St Muckymuck, Episode 19: Scottish Hometown Intercity Talent Show Week 2

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

KBC Grand Auditorium

Saturday night

8:00 pm

The lights went down and Rirey stepped out onto the stage.  The tumultuous applause began immediately.  He was well loved since his stint in the Glasgow Gay Pride drag show Glitter! Glamour!! Glasgow!!!  He was smartly dressed in a black suit with a vest and a white shirt.  His tie was shiny black and so where his shoes.  He looked like a priest.

"Welcome to our show, everyone!" he said, as the crowd clapped enthusiastically.  "We have had a wild weekend here at the Talent Show.  But before we get into all of that, let's introduce our four fabulous judges!"  The crowd clapped again. 

A screen of white and black smoke rose from the floor.  There was an enormous plume of flame that welled up from the floor across the entire length of the stage.  The lady in the front row from last week's show was already prepared: she had come into the theatre with her sunglasses on.

Upon the stage seemingly appearing out of now where were four people.  "First, all the way from San Francisco.  The wonderful...the fabulous...the divine Venus Divagawa!"  The crowd roared. 

"To her right is the amazing...the beautiful...the regal...Mys Tery!"  More roaring. 

"To the right of Mys Tery is the brave...the handsome...the owner of Scottish Hometown Intercity Talent Enterprises:  Damian Swashbuggles!!!"  Even more roaring! 

"To the left of Ms. Divagawa is our fourth judge.  Replacing the mysteriously missing Nicholas Strathearn-Smythe, along with an astonishing number of knickers, AND last night's guest judge Lord Justice Theophilus Chiefly, who is at home with kidney stones tonight..." there was a pause as the crowd, judges, and Rirey all said "Awwwww..." at precisely the same time. 

"We bring you a very special and exciting guest.  He's handsome.  He's funny.  He's tall.  And he has very nice legs!"  Rirey smiled, sheepishly and appeared to blush. 

"The music man for the amazingly talented Flying Pigs Productions.  All the way from Glasgow, the incredible Steven Rance!"  The crowd went mad.  There was a bunch of screaming from the women and some men all over the theatre.  There were more puffs of white and black smoke that threatened to envelope the judges and make them disappear.

The judges moved to the lit table in the center of the stage and sat down.  Rirey greeted them.  "How we are all this evening?  How about you Mr. Rance!  All ready for your exciting debut on the BBC on the 14th of December?"

"Hello, Will.  I'm so thrilled to be a part of this fantastic show," said Steve.  Women across the theatre cooed at the sound of his voice. 

"Will you marry me?" one shouted, as the crowd applause died away.  Without missing a beat, he turned to the young lady and said, "Now!  Now!  You were supposed to wait until I'd collected the money for the engagement ring!"  He winked at her and flashed a toothy grin.  The girl fainted dead away as the audience laughed raucously.

"We're thrilled to have you with us here tonight, Steve.  I'll have to get an autograph for Rafa!"

"But of course, Rirey.  I believe that can be arranged!  We don't want to disappoint Rafa, do we?  I know how temperamental he can be," said Steve, the toothy grin still spread across his face.

"But we must get on with the show!" said Rirey.  "First, a summary from last night's results.  As you know this week is American TV show jingles week!"  The audience roared and roared.  The clapping went on for ages. 

"As you'll recall, we lost Dwight de la Lune and his bass rebec for good last night."  The audience sighed audibly.  "Yes, 'tis true.  No more bass rebec.  Let's waste no time and get on with tonight's show!!!" 

"First up, xylophonist Tania McPhee is going to perform the theme from The Waltons!"  She came onstage and wowed the audience as her mallets blurred over the instrument.  She was followed by Sarah Pearson who tripped once while tap dancing to the theme from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air; then Derek McClintock did an outstanding job at playing the them from Bonanza on his kazoo. 

When he finished, Steve said to Venus, while checking out her ample bosom, "I had no idea anyone could play like that!"  She flashed a smile at him and batted her eyes.  Mys Tery noticed this and kicked Venus hard under the table.

Then it was time for Frank and the Fabulous Four Ferrets.  "Now we welcome Tom, Dick, Harry, and Francis!"  The audience went wild.  The ceiling shook with the roaring.  All five members of the band came out dressed in 60s styles suits, with clean cut hairdos, and sporting sunglasses. 

When the theme to Mission: Impossible began, the audience went wild.  The ferrets did all manner of spy-like tricks and acrobatics, including one in which Harry mimed holding the others up and then shooting them.  At the end they formed an "M" and then and "I".  The audience gobbled it up.  And as Rirey came out to talk to them the boys went crazy in their inimitable way, with the audience shouting out the letters:

S T E V E  L I K E S  V E N U S'  B I G  S H A R P  N I P S

Sensing danger, Rirey interrupted anything getting further out of hand.  "Thanks, Boys!  That was just incredible!"  The audience went wilder than ever.  The lights began to blink and there was a massive pouring of white and black smoke from the stage.  It became thicker and thicker until everyone was gasping for air.  Jo had Carol turn on the ventilation fan but it did no good.  The smoke continued to billow from the stage out into the audience.  Finally, the fire alarm sounded. 

Rirey ordered, "Please follow the nearest exit signs out of the building!"

It was pandemonium as people climbed over one another to get out of the zero visibility theatre.  People gathered outside the KBC Building.  Several weeks of below freezing temperatures and yards-deep snow met the audience as they filed out into the bitterly cold night air.  They were all coughing and spluttering.  As they collected on the porch to the main entrance, a voice came over the sound system.  "We will continue the Scottish Hometown Intercity Talent Show acts outside by the fountain.  Please meet Nettie the Knitting Kitten as she prepares to perform."

The crowd moved to the steps in front building facing the fountain, which was spectacularly lit.  Camerapeople and crew moved into position to capture the act for the home viewers. 

"OH!  It's Nettie!"  "What's she going to spell this time?"  "Will it be something like 'Terrific' or 'Some pig?'" and "I'm allergic to cats, you know.  But I just love Nettie."

Nettie had her percussion set in front of her as Fr. Eric stood next to her with a hand held microphone.  Chris was laying on the very cold concrete, wearing a black overcoat.  He had a hat on that had obviously come from Moscow. 

When Eric began, "It's the story...of a lovely lady..." the crowd went absolutely mad.  Their collective breath rose like fog into the clear cold night.  When the song was over and the tumultuous, thunderous applause had died down, the trio stepped forward to receive judgment.

"Steve, why don't you start us off?  What did you think?"

"Well, to the fellow doing the hand signs...you're quite distracting, you know.  And it's not your motions but that hat.  My choir director at church would tell you just what you could do with it."  The crowd booed. 

Someone in the house bellowed, "Hey, Rance.  Don't mess with my pussy!"  Everyone laughed, including Steve.  "But in spite of that...the cat was rather impressive," he said.  The crowd applauded.

"What about you, Venus?  What did you think?" said Rirey.

"Well, Rirey.  I have to question the choice of song.  But that's not the performers' fault.  That's the fault of their mentor."  She gave Mys Tery a withering look, who crossed her arms and looked away, seething with anger.  "I mean, come on.  The Brady Bunch?  Stupid."

"I take it you never had a crush on Greg Brady, then?  You tart!" said Mys Tery, turning on her neighbor.

Venus laughed out loud.  "As if!" she said when she'd caught her breath.

"Well, how do you think they did, Mys Tery?"

"I thought it was lovely.  The fact that we all got interrupted and sent out into this freezing cold weather notwithstanding...they did a very good job.  The witch next to me just can't admit that someone beside her own act did well.  I don't even remember who your acts are, Venus."

Venus looked as though she had been slapped.  She gaped at Mys Tery with her jaw hanging open.  "Of all the nerve!"

"Yes, I have nerve!" said Mys Tery and she blew a gust of frosty breath right in Venus' reddening face.

"Well, I'm glad I don't have your nerve in my tooth," said Venus, staring Mys Tery in the eye.

"What about you Damian?  What's your verdict?" asked Rirey, as the two female judges looked daggers at each other.

"I thought it was all right.  I mean, all things considered, it was really quite good," said Damian, smiling.  "I've got to be straightforward about these things, Rirey.  I think there's a promising career here with this act."

Rirey turned around to Nettie, Chris, and Fr. Eric.  "Give it up for..." he broke off.  Nettie had opened up her knitting to reveal GREG BRADY IS HOT!  Rirey, all of the judges, and the audience chorused together, "Awwwww...."  As the act left the area in front of the fountain, the crowd roared its approval.

"Next up...we present Big Fannie White!"  The crowd applauded.  The presbyteral drag queen came out with a blonde wig pulled back into a ponytail.  She wore puffy pink chiffon pants and a microscopic burgundy coat with a plunging neckline.  In short, she looked precisely like Barbara Eden in I Dream of Jeannie. 

She came out and sang the song using scat syllables in a style reminiscent of Ella Fitzgerald and making sleek and sensual movements, as in the opening credits to the famous 60s sitcom. 

As usual, Msgr Marco Black had done nothing to shave his thick, scruffy beard, nor trim the thick forest of hair on his chest or his legs.  But the song was so well done, that no one noticed.

About half way through, the host of dancers moved to the area in front of the fountain.  They were all dressed identically to the drag queen, even the men.  They slithered around  and crawled seductively.  At one point, half of the dancers sat down on the edge of the fountain while the other half moved between their legs, orgiastically.  Then, half of the dancers got down on all fours while the other half sat on top of them, riding them like ponies and pantomiming spanking them.

When the song was finished, Big Fannie White crossed her arms and blinked, accompanied by the sound effect from the show.  The crowd displayed its approval despite the cold.  Then, she stepped forward to take her judgment.  "Damian, you start us off this time," said Rirey.

"Well, I thought the movements were a bit distracting, shall we say, from the singing.  Joseph Balletinette strikes again.  I'll be having another chat with him.  But overall it was good.  Very nice, Fannie."

"And Mys Tery, what do you have to say?"

"Well, Rirey, I am afraid I am forced to agree with SB, here.  We're going to have to start checking people's IDs when they come here to see if they're old enough to view the choreography," she turned toward SB.  "I believe I'd like to add my voice to yours when you speak to Joey.  Completely off the chart that was!" 

She then turned back toward Big Fannie White.  "What can I say?  It was awful."  Big Fannie's eyes flashed.  "This song has words, you know.  Why didn't you sing the lyrics?  And that outfit.  Lord have mercy."  She made the Sign of the Cross over her sweetheart neckline, episcopally.  "No, not one of your best performances, Fan."

Venus smiled and jumped into the conversation without being prompted by Rirey.  "Well, I thought it was wonderful!" she said, laughing.  "I LOVE those pants!  I'd like to know where you got them."

Big Fannie White blushed.  "These old things?" she said, pulling at them and surveying them.  "I got them at Kilcathclyde Limited Amalgamated Proprietary Shopping Expo."

"OHHHH!" said Venus, clapping, excitedly.  "I must head over there right after the show and see what they have in the way of leather crinolines."

Mys Tery cut across her without looking at her.  "Puhleasssse, Venus!  We don't need to know about your sexual appetite."  She turned to Damian Swashbuggles.  "Honestly, SB.  This show is going to be on the kRabbit channel if you keep it up."

Rirey interrupted.  "What about you, Mr. Rance?  What do you think?"

"I'd like to hear more about Venus' sexual appetite!"

"Steven Rance!" admonished Mys Tery. "I would have expected better from you!"

"Sorry, your gra...I mean Your Majesty.  But with images of leather crinolines dancing in my heads, I'm quite unable to think properly."

"What's your verdict, Steve?" prompted Rirey.

"I thought it was fine.  I see a promising career developing here."

Everyone clapped as Big Fannie White made her way offstage with the two female judges looking as though they were going to begin a professional wrestling match at any moment.  The tension was palpable in the frosty air.

"We now welcome to the fountain area that inimitable religious personality, Sr Edwina Elmore!!!"  The crowd roared in spite of the cold.  She made her way onstage and the music began for the theme to The Addams Family.   St Heehaw sang the lyrics while the ventriloquating nun snapped her fingers and did a hilariously funny dance.  When she finished she bowed humbly and stepped forward.

Rirey called on Venus to begin.  "Well, I don't know quite what to say.  On the one hand, she's a nun and I don't want to get into any trouble with the ecclesiastical types that might be lurking around."  She cast an eye on Mys Tery, who was staring at her looking as though she would throttle her at any second.  "But the only thing I can say is that it was interesting."

"And what about you Steve?"

"I have nothing to say, really.  I liked the staging.  I liked the quality of the vocalism.  It was well done.  Nice job, Sister."  He said and the audience joined him in applauding the nunnerial ventriloquist.

"And SB, what do you have to say to the good sister?" asked Rirey.

"I thought you nailed it in one!" said Damian and the audience displayed total approval.

"Mys Tery, what would like to say?"

"I am so proud of you, Sr. Edwina.  I'm so, so, so proud of you.  This was an amazing performance," she said.  She began to cry.  Her beautiful blue eyes welling up with tears.  "You are such a good role model for all the religious out there.  And I applaud you."

Mys Tery began to clap and she stood up.  Within seconds, the entire gathering was applauding Sr. Edwina.  She blushed and bowed humbly.  She then held up St. Heehaw, who also took a bow.  She then made her way offstage.

"Our final act for the evening.  We welcome to the fountain, that knickers earning, velvety voiced, distinguished gentleman, Billy Burt Flanagan!" 

The crowd went wild.  He was dressed to the nines.  The long overcoat and white, cable knit scarf made him look like a Hollywood actor.  He had spats on his shoes and a matching walking stick.  But the icing on the cake was a top hat.  He bowed to the audience, tipping his hat.  The women, as well as some of the men, went wild and screamed.  The lady with the sunglasses from last week was standing in the front of the audience on the steps facing the fountain.  She fainted backward into the people behind her.

When the music to the theme to The Love Boat started, several more people fainted including one man.  When he went into the chorus, the whole audience joined in with him.  When he finished, mittens, caps, and scarves went flying toward the handsome crooner.  All the judges loved his performance.

Including Steve, "I'd throw my knickers if I had any on!  He's hot!"

"Hmm...no knickers this week, eh, Billy?" observed Rirey.  "Any ideas why that might be?

"I suppose it's because it's so cold!" said Billy.  He picked up one of the mittens.  "Marry me!"  He smiled and flashed a toothy grin to the crowd while holding up the hat.  "I'd be honored, madame!" he said, tipping his hat.  Another three or four people fainted.

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.

St Muckymuck - Episode 18 - Naughty Nettie Hijacks Rehearsal

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

Still in St Mochemoc's Church Hall 8.17pm

Some wag had pinned a piece of paper to the door of the cupboard. Written on it in large red lettering were the words “LOVE SHACK”.

Mike stepped out of the cupboard and into the hall, one clown shoe on his right foot, the other in his left hand.

The dazed look on his face only added to his already bizarre appearance.  His clown make up was smeared all over his face.  His curly red wig was all askew and his false red nose was missing. The braces holding up his baggy checked trousers went “ping!” as he walked unsteadily to his seat in the front row of the choir. His trousers fell unceremoniously to the floor, revealing a pair of large, flowery boxer shorts.

“Ooooohh” gasped Grace.  She stretched out her hand, and cupped Mike’s bottom in her left hand.

“Nice buns!” she remarked. “Firm”.

Mike blushed furiously under his make-up, pulled up his trousers and took his seat.

“Alright Mike?” said Frank O’Dhoul. “You look a bit dishevelled.  Where’s your horn?”

Mike looked blankly at him.

“I think Ina’s got it.” said Sister Gertie. "Did you give it to her?” she asked innocently.

“Dunno....” he stuttered.

Following closely behind him was Ina, looking like the cat that got the cream. She was immaculately coiffed and dressed, as usual, her elegant look slightly spoilt by the bulbous red clown’s nose which was placed squarely on top of her own. Ina seemed to be totally oblivious to this anomaly.  She smoothed down her black pencil skirt and made her way to the music stand to address the choir.

The choir stared at her silently for a moment, perplexed.

“Have you got a cold coming on Ina?” asked Emily gently, concerned.

Ina sniffed and frowned. “No....Why do you ask?”

***********************

At the other end of the hall Shug was making his way over to Father Gabriel for a refill of his teacup, still struggling to hide his sniggers.

“So, Father,” said Shug. “Mike’s looking a bit flustered, isn’t he? What do you think’s wrong with him?”

“Well” said Father Gabriel conspiratorially. “He’s about to undergo a sex change and he hasn’t told his wife, so.....”

“What?! screeched Shug. “Mike’s having a sex change op?” he exclaimed, almost dropping his whoopee pie.

“Who told you that?” said Gabriel suspiciously.

“YOU just did!” retorted Shug.

“Oh God, did I say that out loud?” Gabriel looked horrified.  “I’ve GOT to stop doing that.....” He hurriedly gathered up his tea things and scurried out of the hall.

**************************

“Has Ina given you the horn then Mike?” Sister Gertie shouted from the back of the hall.

Shug collapsed into a heap on the floor, choking on the crumbs of his french fancy.  He looked as if he was going to explode with mirth.

Just at that moment, Chris re-appeared, clutching another piece of paper, no doubt containing more tongue twisters.

“Is Nettie ok?” enquired Shug, composing himself.

“Aye, she’s just had one too many Kitty Crunchies....she’s a bit hyper....Father Eric’s with her now, settling her down.....”

Just at that moment, Nettie scampered past the choir, stopping only to vomit up a furball on Ina’s brown suede designer boots.  She was followed in hot pursuit by a breathless Father Eric, shouting, “Nettie, Nettie, that’s very naughty!”

Shug bent down and scooped Nettie up. She was so small, she fitted neatly into the palm of his hand. As he stroked her furry little face, he felt a tug at his left sleeve. He smiled indulgently and as he put the tiny, tortoiseshell kitten back on the floor, the left sleeve of his new arran sweater fell off.

Shug gasped.  It had taken his great Aunt Jemima three years to knit it for him. 

In one fell swoop, Nettie was off with the sweater sleeve dragging behind her, swerving between the choristers legs, wool flying behind her, finally leaping into Father Eric’s arms where she nestled cosily, possessively gripping the sweater sleeve between her little paws. She tugged at it with her sharp little teeth, deftly unravelling the soft, cream wool and winding it around her paws.

“Sorry Shug” said Father Eric, embarrassed. “She needs the arran wool for the Val Doonican special.....”

Nettie stared and blinked at Shug.

Shug smiled wanly.

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

KBC News Studio

6:57 pm

"We interrupt this VD and KBC programming to bring you a special announcement," said Chambers Flannary.  "We've got William Rirey, the host of the newest season of Scottish Hometown Intercity Talent Show with us.  Hello, Will?"

The camera cut to Rirey.  "That's right, Chambers.  I'm outside the KBC Grand Auditorium and I've got this week's results from the public who have voted on who should be eliminated from the show!"

"Oh my," said Chambers, leaning over the desk.  "Who have you got there with you?"

"It's all of the contestants, Chambers.  They're braving the intense cold weather and deep snow to be with us for the results.  Shall we get started?"

"Yes, yes, by all means!"

"These are the acts who will be staying and appearing next week on Scottish Hometown Intercity Talent Show.  They are given in the order of how they ranked in the tally by the agency, Scottish Independent Counters Kilcathclyde.  Nettie the Knitting Kitten, Frank and the Fabulous Four Ferrets, Big Fannie White, Billy Burt Flanagan, ventriloquist Sr Edwina Elmore and St Heehaw, you should hear her, Chambers, she can sing in harmony with the puppet, it's absolutely fantastic!"

"I saw her Friday night, Will.  I couldn't believe it!"

"Next is Derek McClintock and his amazing kazoo playing, Sarah Pearson, Dwight de la Lune and his bass rebec, and then Tania McPhee our resident xylophonist!"

"Is that the whole list, Will?" asked Chambers.

"Well, more or less.  Regrettably, I have to announce that spoon piper Ronald Rotter and soprano Maggie MacAw have been eliminated.  That's the name of the game here at the talent show.  The public decides and that's the end of the discussion.  It's absolutely impossible to predict and can sometimes be  very puzzling.  Back to you in the studio, Chambers."

"Yes, that's the name of the game.  I can't believe that Ronald Rotter was eliminated.  I thought he was amazing!" said Chambers.

"He was.  He was, indeed.  So, that's all from here."

"Thank you, Will.  We will look forward to more from you very soon," said Chambers.  The image of Will and the contestants standing in the freezing cold air disappeared and Chambers addressed the camera directly.  "Well, there you have it, folks.  Ronald Rotter and Maggie MacAw have been eliminated from the competition.  Who could have predicted that?"  There was a pause.  "We should also warn you that the fierce winter weather we've been experiencing will deteriorate even further tonight.  We can expect 18 centimeters of snow and temperatures between -18 and -33 Celsius.  We now return you to your regular programming!"

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.

St Muckymuck Episode 17: Send In The Clown

If you like what we're doing here, you can help us by simply clicking on the ads on the right side and bottom of each new episode.  

Thank you so much for the wonderful comments and support we have been receiving.  Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated. 

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

Still in the church hall Thursday 7.23pm

Shug turned to face the choir. Before he could begin the evening’s practice, he noticed Ina sidling up to Mike Colby.

Mike was one of the choir’s best tenors.  He was also something of a local celebrity, due to his work as a children’s entertainer and magician. He often turned up to choir practice in costume. Tonight he was dressed as a clown, in full make up, curly wig and huge comedy shoes, carrying an old fashioned bicycle horn which he was constantly tooting, much to the annoyance of the choir.

"Ina" said Prudence sternly. "Can't you do something to stop that numpty honking?"

“With pleasure” Ina smiled wickedly.

Ina pulled her shoulders back, her plentiful bosom almost busting out of her low-cut, see through blouse and wiggled over towards Mike.

“Oh Mike” she giggled flirtatiously, her eyes dropping to the floor. “Are those really your feet...? You know what they say about men with big feet, don’t you....?”

“Oh Ina” said Mike, blushing. “You’d have to ask my wife about that...” he stuttered, smiling nervously.

“Why don’t we go into the broom cupboard and we’ll see if we can get those shoes off......and shirt.......and trousers........and shorts.......” Ina pushed Mike into the broom cupboard, ignoring his protests.

Shug shook his head, smirking.

Chris, the accompanist strode into the hall, winking and blowing exaggerated kisses to all the female choir members. As he approached Shug, he cleared his throat and thrust his hand manfully at Shug.

“Awright mate? How was your weekend?” he boomed, shaking Shug’s hand energetically. “I had a great time on Saturday – beers with my mates, women, football, more women, more beer. Ah yes, it’s great to be a REAL man!”

Shug frowned, perplexed.

“Father Eric’s looking for you.” he told Chris. “He’s nervous about Nettie’s knitting.”

“Oh right” said Chris. He thrust a sheet of paper into Shug’s hand. “Here’s tonight’s warm ups.  I’ll go and sort out Nettie’s knots”.

Shug read the tongue twisters scribbled on the paper.

“She said she should sit

She said she should sit

She said she should sit – so she sat!”

“Did Dick suck a duck

Or did a duck suck dick

Or did six ducks suck six dicks?”

“God!” said Shug, exasperated as he scrunched the paper into a ball and aimed at the wastepaper bin.

At that moment, the door to the church hall flew opened and, accompanied by a flurry of snow, in came Father Gabriel. In his hands was a huge tray with cups, saucers, milk, sugar, tea and assorted cakes.

“Tea’s up folks!” he cried.

“Ohhhhhh” the choir trilled.

“Gladys...” said Gabriel. “Could you pour....”.

Gladys slowly lifted her head from her music and glared pointedly at Gabriel. She didn’t say a word, merely the softest of growls came from deep within her pudgy body.

“Em...maybe Ina would be so kind....” Gabriel continued. “Ina?” he said, looking around the hall.

“She’s not here at the moment.” Shug sniggered, his shoulders shaking.

“Isn’t she at the dentist?” offered Emily by way of explanation. “I’m sure she said she had a hole she needed filled......”

Shug almost choked on his fruity flapjack.

“And where’s Mike?” asked Gabriel.

“Dunno...” said the choir, puzzled.

“No worries.” said Gabriel. “I’ll be sure to keep him a moist, sticky tart.”

Shug’s tea sprayed from his mouth like a hosepipe.

“I think he’s already had one of those today!” he spluttered.

At that moment, the broom cupboard door flew open and a large shiny clown shoe peeped out.......

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved

St Muckymuck Episode 16: Back to normal?

If you like what we're doing here, you can help us by simply clicking on the ads on the right side and bottom of each new episode.  

Thank you so much for the wonderful comments and support we have been receiving.  Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated. 

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

St Mocheomoc Church Hall, Thursday 7.02pm

As the snow fell softly but thickly on the pavements outside the church hall, the choir filed inside somewhat reluctantly for the weekly choir practice.

The hall was freezing.  The temperamental central heating was on the bung – again.

Some hot tea would have been welcomed by the shivering singers, but since Holly’s mysterious disappearance, tea was off the menu.

It was suggested that Gladys could deputise for Holly as tealady, but she made it plain in no uncertain terms that she did not wish to inherit such a mammoth responsibility.

“Make yer ain tea, ya bunch of chancers!” was her succinct response when asked.

As Shug and Ina set up the music stand and keyboard, a soft, but faintly annoyed voice could be heard coming from the small dais behind them.

“Now Nettie, that’s very naughty.....”

Everyone turned to see who was being rebuked and by whom.

Sitting on the middle of the dais, looking the picture of innocence was a tiny, tortoiseshell kitten, around four months old, washing her ears.  Bending over her, his left forefinger wagging furiously was Father Eric.

“Awwwww.....” chorused the choir as they gazed on the little furry feline.

“What’s she done?” asked Shug, himself a great cat lover.

“Well,” explained Father Eric as Nettie started to wash her paws. “Nettie is through to the live finals of the Scottish Hometown Intercity Talent Show. She knits and plays the drums with her needles while I sing....”

The choir looked at one another, incredulous. They stopped removing their coats and scarfs and listened, fascinated.

“At the end of the song,” continued Father Eric, “she displays what she has knitted to the audience. Chris and I have been teaching her to spell out words on her knitting and we showed her how to spell “CLAP” on the cableknit jumper she’s knitting for the Val Doonican special....”

“Yes.....?” the choir held their breath.

Father Eric sighed.

“Well, during rehearsals, while I was practising ‘Paddy McGinty’s Goat’, she knitted this.....”

He blushed as he held up Nettie’s tiny cableknit sweater for the choir to see. Instead of “CLAP” spelt out on the chest, Nettie had knitted the word “CRAP” in bright red wool.

“Ooooohhhh!”  the choir inhaled in unison. 

Nettie stopped washing herself and stared at the choir with a surprised look on her little face.  She blinked, turned and scampered behind the dais quickly followed by Father Eric.

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved

St Muckymuck, Episode 15: Back from the Break

If you like what we're doing here, you can help us by simply clicking on the ads on the right side and bottom of each new episode.  

Thank you so much for the wonderful comments and support we have been receiving.  Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated. 

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

KBC Grand Auditorium

9:30 pm

"Five minutes until we're back on, SB," yelled Jo, above the din.  "Places everyone!  PLACES!"

In the distance someone said, "Who peed on Nettie's knitting?"

People scurried back into place from audience to judge to contestant.  Big Fannie White went racing across the shiny black stage just as an enormous tongue of flame shot up, singeing her scarf.  She looked indignantly at Jo as though it was her fault, who shooed him, that is to say, her, offstage, holding the smoldering end of the scarf.

"Welcome back from the break!  We have more excitement coming your way, even more than we've already had!"  The audience seemed somewhat tepid given their recent record of ear-splitting ovations. 

Rirey pressed them.  "Now, now!  That will never do.  You are in the mood for more excitement, aren't you?  Well...AREN'T YOU?!"  The audience was soon back at its most powerful decibel ever.

"To get us back in the mood for celebration, we bring you Sr. Edwina Elmore and St. Heehaw!" 

As she came out, the crowd went wild and she performed an exciting rendition of "Paddy McGinty's Goat."  The judges loved her, most especially Mys Tery, who praised her commitment to the faith and applauded her courage for presenting the ordained and religious in such a positive light.  The speech was so long that Rirey had to cut her off.  The audience seemed almost relieved when the good sister finally exited the stage - some seven minutes later.

She wasn't all the way offstage when Rirey announced the next act.  "He's a Dapper Dan if ever there was one.  Right off the sidewalk of Savile Row.  We welcome to the stage Billy Burt Flanagan!" 

As he came onstage a plume of yellow smoke went up on the far right and far left of the stage.  Then a second plume of black smoke went up toward the center.  Then a third plume of yellow nearer still and finally in the very center, an enormous and long lasting plume of white smoke.  Everyone in the theatre was coughing and spluttering.  The woman with the sunglasses in the front row pulled out an inhaler and took a long and dramatic puff.  Mys Tery had a black handkerchief over her nose.  Venus grabbed the red handkerchief in Nick's lapel pocket.  This went completely unnoticed, as he was too busy pulling out a small bottle of saline drops.  "Ooooooowwwww!  My eyyyyyyyyyeeeeeees!" he screamed while coughing.  Damian Swashbuggles bellowed while hacking up a lung, "Jo, DO SOMETHING!"

Jo could be heard barking an order.  "Carol!  Turn the untested new ventilation system on high!"

She shouted an affirmation.  There was a click and then something akin to a jet plane starting up was heard.  The sudden change in air pressure from the powerful fan caused people to cover their ears protectively.  The suction cleared the smoke in the room in mere seconds but was so strong that both handkerchiefs in the lady judges' hands along with a host of tissues, programs, umbrellas and other unattached audience paraphernalia went flying into the air, rotating toward the ceiling.

"Turn it off, Carol!  That's absolutely fine!"  There was another click and the fan wound down, again resembling a jet plane this time pulling into an airport gate.  All the rotating debris in the air fell suddenly.  Everyone's clothes were jostled and disheveled and there wasn't a soul in the auditorium whose hair remotely resembled what it had when they arrived.  There was quite a stir as people resettled and located lost property.  Rirey came onstage, his glasses askew.

"Ah, the wonders of modern technology," he said and everyone laughed.  "And now!  Billy Burt Flanagan!"

The audience recovered as Billy Burt cooed and crooned "Paddy McGinty's Goat."  He had only begun the second verse when a group of eight dancers sauntered onstage.  They were dressed horn to hoof in eighteenth century, aristocratic clothing.  The women had on enormously wide panniers hoops and had perfectly coiffed Mme de Pompadour hairdos that seemed miles high.  The men had high heeled shoes and powdered wigs of their own.  They moved into position and then began an elegant minuet.

When the song was over the dancers completed their steps and bowed and curtsied gracefully.  Billy Burt was flashing a toothy smile as a large number of things came at him from the audience.  He picked up several of them and then produced one for the audience to see: a pair of white and blue knickers with Friday scripted on the rear.  The crowd went wild as he stepped toward the judges, who were both still adjusting their hair.  Everyone approved of his performance. 

Except Damian, "What was that???" he demanded,  pointing to and scowling at the last exiting dancer.  "What the hell did that have to do with anything???"

"Dunno," said Billy Burt.

"You can bet that the choreographer is going to hear from me about this," said Damian to himself.  "Jo, make a note to talk to Joseph Balletinette about this!"

"Yes, SB," she said from the wings of the stage.

At that moment an origami paper ball flew onto the stage from the audience, landing at Billy Burt's feet.  He bent down slowly, picked it up, and then opened it.  "What does it say, Billy!" needled Venus, smiling.

Billy Burt looked around.  At first he looked disturbed but then he flashed a boyish grin.  "I love you, Billy Burt Flanagan.  I want to have your love child!"  The whole room burst into laughter as Rirey came out.

"That's all we have time for Mr. Flanagan.  You can tell us next week who sent those!"  And he escorted the contestant offstage to tumultuous applause.

Rirey announced Big Fannie White who came out and sang "Paddy McGinty's Goat" wearing the Ascot scene dress from My Fair Lady: hat, gloves, and umbrella included.  The song was sung so perfectly that Mys Tery forgot to give the presbyteral drag queen a heckling remark.

Rirey came out again.  "Now for our final act for the evening!  But as Nettie gets set up, a moment to update you on another of our acts this evening.  We regret that Elsie will not be with us.  She has suffered a severed leg and an injured eye at the paws of a disgruntled participant eliminated from yesterday's auditions."  The audience chorused, "Awwww!"

"She has been rushed to St Mochaoi Hospital for emergency surgery.  Our thoughts and prayers go with her and her owner, Raina MacDonaghue, who is also in for treatment."  Everyone applauded.  "And now!  Nettie!"

Onstage were Nettie the Knitting Kitten and her owner Fr. Eric Lloyd Griffiths along with Chris the organist from St. Mocheomoc Cathedral choir whose job as trainer was to give the kitten the appropriate hand signs to indicate what she was to do. 

The music began and Fr. Eric launched into "Paddy McGinty's Goat."  Nettie accompanied him with tasteful clacks and rhythms from her knitting needles and percussion set.  A set of temple blocks had been added and she clopped out a verse thanks to Chris' ingenious direction.

But it was during the last verse that a stream of eight women dancers rushed onstage from the audience pulling with them eight black and white goats and carrying stools and buckets.  Even Fr. Eric watched as they set up and began milking the goats.  Not a single eye was on the adorable kitten who too was watching with rapt attention as the women began dancing with the buckets of milk.  The song ended and all that could be heard was a cricket chirping somewhere in the orchestra pit.

Everyone gawked at the eight maids a-milking, as they collected the buckets and stools, took the goats by their leashes, and exited the stage.  Damian Swashbuggles was so angry that it looked as though he was going to launch from his chair into orbit.  It was Rirey who caught the judges' attention as well as the audience's by declaring "Oh LOOK what Nettie's knitted!"

All eyes went back to Nettie who was holding up a pink cable knit sweater with a wet spot in the center of it and with the letters "V D" on it.  "What do the letters stand for Nettie?" asked Rirey.

Chris stood up.  "Val Doonican!" he said knowledgeably, while at the same exact moment Fr. Eric stated quite confidently, "Vatican Direct TV!"

The cat pointed to Venus Divagawa.

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved

St Muckymuck, Episode 14: Drama, Drama, Drama

If you like what we're doing here, you can help us by simply clicking on the ads on the right side and bottom of each new episode.  

Thank you so much for the wonderful comments and support we have received.  Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated.

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

KBC Grand Auditorium

8:30 pm

The next three acts were just as entertaining.  Maggie MacAw received rave reviews for her rendition of "Paddy McGinty's Goat."  All four of the judges loved her. 

Dwight de la Lune wowed everyone as he both sang "Paddy McGinty's Goat" and accompanied himself on his bass rebec, including tapping on the body of the instrument for percussion. 

Sarah Pearson somehow managed to tap the rhythm of the lyrics to "Paddy McGinty's Goat," as she was accompanied by Ronald Rotter.  The crowd loved them all.  "Hometown girl makes good!" they chanted as she left the stage.

Rirey plowed ahead.  "The next act for your entertainment this evening is a member of the St. Mochemoc Cathedral singers.  His wife is Penny and together they live on the south side of town.  In his spare time, Frank enjoys playing checkers at the pub, spending time on the continent, and participating in bocce ball tournaments.  The crowd applauded appreciatively.

"But that's not all Frank does?  Is it???"  He hollered.  "IS IT???"

The crowd began to chant, "Ferrets!  Ferrets!!  Ferrets!!!"

"Frank does something else in his spare time.  Doesn't he?"

"Ferrets!  Ferrets!!  Ferrets!!!"

"Frank trains Tom, Dick, Harry, and Francis...THE FABULOUS FOUR FERRETS!!"

The crowd screamed louder and louder.  Onstage bounced the four ferrets dressed as cutely as possible: as leprechauns.  They were clad in green suits with little black hats cocked to one side.  They came center stage, bowed several times and put their paws out for their owner who joined them.  Frank bowed and the ferrets quickly formed a letter "H."  The crowd yelled out the letter collectively as had happened at the auditions.  Then they formed an "I" and an exclamation point.  The audience, including the judges, returned the greeting in unison, "HI!"

The music began and Frank sang "Paddy McGinty's Goat."  The Ferrets danced a jig, first as individuals, then with two standing on the shoulders of the other two.  Then all four stacked up.  It was an impressive and hilarious sight to see.  As the song came to a close, they formed:

G O   G O  GOAT!

The audience went mad and was so loud that the last words sung by Frank were completely drowned out.  All five performers stepped forward to receive judgment.

"Nick, why don't you go first?" said Rirey.

"What the HELL was that?" Nick stated, his long face shaking with indignation.  The crowd displayed their disapproval by booing loudly.  He turned toward them, not seeing what The Ferrets were spelling.

N I C K  S M E L L S  L I K E  S H

He turned around in time to see the boys looking innocent.  In his full view they finished spelling

A V I N G  C R E A M

The audience howled with laughter. 

Rirey recovered, "What about you, Mys Tery?"

"I thought it was adorable," she said.  The audience roared.  "You stay like that forever.  Val would be proud if he was here.  I know he would be!"

"Venus,  what have you got to add?"

"You can always tell by the way the audience reacts.  Listen to them!" said Venus, turning around and motioning to the audience, which went absolutely bonkers.

The boys began to spell:

T H A N S K

Nick seized the opportunity for a dig at the Fab Four,

"Em, Frank, something is wrong with your spell check!"

He had said the wrong thing.  As though on overdrive The Ferrets moved into position:

N I C K  N I C K S  K N I C K E R S

 then:

Y O U  A R E  A N  A

Rirey stepped in with the speed of light.  "Amazing act!  Give it up for Frank and the Four Ferrets!"

The next acts included Tania McPhee malleting her xylophone to "Paddy McGinty's Goat."  Then Derek McClintock did an amazing job with his kazoo on "Paddy McGinty's Goat."  Val Doonican could have hoped for nothing more authentic.

At half time, the show went for a commercial break and most of the audience filed out.  People were milling around, adjusting sets and some were still mopping up soap residue from the earlier deluge of bubbles. 

All of the sudden, there was a scream.  Raina MacDonaghue's head appeared upstage left in a dead faint.  There was more screaming from backstage.  Rirey rushed on as the judges ran down the house to the stage. 

"What's going on?" he asked.

Tania McPhee ran onstage, as people milling in the auditorium looked on. 

"Something terrible's happened to Elsie.  A terrible, terrible thing.  Call for an ambulance!"

"What's happened?" asked Rirey.

"She's been attacked.  It's just terrible!" she screamed, tears running down her face.  Her hair was coming down out of its neat bun.

The Four Ferrets rushed onstage:

C H I  C H I

A faint cackle could be heard somewhere in the distance.

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.