WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:
IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.
THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL. ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.
THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL. ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.
IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.
Episode 20 - Mocheodoon The Awakening
Damian Malarky, Ina’s husband and St Muckymuck’s unofficial and compulsive handyman rubbed his eyes as he blinked and squinted against the low sun setting serently over the River Kilcathclyde as he footered with the church hall keys. It was almost time for choir practice and he had some chairs to mend and the kettle to re-assemble before the choristers gathered.
He brushed away the remnants of the snow whch had been piled six foot high against the massive wooden door of the hall and wondered why he felt so groggy. He shook his head, feeling befuddled, as he stepped into the freezing hall. He made a mental note to test all of the radiators in the hall as he shuffled his way across the wooden floor.
He felt slightly woozy as if he had slept in too long that morning. The hall door creaked open and Damian turned to see who was there, all the while thinking he would have to oil the hinge on the door. It was Shug, looking bemused.
“Shug” said Damian, “you look tired. Are you getting enough sleep?”
Shug shrugged. “Dunno” he replied. “I feel a bit strange....” his voice trailed off. “And I’ve lost Bandit, my little cat.....I’m worried that Myra Dick has done something to him....”
“Yeah, Ginger’s missing too” said Damian dolefully. “Just as well Ina’s still sleeping. If she knew about Ginger, she’d be demented. She has such a lot of fun with her pussy”.
“Ina’s still asleep?” said Shug, feeling brighter suddenly.
“Yes” said Damian. “I couldn’t wake her”.
Shug’s eyes dropped to Damian’s nether regions. “Nice tool Damian” he remarked admiringly.
“Yes it’s a biggie isn’t it?” said Damian proudly thrusting his pelvis towards Shug, “Eight inches” he continued, “Go on, have a feel”.
Shug gripped Damian’s new reversible micro locking ratchet with stainless steel accessories nestled in its leather holster, belted around his waist and nodded his approval.
“Oh yes,” said Damian excitedly. “I thought it would come in handy for re-assembling the ambo. And I’m hoping to get an 18 volt cordless vibrating poker for Christmas” he added.
“A whaaaa....??” Shug was starting to feel bored. “Jeez” he thought, “No wonder Ina practically lives in the Love Shack....”
The choir gradually started to filter in, looking a little dazed, confused even. They were unusually subdued, the only bit of chat between them focusing on their forthcoming Christmas party arrangements. Everyone was stamping their feet on the mat at the door, trying to clear the snow stuck to their shoes.
“Damian?” Gladys was irritable. “Have you fixed that damn kettle yet? I’m gagging for a cup of tea. My bloody stomach thinks my throat’s been cut!”
She went to the fridge and took out a half-full milk carton. She glanced at the sell-by date on the side and frowned. “That cannae be right....the 20th of December?” She paused. “Whit’s today’s date?” she asked.
“13th of January 2011” said Mike Colby, looking at his mobile phone.
“Nonsense” retorted Billy Burt, yawning. “This is the 16th of December – 2010” he said, pointing to the calendar on the wall. “Yer phone’s jiggered big man” he added helpfully.
“Aye, I think you’re right Billy Burt. I’m going to ask the wife to get me a new one for Christmas” smiled Mike.
“Yes” said Felicity. “I’m soooo excited about Christmas. Only nine days to go....I wonder if it’ll be a white one?”
Chris ambled into the hall clutching an extra large, extra strong latte. An unread copy of The Daily Blether poked out of his backpack.
He put everything on top of the out of tune piano in the corner and took a large gulp of his latte, hopeful that the caffeine would wake him up.
“Right!” he cried brightly. “Warm up time!
The choir staggered groggily to their feet and awaited this week’s tongue twister.
“Ah, one two three four....
Jingle bells, Rudolf smells
The elves they got a shock
Santa’s trousers got undone
And they saw his great big....."
“Aaaaaargh!!!!”
A shrill scream interrupted Chris’ warm–up. Everyone turned to look at Emily whose face was ashen. She was clutching Chris’ newspaper in her left hand, her right hand covering her mouth. She looked shocked.
“Oh my God....she’s possessed - again” gasped Sister Gertie, hurrying to get her crucifix out.
“No!” cried Emily. “Look!”
She held up the front page of the newspaper and pointed at the headline.
“KILCATHCLYDE KIPS THROUGH KRISTMAS”
The date on the newspaper was 13th January 2011......
©2010 Steven Gorman. All rights reserved.
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