ST MUCKYMUCK: January 2011

Friday, 28 January 2011

Episode 30: Whispers on the Couch

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL. ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

Friday, 10:30 pm

"Chi Chi," whispered Nettie very softly.

"Wha'?" he replied in the same low voice.

"Is he asleep?"

Both cat and dog turned to look at Fr. Gabriel who was sound asleep in the green reclining chair, with his feet propped up. The large flat-screen television that was hung on the wall next to the fireplace was blaring away the VDNews. His glasses were askew on his face, his mouth was half open, and the remote was threatening to drop to the floor at any moment as it gradually slipped through his relaxed wrist hanging over the side of the chair.

"Did you see the announcement?" asked Nettie, turning back to Chi Chi as they sat on the green leather sofa that angled toward the slumbering priest as well as the television.

"Yes, I did," said Chi Chi.

"We have to alert the others," said Nettie. "But how! I don't see Fr. Gabriel's iPhone. At that precise moment, a distinct "tap tap tap" was heard at the French doors that faced the vast courtyard between the cathedral house, the bishop's palace, and the cathedral itself. There was a small, green parrot waiting there, peering in eagerly.

Nettie and Chi Chi looked at Fr. Gabriel who shifted in his chair, finally dropping the remote to the floor with a thud. They both jumped down and ran to the door. It was securely fastened as Nettie discovered. She indicated for the parrot to come around to the side of the house.

They turned and dashed down the hall, turned right and then left, down another hall to the laundry room, where a window stood cracked slightly to allow for the drying clothes hanging from a ceiling rack to dry. The parrot squeezed in.

"Celery, we must get a message to the others? Did you see?" said Nettie.

"Yes, I saw. But not all of it. That's why I came over. When is it?"

"It's tomorrow night at 8:00 pm in St. Bunnicula Square. Everyone must come without exception. As many as can. This will be a very special, special event," said Nettie, sitting.

"What do I tell them? What's it called?" asked Celery, blinking anxiously.

Nettie thought for a moment, then said, "Just tell them it's a gathering."

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

St Muckymuck Episode 29. Strangers In the Night

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

Ep 29 – Monday 7pm, church hall

The choir were very keen to catch up on all the rehearsals they missed during December and insisted on coming to the hall every night to practice all the Christmas carols they didn’t get to sing.

Gladys was in a good mood, and was busy making tea, wearing her new plastic St Mocheomoc apron with matching oven gloves. She handed out the stale mince pies, kindly donated by Father Gabriel. She cut off the bits of blue mould first of course and the choir wolfed them down. Gladys was warming to her new position as tea lady and the feeling of power and control it gave her.

Meanwhile, Felicity Charpentier McClark was huddled in a corner of the hall, concentrating very hard on her latest musical composition.

Felicity was 58 years old and a spinster of the parish. She sang alto in the choir and had a secret and inappropriate crush on Shug.

She was comfortably off, her parents having owned and run Kilcathclyde’s first fish and chip shop in St Bunnicula Square, called For Cod’s Sake. It was opened in 1956 and sold fish, chips, ice cream and confectionery.

Her mother Lizzie died in 1972 after falling into the ice cream making machine where she lay unnoticed for 2 days, and was only discovered when a customer requested a neapolitan knickerbocker glory.

Her father, Mark, died shortly afterwards in mysterious circumstances involving some frozen haddock, a rubber hose and a tub of petroleum jelly.

Felicity inherited the shop, which she promptly sold to Sam Eager and Ella McClaggan for a sum in the region of £731,933. They immediately renamed it Sam’n’Ella’s Coffee Shop.

She was also a fairly competent amateur composer of hymns which were sung regularly at St Muckymuck. It was her dream that one of her compositions would become internationally known and be printed in the next volume of Hymns For Tims or even Psalms For Papes.

She was currently beavering away on a ditty called Grapes To You And Peas. She played the draft to Shug and he was so impressed with it he told her to submit it to Father Farq for possible use at the Papal Mass in the spring. Felicity drifted away on a daydream involving Pope Quivox LXXXVII mounting the stairs towards the altar at the Kilcathclyde Theme Park to the strains of her song while Shug held her hand, smiling lovingly at her.... a mixture of pride and desire ran through her. She licked her pencil and continued to write:

“Grapes to you and peas,

Two cods and batter.

Grapes to you and peas

To the lard, cod, cheese and fries.

I am the shepherd of Kilcathclyde

I know my cones and my cones know me.....”

“Yes!” she thought excitedly. “It’s coming along nicely”.

“C’mon everyone!” hollered Chris. “Waaaaarrrmm up time!!!”

“Sharon says Santa’s sox smell shocking

shall she shove santa’s socks in the sea shell....?” he began.

Frank O’Dhoul and Billy Burt Flanagan didn’t join in the merriment. They were sulking in the back row of the choir. They were full of bitter disappointment at losing the Scottish Hometown Intercity Talent Show to Big Fannie White.

“I’m going outside for a fag, Billy” said Frank.

“Are you no’ a married man....?” Billy Burt was shocked.

“A smoke Billy, a cigarette!” retorted Frank pointedly.

He stepped outside, edged past Damian who was dismantling Father Gabriel’s brand new Lexus LX 600 radiator and coolant system, and stood looking up into the moonless, clear sky over Kilcathclyde. He saw Father Eric walking with Nettie and Chi Chi in tiny matching harnesses and woolly coats, heading towards St Bunnicula Square. Their outlines silhouetted dramatically against the starry sky, all three looking up in tandem from side to side at the heavens above.

Frank was intrigued. What were they looking for? He followed them into the square.

Suddenly a streak of green flashing lights zoomed past, quickly followed by another two identical brightly lit disks. And just as quickly, they were gone.

“What the f....fuss was that?” gulped Frank.

He felt his legs begin to shake. He looked over at Father Eric, Nettie and Chi Chi, who were casually making their way back to the chapel house. They looked completely calm and undisturbed by what they’d seen......and that scared Frank more than anything.....

Monday, 24 January 2011

Episode 28: A Strange Beginning

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

St Mocheomoc Metropolitan Cathedral House,

Monday, 7:00 pm.

"...Good evening. This is Kenny McKiltie bringing you the latest news in Kilcathclyde and Clydeshire. For several days now, we have been receiving reports in the KTV studios of unusual bright green lights and disks zooming across the Clydian sky. I, myself, must report that I saw a sample of these mysterious green lanterns streaking across the sky just last evening. Not a single branch of the Scottish government or that at Westminster have been able to provide adequate explanations for the sightings. So, we have invited the KBC astronomer, Dr. Gene Stellock to stop by the KTV news this evening and try to explain what's going on. Thank you for joining us this evening, Dr. Stellock."

"Certainly, it is my pleasure to be here with you this evening, Kenny. I hope I will be able to put your mind and those of your viewers at ease this beautiful winter night to explain the lights," said a bright, roly poly gentleman who bore a remarkable resemblance to Edmund Gwenn, long streaking white beard, rosy cheeks, et al.

"You're already beginning to set my mind at ease, Dr. Stellock, simply by being here," said Kenny. "And we appreciate you explaining them. So what are they, sir?"

"We are experiencing particularly high amounts of magnetic radiation, which causes the Aurora borealis, or northern lights, to be reflected by microscopic water droplets in the atmosphere and thus be seen by us here in Kilcathclyde..."

The doorbell rang. "Can you get that, Gabriel?" said Fr. Eric, who was sitting on the couch watching with rapt attention the newscast with Nettie curled in his lap. She was paying very close attention to the news as well. Both she and her new roommate, Chi Chi, former familiar of the wicked Myra Dick, had seen the lights on their evening strolls.

"Yes, Eric, I'll get it. It must be the pizza boy," said Fr. Gabriel, opening the set of doors to the Cathedral House. "Good evening, Sean, how are you?"

Fr. Gabriel knew practically every inhabitant in Kilcathclyde. He'd entered the priesthood like most of his presbyteral fraternity brothers, in his early teens. His endearingly kind manner and sincerity meant that the lines to his confessional booth in the cathedral were astoundingly long. People felt they could trust him.

"Good evening, Father, here's your pizza," said a strapping lad of approximately sixteen, handing the priest a flat box. "Canadian bacon, barbecue chicken, olives, pineapple, and pesto sauce with extra cheese." Fr. Gabriel opened the box and took a whiff.

"Mmmm," he said. "Perfect as always, Sean. Is it the usual price?"

"Yes, sir, £17.07."

"Keep the change, Sean ", Gabriel replied as he handed the boy his money,".. and how's school?"

"Very well, sir, thank you for asking," replied Sean. "And you should see what my father bought me for my sixteenth birthday!"

"Oh, what is it?" he said, setting the pizza box on the table in the vestibule.

"Come see, Father, it's down by the river," said Sean.

The two walked down to the river and surveyed a midnight blue BMW Z3. "My goodness, Sean, that's a beauty," said Fr. Gabriel.

"The interior is black. It's used because Pop knows that I don't like the style of the Z4. Isn't it awesome!"

"Yes it is," said the priest, rubbing his hands over the smooth body of the car.

There was a bright green glow that illuminated the chilly night sky, reflected in the vast amount of snow that lay all about, and a whizzing then, a buzzing sound. Both boy and priest looked up to see what it was. There, zooming over the suspension bridge that led across the river to the East Side, were three near-blinding green disks of light. "It's those things that everyone's been talking about," said Sean. "I see them all the time."

Fr. Gabriel pulled out his iPhone and shuffled through his phone's address book.

"Who are you calling, Father?"

"KTV news, Sean." He put the phone to his ear. "Yes, hello Sara, this is Fr. Gabriel, how are you?" There was a pause. "That's wonderful. And the herpes simplex seventeen virus that you caught from Michael Simpson in your eye has subsided?" Another pause. "That's great. Listen, I've just seen a trinity of lights over the suspension bridge and I thought I should report it." There was a third pause. "Very good...Hello Kenny...yes, it's good to speak to you as well. I hope you'll be back in mass on Sunday...oh, that's great...yes...yes...yes...oh no...really?...really?...really?...Well...it's funny you should mention that because that's why I'm calling..."

Sunday, 23 January 2011

A Very Special Announcement

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

"Good day to you, Kilcathclyde!!!" said Will Rirey, appearing on the KBC by way of an interrupted announcement. "I hope you'll forgive us for interrupting the sixteen-part miniseries Scandals of the Century. We come to you this noontime to bring you the results of the Scottish Hometown Intercity Talent Show, which you have been waiting for since last year!" He giggled at his own joke. "The results of this are the result of you voting for one of the four finalists: Frank and the Fabulous Four Ferrets!" A photo of the Fab Four came on of them spelling out H I ! "Billy Burt Flanagan!" A photo flashed on of Billy Burt holding up the pink knickers from the night before. "The incredibly talented Nettie the Knitting Kitten and her pal, Fr. Eric!" A photo flashed on of Nettie playing the drums with her three knitting needles. "And finally, the bodacious, the charming, the inimitable Big Fannie White!" A photo of Big Fannie White with her scarf on fire from one of the previous episodes of the show appeared on the screen.

"And the winner is..." there was a timpani roll somewhere behind Will. "BIG FANNIE WHITE!!!" The video of her doing her go-go choreography to "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'" was shown. "Congratulations, Fan! We love you! We return you to your regularly scheduled program. As the screen faded, Will's microphone hadn't been turned off yet. "God, again?? I was sure Nettie was going to get it this time..."

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Episode 26: Scottish Hometown Intercity Talent Show Final

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

Saturday, 7 pm

"Welcome one and all! We're glad to be back with you after a slight delay!" said Will Rirey. "Tonight we bring you the final for the talent show, which you all have been patiently waiting for since the beginning of December!" He paused, as if there was a real audience to applaud for this last statement. "The contestants have each chosen a song of their own to present for the final. We are sure you will enjoy each selection. And we will not waste any time whatsoever! Off we go. We have our four finalists: Frank and the Fabulous Four Ferrets; Nettie the Knitting Kitten and her significant other Fr. Eric Griffiths; the handsome, singing octogenarian, Billy Burt Flanagan; and the very tall, talented, and somewhat mysterious, Big Fannie White!!" He paused again. "OK, Boys, you're on!"

Onto the sound stage appeared Frank O'Dhoul and bouncing around him were the four ferrets that had stolen the hearts of all of Kilcathclyde. As the music started for "Let's Twist Again," Tom, Dick, Harry, and Francis picked up tiny prop guitars and one sat at a tiny drum set. As Frank sang the words, the boys mimed playing. They were wearing black leather jackets and were sporting sunglasses. As the song progressed, the four of them moved downstage and began doing the twist with each other accompanied by impressive swirls and twirls and other acrobatics. When the song ended, the boys moved together to take a bow. As if on cue, they began forming letters:

W I L L' S S O C K I S A S B I G A S H I S C O

Will Rirey, who had grown used to circumventing the Fab Fours' rather hilarious but extremely blue antics, interrupted the spelling, "Thank you, boys! Entertaining as always!" Frank and the boys moved off the stage as Will announced the next act. "We now bring you Billy Burt Flanagan!"

Billy Burt came onto the sound stage dressed, as he typically was, to the nines. He bowed to the cameraperson and tipped his hat, gentlemanly. A grand piano had been moved into position and behind it sat Steve Rance, who had appeared on the last show sitting next to Venus Divagawa to take place for the unexplained disappearance of Nicholas Strathearn-Smythe, otherwise known as Knickers Nicking Nick. Steve played a few bars and Billy Burt sang without flaw "My Way." When he had finished, he smiled his handsome toothy grin and took a bow. Something bright pink went flying at him, landing on Steve's head.

Steve grabbed whatever it was and opened out a pair of very sexy knickers. He studied them carefully and then burst into raucous laughter as he handed them to a curious Billy Burt. With his back to the camera, the singer, too, took in the sight and then burst into laughter. He turned around and opened up the underwear for the camera. On the rear was handwritten in large, black magic marker letters:

U R SUPA HOT

BE MY BBF

CALL ME

07833315486812873978927947

Everyone member of the crew, cast, and contestant burst out laughing. The picture faded to a commercial.

Mys Tery appeared in her usual velvet black gown and gem studded white gloves, singing:

"When I'm worried and I can't sleep..." she broke off and said, "I don't bother with counting sheep or my blessings anymore. I take this..." She produced a small midnight blue box with elegant bright blue lettering on it. "Prescribed for me by my doctor. Safe, effective, Noc-Turn." There was a pause as the music to the song played in the background. "Noc-Turn is not for everyone," she continued with the usual disclaimers. "Side effects typically include drowsiness, diarrhea, neuralgia, tremors, severe acne, nostalgia, constipation, insomnia, manic depression, chronic diabetes, headache, runny nose, vomiting and kidney failure. In some cases, Noc-Turn has been known to cause significant memory loss and schizophrenic episodes. Psychosis has been reported with this drug in some clinical trials. If you have liver problems, high cholesterol, heart disease, narcissistic personality disorder, agoraphobia, periodic depression, or have had a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, or a frontal lobotomy, Noc-Turn is not for you. You should not take this drug unless you have 13 hours to allow for sleep." She went back into the song. "And I fall asleep taking my Noc-Turn!"

The picture faded and Will Rirey appeared.

"You will have noticed we are missing our fantabulous judges this evening. Three of them are still slumbering peacefully. The fourth one, the ever talented Steve Rance, is filling in for our accompanist, Dietrich Murray-O'Hara who fell out of bed Thursday evening and sprained his left ankle and thumb. We wish him well! So the final call is entirely up to you. We welcome your comments on our website www.kbc.co.uk/SHITS. Now, on with the show! We welcome to our stage the cuddly, the adorable, the soft and fluffy Nettie the Knitting Kitten and Fr. Eric!"

Fr. Eric appeared on the sound stage with Nettie in his hand followed by Chris Smith. Steve Rance was seated at the piano, which had had the lid closed and now supported a small platform with the drum set on it previously used by the ferrets. Fr. Eric set the cat down who got into position while Chris crouched in front of the piano to give Nettie her handsigns. When Steve began playing and Eric began singing "Unchained Melody" an audible "awwww" came from the crew. Nettie began knitting, surprisingly with three needles instead of the usual two while at the same time managing to play the drum set artfully with the same three needles. When the singing priest had finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the studio. Everyone clapped, as Fr. Eric took a bow. Chris stood up and took one and then they gestured toward Nettie who had dropped open her knitting. It was a sweater with a three dimensional yarn sculpture of Mys Tery on the front of it.

"Nettie that's absolutely incredible!" said Will, taking the sweater and holding it up for the camera. "How ever did you learn to do that? Wait til Mys Tery sees that!"

"She's been honing her knitting skills," said Fr. Eric. "By some mysterious and unexplained chance, only humans seem to have been affected by the hibernation. Nettie has been studying very hard for the past three weeks while we were all asleep. It's a miracle!" He made the Sign of the Cross.

"Yes it is," said Rirey, also making the Sign, presbyterally. "Unfortunately, we are out of time for Nettie. But isn't this just unbelievable??" He pointed to the sweater. "We'll be right back with our final act for the final show of the season. Big Fannie White!"

The screen went black.

A scene came up of two people, walking along the beach at sunset with Pachelbel's Canon in D playing in the background. Over the romantic setting was heard, "This is Archbishop Biscotti, Archbishop Emeritus of Kilcathclyde with an important public announcement. A new strain of sexually transmitted disease is sweeping through the west of Scotland. It is our wish to help eliminate this very serious epidemic through education and outreach. If you suspect that you may be suffering from Kilcathclydian chlamydia, we urge you to get to a doctor and be treated right away. Treatment will be done with the utmost respect and confidentiality." A picture came up of a line of men in an NHS waiting room. "You may also visit the website www.clydiachlamydia.org for further information or call 0812 666 7777. This is not a toll free call. Thank you and God bless."

The screen went blank. A second advertisement was presented.

"Tonight on VDNews; The official inquiry into the investigation of the cause for the delays in the clearing of our streets and motorways after 24 hours worth of snow fell to the ground in less than three hours on the 6th of December has at long last revealed its findings. We will have them for you tonight on VDNews. And a pathologist from Glasgow has come in to help explain the actual causes for the mysterious hibernation that struck this part of the country in December. And what of the streaking green lights and strange bright green disks in the night sky we've all noticed over the past few days? We'll have our resident astronomer, Dr. Gene Stellock try to explain them to us. All of this and the latest weather and goings on with the managers of the Kilcathlyde Penguins football team tonight at 10!" The scene changed to a logo of Vatican Direct television. "Vatican Direct TV. We want everyone in the west of Scotland to get VD!"

The screen went black and then returned to the sound stage for the talent show. There waiting in front of the grand piano, with Steve Rance once again seated at the bench, was an easily identifiable tall and hairy figure. "We're back!" said Will Rirey. "Here with us now for the final act of tonight's show is the glamorous and glitzy belle of Glasgow, Big Fannie White!"

"Thank you, Will," said Big Fannie. "How lovely to see you this evening!" He turned to Steve at the piano. "And you, too, Mr. Rance," he extended a hand, which Steve took and kissed. "And also with you monsign..." he coughed "sorry, excuse me...Ms. White!"

Big Fannie had on a super short 60s style orange flower dress with white boots, orange lipstick, and was sporting a blonde wig with a flip. After Steve played a short introduction, Monsignor Marco Black in the visage of his drag queen alter ego launched into a rousing rendition of "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'" with lively go-go choreography. When he had finished, Rirey congratulated him and turned to the camera.

"OK...the voting begins. It's your decision. We have no judges to help you with it tonight so you're on your own, Kilcathclyde! To vote for Frank and the Fabulous Four Ferrets," they appeared on the sound stage to take a bow. "Call the number on your screen!" 0812 666 7773 flashed on. "To vote for the dashing Billy Burt Flanagan who never ceases to receive someone's knickers after he sings, including tonight, you'll need to call this number!!! 0812 666 7774" The number appeared. "To vote for the amazing Nettie and Fr. Eric, call 0812 666 7775." Again, the number flashed on. "And finally, to vote for the incredible and sexy Big Fannie White call 0812 666 7776." The lines will be available until 10 pm tonight so don't waste time. Get on and vote!! Good luck to our contestants! The winner will be announced tomorrow at noon!"

Episode 25: A Special Announcement!

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

Saturday, 2:15 pm.

"We interrupt the special TV broadcast "Proper Positing of Pre-papal Depression: How to Emotionally Navigate the Pope's Visit" to bring you a very special announcement!" said Chambers Flannary, the anchor for KBC News. "We welcome in the studio with us Will Rirey, emcee for Scottish Hometown Intercity Talent Show. Hello, Will!"

"And hello, Chambers, how are you this evening?" said Will, with a smile.

"I'm doing just fine. A little groggy like the rest of us, eh?" said Chambers. "How about yourself? I think it's the same with all of us, Will. Hibernation has affected us all!"

"Indeed, Chambers. Indeed," said Will, sighing.

"So, what's this announcement you have for us? I'm dying to hear," said Chambers.

"Well, Chambers, we are going to present the final for the talent show tonight at 7 pm. We have made special arrangements and spent time in meetings..."

"No doubt with plenty of coffee and tea," interrupted Chambers. They both laughed.

"Yes, indeed, Chambers, with lots of both!" They laughed again.

"Anyway, we have been in meetings over the past few days and have decided we will have the final presented on the television with no live audience. The viewers will vote, as they normally would, and we have been frantically putting together the logistics for how to handle the voting, etc."

"How exciting! I'm so glad we will get to see the final. I'm still amazed at the cleverness of that Nettie," said Chambers.

"No kidding, Chambers. All of them have been absolutely amazing! So, that's the announcement!"

"Wonderful! We will look forward to that tonight at 7 pm, here on KBC. And don't forget, if you miss it, you can always catch it on the kTV player online. I believe the computer department has awoken at last and has blown the dust and cobwebs off the servers!" He laughed and temporarily looked offcamera. "Sorry, folks, I spoke too soon. Our head of computer department, MacIntosh Appleton, whom we affectionately refer to as Mac, won't be in until tomorrow. He's still asleep, apparently. So, you'll have to catch the final of the talent show tonight live! This concludes our special announcement. We return you now to how to cope with Pope Quivox LXXXVII's impending visit to Scotland this spring. Goodnight."

Friday, 21 January 2011

St Muckymuck - Episode 24 - Wide Awake!

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

Episode 24 - Wide Awake!

Damian took control of the exodus of animals and people from the chapel house and spent the next hour happily reuniting pets with their owners. He enjoyed telling people what to do.

Later on, standing outside the chapel hall with his micro fibreglass screwdriver, he unpicked the iron padlock which was used to secure the door and re-assembled it with a sense of satisfaction and set about clearing up the choristers' tea things.

After a while, Gabriel appeared at the door.

“Damian?” he said. “I’ve been looking at the guest room where the animals were.....it’s in a bad way.”

“I know” shrugged Damian.

“Do you think you could.....”

“Clean up?” Damian offered gleefully.

“Well, yes....half an hour should do it....” Gabriel lied.

“Half an hour?” Damian looked doubtful. “Tell you what Father, why don’t I call St Persil’s Abbey and ask Sister Angelica to help?”

“No, you can’t.” stated Gabriel simply. “She works nights as a lapdancer in Hot Cross Buns nightclub.”

Damian’s pliers hit the floor with a bang. He stared at Gabriel, speechless.

“Sister Angelica? A lapdancer?” he whispered, shocked.

“What?” Gabriel paled. “Is she?”

“I dunno. You just said she is.....”

Gabriel looked to the left, then to the right.

“It wasn’t me.” he lied again. “It was him” and pointed vaguely into the darkness of the hall recess.

Damian peered into the shadows then back at Gabriel, unconvinced.

“Well then Father, how about I ask my twin brother Robroy Mallarkey to help?” he continued.

“Robroy!” exclaimed Gabriel. “Well I haven’t seen him in....oh let me think...it must be ten years! Is he still a member of that Satanic cult? What were they called...?”

“Rags To Witches.” replied Damian, matter of factly.

“No, not anymore Father.” he continued. “In fact, I’ve persuaded him to come back to the fold at St Mocheomoc’s. He’s really keen to help out in a repair and maintenance capacity as well as renew his spiritual commitment.”

“Well that sounds just grand!” Gabriel was delighted.

“Right” said Damian, I’ll call him right away, and we’ll start the clearing up process tomorrow.”

“Excellent!” said Gabriel. “Oh, and by the way Damian, could you remember to clean and repair the statue of St Mocheomoc? He’s covered in parrot shit. And could you remove that ridiculous woolly tartan tammy he’s wearing - and the scarf round the penguin’s neck? I think Nettie knitted them.....Anyway, his feast day is on March the 13th and we want him to look his best for the week of festivities we have planned!"

"Of course!" said Damian, fishing out his mobile phone.

Gabriel whistled merrily as he made his way back to the presbytery. He had left Father Eric making tea and toast in the kitchen.

“Yes” he sighed contentedly. “Soon, everything will be back to normal.......”

Thursday, 20 January 2011

St Muckymuck - Episode 23 - Animal Magic

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

Episode 23 – Animal Magic

Father Gabriel bounded up the stairs, taking them three at a time.

“What is it?” he said, breathlessly.

Damian had turned on the light in the room to reveal twenty two animals sitting amongst a mountain of empty tins, all manner of food packaging, crisp packets, pot noodle tubs and chocolate bar wrappings.

Gabriel frowned when he spotted a neat pile of turkey bones piled up in the corner of the room. Atop this pile sat Elsie the tarantula. She was still in plaster as a result of her nasty accident at the paws of Myra Dick’s chihuahua, Chi Chi. She tentatively raised her tiny left crutch and waved at Damian and Gabriel.

Gabriel gasped, gobsmacked.

“I better check the other rooms.....” he said and disappeared along the corridor.

Damian scanned the room and saw that all the animals were in fact pets belonging to various members of the church. There was three of Frank’s fabulous four ferrets, juggling the fourth in the air....and there was Chi Chi, still worrying Elsie. He was trying to grab a bone from the bottom of the pile she was sitting on. Elsie bonked him on the head with her mini crutch, extracting a yelp from him.

Damian picked his way through the debris looking for Ginger.

Lying on his back in a corner, nibbling on a bit of toast, was Ginger. Snuggled on his chest was Bandit, snoring loudly and contentedly.

“Ginger...” ventured Damian gently. Ginger growled, putting a protective paw across Bandit’s tummy.

“Oh ok...good boy Ginger” Damian backed away, almost tripping over Dulcie the guinea pig and Albert the rabbit, who were busy making little patterns on the floor with their droppings. Toby the tortoise was ambling around in circles, bizarrely carrying a dormouse called Samuel on his back.

A life size statue of St Mocheomoc stood in the middle of the floor, holding as usual a penguin in his hand. On his other hand perched Celery, the parrot. Celery belonged to Lily Laidlaw, the sacristan. She had rescued him from the local pet shop where she was sure he was being ill-treated. Lily loved Celery. Celery could talk. In fact, Celery talked constantly - and loudly. He knew lots of words and phrases, most of them obscene. Lily felt sure he was only doing it to shock her.

“Hello Celery” said Damian brightly. “What you doing here?”

“F**k off ar****le” said Celery, pecking aggressively at Mocheomoc’s nose. He took a swipe at the inanimate penguin with his right claw.

“What’s happened here?” persisted Damian.

“You lazy bas***ds have been kipping for a month, so that wee nyaff rounded us all up and brought us to this f****ing dive.” Celery shook his head violently. “Gives me the creeps this place...” he squawked, shuddering.

“Who brought you here?” Damian was confused.

“Wee twatface over there” Celery was bobbing up and down on St Mocheomoc’s hand, nodding furiously towards the fireplace.

Damian turned to face the fireplace, where sitting on top, calmly surveying all the chaos, was Nettie. She was surrounded by a mountain of garments she had knitted.

Nettie had been knitting mittens, socks, sweaters, blankets, hats and scarves. Each animal was sporting one of her multi-coloured designs.

At that moment, Gabriel came hurrying back to the room. “Where’s all my sweaters, my cardigans, my socks.....all my knitwear.....my crotchet blanket?” he asked, panic stricken.

He glanced round the room and his eyes eventually rested on Nettie, surrounded by all her woolly creations. She was busy unravelling a fetching red and blue gents’ sweater.

“You little flea-bag...That’s my new jumper...Bloody hell, they’re all my jumpers!!” he yelled, suddenly recognising many of the garments Nettie had knitted. He shook his fist at the kitten.

“You evil little furball! You’ve unravelled all my clothes and knitted bloody hats and scarves out of them....I’ll kill you!”

As Carrot the pony headed for the door sporting a natty knitted bobble hat, Nettie deftly leapt from her place atop the fireplace onto Carrot’s back, neatly sidestepping Gabriel’s grasp and bounced down the stairs aided and abetted by the acrobatic moves of the ferrets, straight into the arms of Father Eric.

“Nettie!” cried Eric. “Oh my little one! I’ve missed you!”

Nettie purred contentedly, nestled in his arms.

The other animals trotted, flew, hopped and crawled downstairs and out the front door, making their ways home to their newly awakened families. All except Bandit and Ginger, who at this point were clinging to each other grimly, refusing to be parted.

Chi Chi also didn’t want to go back to his owner, the vicious Myra Dick.

He stood shyly looking up at his new friend Nettie, nestled securely in the arms of Father Eric, and wistfully wished that he could be loved like that....

Nettie nuzzled into Father Eric’s neck, making little chirruping noises. As if by magic, Father Eric seemed to understand what she wanted and leaned down and gently scooped Chi Chi up on his other arm.

“Alright Chi Chi” said Father Eric soothingly. “You can stay”.

Chi Chi gave a little bark of joy. He thought his heart would burst with happiness.

Gabriel on the other hand, looked as though he was about to explode.

Nettie gazed at Gabriel, innocently blinking her round amber eyes. She reached a tiny paw out and handed Gabriel a pair of purple, green and red stripey legwarmers as a peace offering.

Gabriel snatched the legwarmers, glared at Nettie and stormed off into the kitchen. Glancing backwards, he could have sworn she winked at him.

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

St Muckymuck - Episode 22 - The Thirty One Days of Kristmas....

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:
IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL. ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

Episode 22 - The Thirty One Days of Kristmas

Damian rang the bell on the door to the presbytery. While waiting for one of the priests to answer, he pruned the small lavender bush sitting on the porch.

Finally, Father Gabriel answered, clutching a glass of water and a soggy poppadom in his left hand.

“Come in Damian” he said. “We’re a bit disorganised today...or is it night....” his voice trailed off.

“Yes” said Damian. “Everything’s a bit odd just now. In fact, have you seen today’s paper?” he began.

“No” interrupted Gabriel. “Has Knickers Knicking Nick been finally caught?”

“No.” said Damian. “Not that. No, the headline in The Daily Blether says that Kilcathclyde.....” Damian’s voice trailed off as he noticed a large crack on the hallway ceiling. “Oooh, I’ll have to fix that”.

“Kilcathclyde what?” Gabriel was getting impatient now.

Before Damian could answer a high pitched scream came from the kitchen, followed by a sickening thud.

Racing into the kitchen, pausing only to oil the door hinge, Damian found Father Eric sprawled out in the middle of the kitchen floor, tv remote control clutched in his left hand. He was out cold. He was wearing his favourite green winceyette pyjamas embroidered with images of Blessed Martha McArthur, especially made for him by the Little Sisters of the Scissors. He had obviously just gotten out of bed.

Blaring on the television was Kilcathclyde Today, the evening regional news programme, with its well loved presenter Kenny McKiltie at the helm. Breaking news was flashing across the bottom of the screen.

It read “Scotland’s real-life Brigadoon. Kilcathclyde awakens after 30 days in a coma. Statement expected from Home Secretary, Alan McPilchard on his return from his holiday in Thailand”.

“We’ll return to that story later” said Kenny, looking serious. “Now for other matters. There have been reported sightings of UFOs in the night skies over Kilcathclyde, hovering particularly over St Mocheomoc’s Metropolitan Cathedral and the adjacent St Bunnicula Square.....”

Gabriel tutted loudly and turned the tv off impatiently.

“So what’s this about?” he said, stepping casually over Father Eric. He looked at Damian who was mixing up some plaster, preparing to repair the ceiling crack.

“Well,” said Damian, matter of factly. “Turns out we’ve all been asleep since 9^th December.”

Gabriel frowned. “So, we slept through Christmas....and New Year?”

“Looks like it!” said Damian.

“So where’s all our food then? said Gabriel, puzzled. “We had a donation of five turkeys, four hams, three french hens, two turtle doves and a parcel of cakes and buns for our Christmas dinner....and it’s all gone! I’m starving and there’s nothing to eat!” He looked at his poppadum contemptuously.

“Aliens....” groaned Father Eric, emerging from his faint.

“Oh don’t start that again” snapped Gabriel.

“Nettie....where’s Nettie?” said Eric, sitting up.

“Oh, who bloody cares! More to the point – where’s my haggis and pistachio flavoured Pot Noodle?” Gabriel was starting to become uncharacteristically agitated.

Damian came back into the kitchen. “I’ve plastered the crack in the ceiling Fathers. But, there’s a problem.....”

“What now?” said Gabriel.

“Well, while I was plastering, I could hear a lot of scrabbling and scratching coming from the room above the crack....”

“Oh no!” Eric looked sick. “Not more poltergeists....not another exorcism!”

“Sit there Eric” soothed Gabriel. “Put your head between your legs. Take deep breaths. Don’t worry. Damian will go upstairs and investigate.....won’t you Damian?” he said pointedly.

Damian knew that was an order and not a request.

“Yes Father” he replied obediently.

As Damian ascended the dark staircase to the upper landing, he became aware of a strange smell. The scrabbling noise was getting louder. A faint orange light, fading to green, to blue, to red, back to orange was visible through the edge of the door at the top of the stairs.

Damian took a deep breath, placed his left hand on the door knob and opened the door slowly. The scrabbling and scratching stopped suddenly.

Twenty two pairs of beady eyes of varying colours and sizes stared out of the dim room at him.

“Sweet Jesus!” he gasped at the sight before him.

“Father! Father!” he cried......

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