WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:
IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.
THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL. ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.
THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL. ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.
IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.
Saturday, 7 pm
"Welcome one and all! We're glad to be back with you after a slight delay!" said Will Rirey. "Tonight we bring you the final for the talent show, which you all have been patiently waiting for since the beginning of December!" He paused, as if there was a real audience to applaud for this last statement. "The contestants have each chosen a song of their own to present for the final. We are sure you will enjoy each selection. And we will not waste any time whatsoever! Off we go. We have our four finalists: Frank and the Fabulous Four Ferrets; Nettie the Knitting Kitten and her significant other Fr. Eric Griffiths; the handsome, singing octogenarian, Billy Burt Flanagan; and the very tall, talented, and somewhat mysterious, Big Fannie White!!" He paused again. "OK, Boys, you're on!"
Onto the sound stage appeared Frank O'Dhoul and bouncing around him were the four ferrets that had stolen the hearts of all of Kilcathclyde. As the music started for "Let's Twist Again," Tom, Dick, Harry, and Francis picked up tiny prop guitars and one sat at a tiny drum set. As Frank sang the words, the boys mimed playing. They were wearing black leather jackets and were sporting sunglasses. As the song progressed, the four of them moved downstage and began doing the twist with each other accompanied by impressive swirls and twirls and other acrobatics. When the song ended, the boys moved together to take a bow. As if on cue, they began forming letters:
W I L L' S S O C K I S A S B I G A S H I S C O
Will Rirey, who had grown used to circumventing the Fab Fours' rather hilarious but extremely blue antics, interrupted the spelling, "Thank you, boys! Entertaining as always!" Frank and the boys moved off the stage as Will announced the next act. "We now bring you Billy Burt Flanagan!"
Billy Burt came onto the sound stage dressed, as he typically was, to the nines. He bowed to the cameraperson and tipped his hat, gentlemanly. A grand piano had been moved into position and behind it sat Steve Rance, who had appeared on the last show sitting next to Venus Divagawa to take place for the unexplained disappearance of Nicholas Strathearn-Smythe, otherwise known as Knickers Nicking Nick. Steve played a few bars and Billy Burt sang without flaw "My Way." When he had finished, he smiled his handsome toothy grin and took a bow. Something bright pink went flying at him, landing on Steve's head.
Steve grabbed whatever it was and opened out a pair of very sexy knickers. He studied them carefully and then burst into raucous laughter as he handed them to a curious Billy Burt. With his back to the camera, the singer, too, took in the sight and then burst into laughter. He turned around and opened up the underwear for the camera. On the rear was handwritten in large, black magic marker letters:
U R SUPA HOT
BE MY BBF
CALL ME
07833315486812873978927947
Everyone member of the crew, cast, and contestant burst out laughing. The picture faded to a commercial.
Mys Tery appeared in her usual velvet black gown and gem studded white gloves, singing:
"When I'm worried and I can't sleep..." she broke off and said, "I don't bother with counting sheep or my blessings anymore. I take this..." She produced a small midnight blue box with elegant bright blue lettering on it. "Prescribed for me by my doctor. Safe, effective, Noc-Turn." There was a pause as the music to the song played in the background. "Noc-Turn is not for everyone," she continued with the usual disclaimers. "Side effects typically include drowsiness, diarrhea, neuralgia, tremors, severe acne, nostalgia, constipation, insomnia, manic depression, chronic diabetes, headache, runny nose, vomiting and kidney failure. In some cases, Noc-Turn has been known to cause significant memory loss and schizophrenic episodes. Psychosis has been reported with this drug in some clinical trials. If you have liver problems, high cholesterol, heart disease, narcissistic personality disorder, agoraphobia, periodic depression, or have had a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, or a frontal lobotomy, Noc-Turn is not for you. You should not take this drug unless you have 13 hours to allow for sleep." She went back into the song. "And I fall asleep taking my Noc-Turn!"
The picture faded and Will Rirey appeared.
"You will have noticed we are missing our fantabulous judges this evening. Three of them are still slumbering peacefully. The fourth one, the ever talented Steve Rance, is filling in for our accompanist, Dietrich Murray-O'Hara who fell out of bed Thursday evening and sprained his left ankle and thumb. We wish him well! So the final call is entirely up to you. We welcome your comments on our website www.kbc.co.uk/SHITS. Now, on with the show! We welcome to our stage the cuddly, the adorable, the soft and fluffy Nettie the Knitting Kitten and Fr. Eric!"
Fr. Eric appeared on the sound stage with Nettie in his hand followed by Chris Smith. Steve Rance was seated at the piano, which had had the lid closed and now supported a small platform with the drum set on it previously used by the ferrets. Fr. Eric set the cat down who got into position while Chris crouched in front of the piano to give Nettie her handsigns. When Steve began playing and Eric began singing "Unchained Melody" an audible "awwww" came from the crew. Nettie began knitting, surprisingly with three needles instead of the usual two while at the same time managing to play the drum set artfully with the same three needles. When the singing priest had finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the studio. Everyone clapped, as Fr. Eric took a bow. Chris stood up and took one and then they gestured toward Nettie who had dropped open her knitting. It was a sweater with a three dimensional yarn sculpture of Mys Tery on the front of it.
"Nettie that's absolutely incredible!" said Will, taking the sweater and holding it up for the camera. "How ever did you learn to do that? Wait til Mys Tery sees that!"
"She's been honing her knitting skills," said Fr. Eric. "By some mysterious and unexplained chance, only humans seem to have been affected by the hibernation. Nettie has been studying very hard for the past three weeks while we were all asleep. It's a miracle!" He made the Sign of the Cross.
"Yes it is," said Rirey, also making the Sign, presbyterally. "Unfortunately, we are out of time for Nettie. But isn't this just unbelievable??" He pointed to the sweater. "We'll be right back with our final act for the final show of the season. Big Fannie White!"
The screen went black.
A scene came up of two people, walking along the beach at sunset with Pachelbel's Canon in D playing in the background. Over the romantic setting was heard, "This is Archbishop Biscotti, Archbishop Emeritus of Kilcathclyde with an important public announcement. A new strain of sexually transmitted disease is sweeping through the west of Scotland. It is our wish to help eliminate this very serious epidemic through education and outreach. If you suspect that you may be suffering from Kilcathclydian chlamydia, we urge you to get to a doctor and be treated right away. Treatment will be done with the utmost respect and confidentiality." A picture came up of a line of men in an NHS waiting room. "You may also visit the website www.clydiachlamydia.org for further information or call 0812 666 7777. This is not a toll free call. Thank you and God bless."
The screen went blank. A second advertisement was presented.
"Tonight on VDNews; The official inquiry into the investigation of the cause for the delays in the clearing of our streets and motorways after 24 hours worth of snow fell to the ground in less than three hours on the 6th of December has at long last revealed its findings. We will have them for you tonight on VDNews. And a pathologist from Glasgow has come in to help explain the actual causes for the mysterious hibernation that struck this part of the country in December. And what of the streaking green lights and strange bright green disks in the night sky we've all noticed over the past few days? We'll have our resident astronomer, Dr. Gene Stellock try to explain them to us. All of this and the latest weather and goings on with the managers of the Kilcathlyde Penguins football team tonight at 10!" The scene changed to a logo of Vatican Direct television. "Vatican Direct TV. We want everyone in the west of Scotland to get VD!"
The screen went black and then returned to the sound stage for the talent show. There waiting in front of the grand piano, with Steve Rance once again seated at the bench, was an easily identifiable tall and hairy figure. "We're back!" said Will Rirey. "Here with us now for the final act of tonight's show is the glamorous and glitzy belle of Glasgow, Big Fannie White!"
"Thank you, Will," said Big Fannie. "How lovely to see you this evening!" He turned to Steve at the piano. "And you, too, Mr. Rance," he extended a hand, which Steve took and kissed. "And also with you monsign..." he coughed "sorry, excuse me...Ms. White!"
Big Fannie had on a super short 60s style orange flower dress with white boots, orange lipstick, and was sporting a blonde wig with a flip. After Steve played a short introduction, Monsignor Marco Black in the visage of his drag queen alter ego launched into a rousing rendition of "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'" with lively go-go choreography. When he had finished, Rirey congratulated him and turned to the camera.
"OK...the voting begins. It's your decision. We have no judges to help you with it tonight so you're on your own, Kilcathclyde! To vote for Frank and the Fabulous Four Ferrets," they appeared on the sound stage to take a bow. "Call the number on your screen!" 0812 666 7773 flashed on. "To vote for the dashing Billy Burt Flanagan who never ceases to receive someone's knickers after he sings, including tonight, you'll need to call this number!!! 0812 666 7774" The number appeared. "To vote for the amazing Nettie and Fr. Eric, call 0812 666 7775." Again, the number flashed on. "And finally, to vote for the incredible and sexy Big Fannie White call 0812 666 7776." The lines will be available until 10 pm tonight so don't waste time. Get on and vote!! Good luck to our contestants! The winner will be announced tomorrow at noon!"
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