and adjusting the small mic hidden in her bosom.  "Oh dear, oh dear!" she howled as the mic slid further and further down the bodice of her dress.  "I'm going to have to go to my dressing room and retrieve this!"

"Oh GAWD, she'll be gone for hours..." murmured Venus Divagawa seated at the table next to her, putting on her nail polish.  She blew on her nails.  "And God only knows what else we'll find up that skirt!"

Mys Tery fit her with a severe stare.  "Well, can I help it if my boobs are bigger than yours?"

Venus looked up at her and squinted.  "Yes, and they hang down below your knees, Honey.  Mine are still perky!"  She tapped her left breast lightly.

"At least I'm dressed.  Look at you, still doing your nails.  And in public!" said Mys Tery.

"This isn't public," retorted Venus.  "And it isn't my fault I'm not properly dressed.  It took me several hours just to take a shower this morning!"

"And why is that, Venus?  Have trouble finding the right knobs to twiddle?"

A squat and masculine woman ran to the front of the stage from the back of the house.  "Ladies, please!  We're trying to rehearse for the show!" she said in a high soprano voice that did not match her body.

The two divas stared at each other fiercely neither wishing to display any sort of weakness in front of the other.  "It isn't my fault," said Mys Tery.  "Blame the chippie here!"

Venus Divagawa gasped in outrage.  "How dare you call me a chippie!  You take that back!"

Mys Tery laughed loudly.  "When pigs fly!  Besides, if the shoe fits..." she took off her black high heeled pump and held it up to Venus Divagawa's face.  "...put it on!"  She threw it at the musical diva.

At that moment Damian Swashbuggles entered the back of the house.  "Sorry I'm late, Jo.  Still trying to sort out who's going to fill in for Freddy."

Mys Tery looked concerned.  "Oh dear, it isn't Timmy is it?"

Venus Divagawa looked concerned, too.  "Oh no!  Is Timmy's tumor not shrinking!"

Mys Tery looked over at her.  "No, isn't it awful?"

"Yes," responded Venus, her hand on her chest.  "I can't believe this is happening!  I must go to the hospital after the rehearsal to see what I can do."

Mys Tery took her hand and comforted her.  "I'll go with you, Vennie."

"Oh, that's so sweet!  Thank you Tery."

"Oh brother, not you two, too!" said Damian.  He watched the girls cuddling one another and rolled his eyes.  "Can we get on with this rehearsal?  I have work to do for tomorrow night.  Don't forget that the auditions start this afternoon at 3:00 pm sharp.  So if you're going to visit Timmy the Turtle's tumor, you'd better get to it."

*  *  *

KBC News Studio

Later that afternoon

"Well, SB, to what do we owe this great honor?  This is now the third time we've seen you in two days!"

"I'm very glad to be here, Chambers.  It gives me great joy and some relief to announce we have our fourth judge.  You know that Freddy MacDougall's turtle, Timmy, has a tumor?"

"Yes, very tragic.  We're hoping that Timmy the turtle will traverse to happy health soon."

"Well, we've got his replacement.  I'm sure that everyone is going to be happy when I say who it is," said Damian.

"Don't keep us in suspense any longer, SB.  Who can it be?" demanded Chambers, leaning over the desk.  "Come on!"

"It is none other than Nicholas Strathearn-Smythe!"

"The professional oboist?" asked Chambers, his eyebrows disappearing into his toupee.

"Yes!  We thought that his musical background would make him perfect for the job!!" said Damian, pounding the desk enthusiastically.  "This day is getting better and better!"

*  *  *

KBC Rehearsal Auditorium

3:10 pm

"All right!  All right!  Everyone take your places, please.  Quickly now.  And quietly!" said Jo.  The massive group of men, women, children and several animals all took their seats anxiously.  "I need you all to fill out one of these forms and turn them in.  We CANNOT have an audition without a form.  I hope you'll welcome three of our four judges who are seated in the back of this room."

The whole lot, including the animals, turned and looked at the back.  "HI!" they all said.  Mys Tery, Venus Divagawa, and Damian Swashbuggles waved back, smiling slightly.

"OK!  Let's get this show on the road.  The way this works is that you will stand up, hand me your form, announce your name and your act and the song you are auditioning with.  Those chosen from this first round of auditions will go to the second round this evening.  And the winners of the second round will then proceed to be on Friday night's show on the KBC.  The rest of the procedure you know.  Is that clear?" asked Jo.

"Yes, Jo!" the group answered back.  There was also a loud bark, several tweets, a few chirps, and a meow.

"Wonderful.  Let's get started!"

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.