WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:
IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.
THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL. ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.
IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.
Monday, 9:45 am
Kilcathclyde Cat Cotillion Veterinarian Hospital
The mid-February chill swept into the office when the door opened. A small, somewhat frail-looking, elderly woman entered the building. She sported a shiny black cane, an usually small handbag, and sunglasses. This last personal article had nothing to do with the sun. The glasses were, in fact, specially designed to assist someone who was legally blind. She began turning on the lights and opened a large glass window between a waiting room and the tidy office behind.
"Good morning, peeps," she said. Just outside the office door was a vast sparkling white veterinary office. One entire wall was composed of various size cubicles that the animals lived in while under the care of the doctor. The smallest ones were on top and on the bottom were great huge ones for large dogs and other greater subjects of the animal kingdom. A great cacophony of replies came from the animals, "Good morning, Emma." "So good to see you." And "It's a lovely morning, isn't it?" Emma understood them all perfectly, naturally. Her many years in espionage during WW II and afterward meant that she had learned a whole host of foreign languages including Felinese, Caninian, and Cuniculitian.
"How are we all this morning? How about you Tang?" she asked of a pitch black cat with piercing golden eyes in one of the upper stories. "Is your fistula better?"
"Yes, Emma, much better today. Thank you for asking," he replied in a velvety smooth tenor voice.
"Oh, that's wonderful. I'm so glad to hear it," she replied. "I hope you'll be released today and you can go home and get some proper rest."
"And how has your work with the Archdiocese been going?" he asked.
"I wish I could report good news, Tang," she said, sighing. "But alas! We are a long way from Rome."
"Well, the wheels of progress grind slowly in the Catholic Church, don't they?"
"That they do, Tang. That they do," said Emma, resignedly.
"You know they only let Galileo off house arrest not nineteen years ago," said Tang. "I suppose true reform will take as long."
"I think your assessment is probably accurate, Tang. Luther's objections weren't formally addressed until 1963!" she said, stiffening.
"Yes, what is that? Something like 446 years..."
"Indeed," she said, sighing. "I'm always impressed with your math skills, Tang."
"Well, living with a mathematics professor for the last fifteen years has helped!" They both laughed, musically.
The front door of the office opened and in came Ina Mallarky and Shug Grant. "Oh, dreadful weather," said Shug.
"Aye," said Ina. "Horrible morning, isn't it? My hair will go all frizzy and weird before lunch at this rate."
"You don't look too bad," said Shug. "You look alright to me."
"Ta," replied Ina. "It's never been the same since the Hibernation. If I so much as sneeze, it goes all poofy. It's dreadful."
"I have the same problem with my eyes being puffy. Ever since we all awoke, my eyes are darker and baggier than ever. It drives me mad. There's nothing worse for a gay, American male than puffy eyes!"
The two of them carried their cats in small carriers and approached the open office window.
"Good morning, Emma," said Shug. "You look lovely this morning!"
"You sly devil you," said Emma, batting her eyelashes. "Flattery will get you everywhere."
"How are you Emma?" said Ina, brightly.
"Fine, just fine. And how 'bout yourself, Ina?"
"Well, still a bit foggy from the Great Sleep but otherwise, OK."
"Glad to hear it. And how's that handsome husband of yours?" asked Emma, smiling.
"Damian's as good as ever," she said.
"Excellent, I've got a problem with my plumbing that I'd like for him to take a look at."
"Oh, that will be no problem at all, Emma. I'll phone him when we've checked in these two," said Ina, nodding toward the two cats in their carriers.
"Good morning, Boys," said Emma, as Shug and Ina placed their pets on the counter.
"Good morning, Emma," they both replied together. Shug and Ina didn't hear this because Felinese is a telepathic language. It was one of Emma's specialties. She could speak 129 dialects fluently. Inside Shug's carrier was a black and white cat. He was handsome with striking green eyes and near perfect, even markings. "Did our feline friend and her priestly owner get off on their flight alright?" she said.
"Aye," said Ina's cat. He was a hulky, handsome and thoroughly Glaswegian orange tabby. "They were off on Saturday evening right on schedule at 8:45 pm."
"'At's great," replied Emma. "I think a bit of time to himself in a foreign spa will do him some good."
"I agree with that," said Bandit, his American twang coming through loud and clear.
"It was good to think they'd be getting a bit of time to themselves," said Ginger. "And to see them off."
"Oh, you were present for the Gathering?"
"We both were," said Bandit. "I snuck out around 7:00 and met Ginger outside his house."
"How lovely!" said Emma.
"Aye!" said Ginger. "Yes," said Bandit at the same time.
"How's Elsie doing?" asked Emma.
"She's improving steadily. Her leg was reattached using keyhole surgery. All the nerves and everything. She's supposed to regain full use in three to six months. And an implant was put into her eye. She actually has a bionic eye!" said Bandit.
"Really?" said Emma. "It's impressive what they can do these days, isn't it?"
"Aye," said Ginger. "Timmy came with her to the Gathering."
"Oh, I'd heard a rumor that Elsie and Timmy had moved in together. How is he?"
"As well as can be expected," said Bandit. "But he seems OK. Mind you, it's better that he's home where he belongs. I think those two are good for each other. It was really nice of their owners to allow them their own space. Kinda sweet."
"Aye," said Emma. "Very sweet."
"OK, you two," said Emma to the owners. She had completed their paperwork while talking to Bandit and Ginger. "Sign here each of you and that's you sorted."
"Thank you, Emma," said Shug, signing. "Be good, you!"
"And that goes for you, as well, Ginger. Mummy wants to hear what a gentleman you've been when she picks you up."
"They'll be done around 4 this afternoon. It's just a check up for the two of them," said Emma.
"OK, we'll be back later then. Good bye, Boys," said Ina. All Shug and she heard was two muffled, melancholy mews. "Bless them!" she said as Shug opened the door for them to exit.
"I'll get your rooms ready, Boys, I'll be right back." Within a few minutes, Emma had transferred the two cats to their temporary accommodation. She closed the doors. "Now, then. I've left these unlocked so you can have a little time together. I'll be in the office if you need anything. Just holler," she said, cheerfully.
"Thank you, Emma," said Bandit. "It's really nice of you to do this for us. It's so difficult for us to get any time together. Sometimes it's like we're in foreign countries even though we live just five minutes apart."
"Yes, ta and ta again," said Ginger.
"Not at all, Boys, not at all!" she said. "But now I have to get back to work. Dr. McKathbyrne will be in any minute. And you know how he likes everything ship shape." She went back to the office.
"It's so wonderful to be here with you," said Bandit sotto voce to Ginger through his cell door. "I can think of nowhere I'd rather be than by your side."
"Aye," said Ginger, whispered. "There's nothing better than being with my laddie."
©2011 Steven Gorman. All rights reserved.
