St Muckymuck Episode 17: Send In The Clown

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WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

Still in the church hall Thursday 7.23pm

Shug turned to face the choir. Before he could begin the evening’s practice, he noticed Ina sidling up to Mike Colby.

Mike was one of the choir’s best tenors.  He was also something of a local celebrity, due to his work as a children’s entertainer and magician. He often turned up to choir practice in costume. Tonight he was dressed as a clown, in full make up, curly wig and huge comedy shoes, carrying an old fashioned bicycle horn which he was constantly tooting, much to the annoyance of the choir.

"Ina" said Prudence sternly. "Can't you do something to stop that numpty honking?"

“With pleasure” Ina smiled wickedly.

Ina pulled her shoulders back, her plentiful bosom almost busting out of her low-cut, see through blouse and wiggled over towards Mike.

“Oh Mike” she giggled flirtatiously, her eyes dropping to the floor. “Are those really your feet...? You know what they say about men with big feet, don’t you....?”

“Oh Ina” said Mike, blushing. “You’d have to ask my wife about that...” he stuttered, smiling nervously.

“Why don’t we go into the broom cupboard and we’ll see if we can get those shoes off......and shirt.......and trousers........and shorts.......” Ina pushed Mike into the broom cupboard, ignoring his protests.

Shug shook his head, smirking.

Chris, the accompanist strode into the hall, winking and blowing exaggerated kisses to all the female choir members. As he approached Shug, he cleared his throat and thrust his hand manfully at Shug.

“Awright mate? How was your weekend?” he boomed, shaking Shug’s hand energetically. “I had a great time on Saturday – beers with my mates, women, football, more women, more beer. Ah yes, it’s great to be a REAL man!”

Shug frowned, perplexed.

“Father Eric’s looking for you.” he told Chris. “He’s nervous about Nettie’s knitting.”

“Oh right” said Chris. He thrust a sheet of paper into Shug’s hand. “Here’s tonight’s warm ups.  I’ll go and sort out Nettie’s knots”.

Shug read the tongue twisters scribbled on the paper.

“She said she should sit

She said she should sit

She said she should sit – so she sat!”

“Did Dick suck a duck

Or did a duck suck dick

Or did six ducks suck six dicks?”

“God!” said Shug, exasperated as he scrunched the paper into a ball and aimed at the wastepaper bin.

At that moment, the door to the church hall flew opened and, accompanied by a flurry of snow, in came Father Gabriel. In his hands was a huge tray with cups, saucers, milk, sugar, tea and assorted cakes.

“Tea’s up folks!” he cried.

“Ohhhhhh” the choir trilled.

“Gladys...” said Gabriel. “Could you pour....”.

Gladys slowly lifted her head from her music and glared pointedly at Gabriel. She didn’t say a word, merely the softest of growls came from deep within her pudgy body.

“Em...maybe Ina would be so kind....” Gabriel continued. “Ina?” he said, looking around the hall.

“She’s not here at the moment.” Shug sniggered, his shoulders shaking.

“Isn’t she at the dentist?” offered Emily by way of explanation. “I’m sure she said she had a hole she needed filled......”

Shug almost choked on his fruity flapjack.

“And where’s Mike?” asked Gabriel.

“Dunno...” said the choir, puzzled.

“No worries.” said Gabriel. “I’ll be sure to keep him a moist, sticky tart.”

Shug’s tea sprayed from his mouth like a hosepipe.

“I think he’s already had one of those today!” he spluttered.

At that moment, the broom cupboard door flew open and a large shiny clown shoe peeped out.......

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved