St Muckymuck - Episode 23 - Animal Magic

   

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

Episode 23 – Animal Magic

Father Gabriel bounded up the stairs, taking them three at a time.

“What is it?” he said, breathlessly.

Damian had turned on the light in the room to reveal twenty two animals sitting amongst a mountain of empty tins, all manner of food packaging, crisp packets, pot noodle tubs and chocolate bar wrappings.

Gabriel frowned when he spotted a neat pile of turkey bones piled up in the corner of the room.  Atop this pile sat Elsie the tarantula. She was still in plaster as a result of her nasty accident at the paws of Myra Dick’s chihuahua, Chi Chi. She tentatively raised her tiny left crutch and waved at Damian and Gabriel.

Gabriel gasped, gobsmacked.

“I better check the other rooms.....” he said and disappeared along the corridor.

Damian scanned the room and saw that all the animals were in fact pets belonging to various members of the church. There was three of Frank’s fabulous four ferrets, juggling the fourth in the air....and there was Chi Chi, still worrying Elsie. He was trying to grab a bone from the bottom of the pile she was sitting on.  Elsie bonked him on the head with her mini crutch, extracting a yelp from him.

Damian picked his way through the debris looking for Ginger.

Lying on his back in a corner, nibbling on a bit of toast, was Ginger. Snuggled on his chest was Bandit, snoring loudly and contentedly. 

“Ginger...” ventured Damian gently. Ginger growled, putting a protective paw across Bandit’s tummy.

“Oh ok...good boy Ginger” Damian backed away, almost tripping over Dulcie the guinea pig and Albert the rabbit, who were busy making little patterns on the floor with their droppings.  Toby the tortoise was ambling around in circles, bizarrely carrying a dormouse called Samuel on his back.

A life size statue of St Mocheomoc stood in the middle of the floor, holding as usual a penguin in his hand. On his other hand perched Celery, the parrot. Celery belonged to Lily Laidlaw, the sacristan. She had rescued him from the local pet shop where she was sure he was being ill-treated. Lily loved Celery. Celery could talk. In fact, Celery talked constantly - and loudly. He knew lots of words and phrases, most of them obscene.  Lily felt sure he was only doing it to shock her.

“Hello Celery” said Damian brightly. “What you doing here?”

“F**k off ar****le” said Celery, pecking aggressively at Mocheomoc’s nose. He took a swipe at the inanimate penguin with his right claw.

“What’s happened here?” persisted Damian.

“You lazy bas***ds have been kipping for a month, so that wee nyaff rounded us all up and brought us to this f****ing dive.”  Celery shook his head violently. “Gives me the creeps this place...” he squawked, shuddering.

“Who brought you here?” Damian was confused.

“Wee twatface over there” Celery was bobbing up and down on St Mocheomoc’s hand, nodding furiously towards the fireplace.

Damian turned to face the fireplace, where sitting on top, calmly surveying all the chaos, was Nettie. She was surrounded by a mountain of garments she had knitted. 

Nettie had been knitting mittens, socks, sweaters, blankets, hats and scarves. Each animal was sporting one of her multi-coloured designs. 

At that moment, Gabriel came hurrying back to the room. “Where’s all my sweaters, my cardigans, my socks.....all my knitwear.....my crotchet blanket?” he asked, panic stricken. 

He glanced round the room and his eyes eventually rested on Nettie, surrounded by all her woolly creations.  She was busy unravelling a fetching red and blue gents’ sweater.

“You little flea-bag...That’s my new jumper...Bloody hell, they’re all my jumpers!!” he yelled, suddenly recognising many of the garments Nettie had knitted. He shook his fist at the kitten.

“You evil little furball! You’ve unravelled all my clothes and knitted bloody hats and scarves out of them....I’ll kill you!”

As Carrot the pony headed for the door sporting a natty knitted bobble hat, Nettie deftly leapt from her place atop the fireplace onto Carrot’s back, neatly sidestepping Gabriel’s grasp and bounced down the stairs aided and abetted by the acrobatic moves of the ferrets, straight into the arms of Father Eric.

“Nettie!” cried Eric. “Oh my little one! I’ve missed you!” 

Nettie purred contentedly, nestled in his arms.

The other animals trotted, flew, hopped and crawled downstairs and out the front door, making their ways home to their newly awakened families. All except Bandit and Ginger, who at this point were clinging to each other grimly, refusing to be parted.

Chi Chi also didn’t want to go back to his owner, the vicious Myra Dick.

He stood shyly looking up at his new friend Nettie, nestled securely in the arms of Father Eric, and wistfully wished that he could be loved like that....

Nettie nuzzled into Father Eric’s neck, making little chirruping noises.  As if by magic, Father Eric seemed to understand what she wanted and leaned down and gently scooped Chi Chi up on his other arm.

“Alright Chi Chi” said Father Eric soothingly. “You can stay”.

Chi Chi gave a little bark of joy. He thought his heart would burst with happiness.

Gabriel on the other hand, looked as though he was about to explode.

Nettie gazed at Gabriel, innocently blinking her round amber eyes.  She reached a tiny paw out and handed Gabriel a pair of purple, green and red stripey legwarmers as a peace offering.

Gabriel snatched the legwarmers, glared at Nettie and stormed off into the kitchen.  Glancing backwards, he could have sworn she winked at him.

 

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved