St Muckymuck, Episode 19: Scottish Hometown Intercity Talent Show Week 2

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

KBC Grand Auditorium

Saturday night

8:00 pm

The lights went down and Rirey stepped out onto the stage.  The tumultuous applause began immediately.  He was well loved since his stint in the Glasgow Gay Pride drag show Glitter! Glamour!! Glasgow!!!  He was smartly dressed in a black suit with a vest and a white shirt.  His tie was shiny black and so where his shoes.  He looked like a priest.

"Welcome to our show, everyone!" he said, as the crowd clapped enthusiastically.  "We have had a wild weekend here at the Talent Show.  But before we get into all of that, let's introduce our four fabulous judges!"  The crowd clapped again. 

A screen of white and black smoke rose from the floor.  There was an enormous plume of flame that welled up from the floor across the entire length of the stage.  The lady in the front row from last week's show was already prepared: she had come into the theatre with her sunglasses on.

Upon the stage seemingly appearing out of now where were four people.  "First, all the way from San Francisco.  The wonderful...the fabulous...the divine Venus Divagawa!"  The crowd roared. 

"To her right is the amazing...the beautiful...the regal...Mys Tery!"  More roaring. 

"To the right of Mys Tery is the brave...the handsome...the owner of Scottish Hometown Intercity Talent Enterprises:  Damian Swashbuggles!!!"  Even more roaring! 

"To the left of Ms. Divagawa is our fourth judge.  Replacing the mysteriously missing Nicholas Strathearn-Smythe, along with an astonishing number of knickers, AND last night's guest judge Lord Justice Theophilus Chiefly, who is at home with kidney stones tonight..." there was a pause as the crowd, judges, and Rirey all said "Awwwww..." at precisely the same time. 

"We bring you a very special and exciting guest.  He's handsome.  He's funny.  He's tall.  And he has very nice legs!"  Rirey smiled, sheepishly and appeared to blush. 

"The music man for the amazingly talented Flying Pigs Productions.  All the way from Glasgow, the incredible Steven Rance!"  The crowd went mad.  There was a bunch of screaming from the women and some men all over the theatre.  There were more puffs of white and black smoke that threatened to envelope the judges and make them disappear.

The judges moved to the lit table in the center of the stage and sat down.  Rirey greeted them.  "How we are all this evening?  How about you Mr. Rance!  All ready for your exciting debut on the BBC on the 14th of December?"

"Hello, Will.  I'm so thrilled to be a part of this fantastic show," said Steve.  Women across the theatre cooed at the sound of his voice. 

"Will you marry me?" one shouted, as the crowd applause died away.  Without missing a beat, he turned to the young lady and said, "Now!  Now!  You were supposed to wait until I'd collected the money for the engagement ring!"  He winked at her and flashed a toothy grin.  The girl fainted dead away as the audience laughed raucously.

"We're thrilled to have you with us here tonight, Steve.  I'll have to get an autograph for Rafa!"

"But of course, Rirey.  I believe that can be arranged!  We don't want to disappoint Rafa, do we?  I know how temperamental he can be," said Steve, the toothy grin still spread across his face.

"But we must get on with the show!" said Rirey.  "First, a summary from last night's results.  As you know this week is American TV show jingles week!"  The audience roared and roared.  The clapping went on for ages. 

"As you'll recall, we lost Dwight de la Lune and his bass rebec for good last night."  The audience sighed audibly.  "Yes, 'tis true.  No more bass rebec.  Let's waste no time and get on with tonight's show!!!" 

"First up, xylophonist Tania McPhee is going to perform the theme from The Waltons!"  She came onstage and wowed the audience as her mallets blurred over the instrument.  She was followed by Sarah Pearson who tripped once while tap dancing to the theme from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air; then Derek McClintock did an outstanding job at playing the them from Bonanza on his kazoo. 

When he finished, Steve said to Venus, while checking out her ample bosom, "I had no idea anyone could play like that!"  She flashed a smile at him and batted her eyes.  Mys Tery noticed this and kicked Venus hard under the table.

Then it was time for Frank and the Fabulous Four Ferrets.  "Now we welcome Tom, Dick, Harry, and Francis!"  The audience went wild.  The ceiling shook with the roaring.  All five members of the band came out dressed in 60s styles suits, with clean cut hairdos, and sporting sunglasses. 

When the theme to Mission: Impossible began, the audience went wild.  The ferrets did all manner of spy-like tricks and acrobatics, including one in which Harry mimed holding the others up and then shooting them.  At the end they formed an "M" and then and "I".  The audience gobbled it up.  And as Rirey came out to talk to them the boys went crazy in their inimitable way, with the audience shouting out the letters:

S T E V E  L I K E S  V E N U S'  B I G  S H A R P  N I P S

Sensing danger, Rirey interrupted anything getting further out of hand.  "Thanks, Boys!  That was just incredible!"  The audience went wilder than ever.  The lights began to blink and there was a massive pouring of white and black smoke from the stage.  It became thicker and thicker until everyone was gasping for air.  Jo had Carol turn on the ventilation fan but it did no good.  The smoke continued to billow from the stage out into the audience.  Finally, the fire alarm sounded. 

Rirey ordered, "Please follow the nearest exit signs out of the building!"

It was pandemonium as people climbed over one another to get out of the zero visibility theatre.  People gathered outside the KBC Building.  Several weeks of below freezing temperatures and yards-deep snow met the audience as they filed out into the bitterly cold night air.  They were all coughing and spluttering.  As they collected on the porch to the main entrance, a voice came over the sound system.  "We will continue the Scottish Hometown Intercity Talent Show acts outside by the fountain.  Please meet Nettie the Knitting Kitten as she prepares to perform."

The crowd moved to the steps in front building facing the fountain, which was spectacularly lit.  Camerapeople and crew moved into position to capture the act for the home viewers. 

"OH!  It's Nettie!"  "What's she going to spell this time?"  "Will it be something like 'Terrific' or 'Some pig?'" and "I'm allergic to cats, you know.  But I just love Nettie."

Nettie had her percussion set in front of her as Fr. Eric stood next to her with a hand held microphone.  Chris was laying on the very cold concrete, wearing a black overcoat.  He had a hat on that had obviously come from Moscow. 

When Eric began, "It's the story...of a lovely lady..." the crowd went absolutely mad.  Their collective breath rose like fog into the clear cold night.  When the song was over and the tumultuous, thunderous applause had died down, the trio stepped forward to receive judgment.

"Steve, why don't you start us off?  What did you think?"

"Well, to the fellow doing the hand signs...you're quite distracting, you know.  And it's not your motions but that hat.  My choir director at church would tell you just what you could do with it."  The crowd booed. 

Someone in the house bellowed, "Hey, Rance.  Don't mess with my pussy!"  Everyone laughed, including Steve.  "But in spite of that...the cat was rather impressive," he said.  The crowd applauded.

"What about you, Venus?  What did you think?" said Rirey.

"Well, Rirey.  I have to question the choice of song.  But that's not the performers' fault.  That's the fault of their mentor."  She gave Mys Tery a withering look, who crossed her arms and looked away, seething with anger.  "I mean, come on.  The Brady Bunch?  Stupid."

"I take it you never had a crush on Greg Brady, then?  You tart!" said Mys Tery, turning on her neighbor.

Venus laughed out loud.  "As if!" she said when she'd caught her breath.

"Well, how do you think they did, Mys Tery?"

"I thought it was lovely.  The fact that we all got interrupted and sent out into this freezing cold weather notwithstanding...they did a very good job.  The witch next to me just can't admit that someone beside her own act did well.  I don't even remember who your acts are, Venus."

Venus looked as though she had been slapped.  She gaped at Mys Tery with her jaw hanging open.  "Of all the nerve!"

"Yes, I have nerve!" said Mys Tery and she blew a gust of frosty breath right in Venus' reddening face.

"Well, I'm glad I don't have your nerve in my tooth," said Venus, staring Mys Tery in the eye.

"What about you Damian?  What's your verdict?" asked Rirey, as the two female judges looked daggers at each other.

"I thought it was all right.  I mean, all things considered, it was really quite good," said Damian, smiling.  "I've got to be straightforward about these things, Rirey.  I think there's a promising career here with this act."

Rirey turned around to Nettie, Chris, and Fr. Eric.  "Give it up for..." he broke off.  Nettie had opened up her knitting to reveal GREG BRADY IS HOT!  Rirey, all of the judges, and the audience chorused together, "Awwwww...."  As the act left the area in front of the fountain, the crowd roared its approval.

"Next up...we present Big Fannie White!"  The crowd applauded.  The presbyteral drag queen came out with a blonde wig pulled back into a ponytail.  She wore puffy pink chiffon pants and a microscopic burgundy coat with a plunging neckline.  In short, she looked precisely like Barbara Eden in I Dream of Jeannie. 

She came out and sang the song using scat syllables in a style reminiscent of Ella Fitzgerald and making sleek and sensual movements, as in the opening credits to the famous 60s sitcom. 

As usual, Msgr Marco Black had done nothing to shave his thick, scruffy beard, nor trim the thick forest of hair on his chest or his legs.  But the song was so well done, that no one noticed.

About half way through, the host of dancers moved to the area in front of the fountain.  They were all dressed identically to the drag queen, even the men.  They slithered around  and crawled seductively.  At one point, half of the dancers sat down on the edge of the fountain while the other half moved between their legs, orgiastically.  Then, half of the dancers got down on all fours while the other half sat on top of them, riding them like ponies and pantomiming spanking them.

When the song was finished, Big Fannie White crossed her arms and blinked, accompanied by the sound effect from the show.  The crowd displayed its approval despite the cold.  Then, she stepped forward to take her judgment.  "Damian, you start us off this time," said Rirey.

"Well, I thought the movements were a bit distracting, shall we say, from the singing.  Joseph Balletinette strikes again.  I'll be having another chat with him.  But overall it was good.  Very nice, Fannie."

"And Mys Tery, what do you have to say?"

"Well, Rirey, I am afraid I am forced to agree with SB, here.  We're going to have to start checking people's IDs when they come here to see if they're old enough to view the choreography," she turned toward SB.  "I believe I'd like to add my voice to yours when you speak to Joey.  Completely off the chart that was!" 

She then turned back toward Big Fannie White.  "What can I say?  It was awful."  Big Fannie's eyes flashed.  "This song has words, you know.  Why didn't you sing the lyrics?  And that outfit.  Lord have mercy."  She made the Sign of the Cross over her sweetheart neckline, episcopally.  "No, not one of your best performances, Fan."

Venus smiled and jumped into the conversation without being prompted by Rirey.  "Well, I thought it was wonderful!" she said, laughing.  "I LOVE those pants!  I'd like to know where you got them."

Big Fannie White blushed.  "These old things?" she said, pulling at them and surveying them.  "I got them at Kilcathclyde Limited Amalgamated Proprietary Shopping Expo."

"OHHHH!" said Venus, clapping, excitedly.  "I must head over there right after the show and see what they have in the way of leather crinolines."

Mys Tery cut across her without looking at her.  "Puhleasssse, Venus!  We don't need to know about your sexual appetite."  She turned to Damian Swashbuggles.  "Honestly, SB.  This show is going to be on the kRabbit channel if you keep it up."

Rirey interrupted.  "What about you, Mr. Rance?  What do you think?"

"I'd like to hear more about Venus' sexual appetite!"

"Steven Rance!" admonished Mys Tery. "I would have expected better from you!"

"Sorry, your gra...I mean Your Majesty.  But with images of leather crinolines dancing in my heads, I'm quite unable to think properly."

"What's your verdict, Steve?" prompted Rirey.

"I thought it was fine.  I see a promising career developing here."

Everyone clapped as Big Fannie White made her way offstage with the two female judges looking as though they were going to begin a professional wrestling match at any moment.  The tension was palpable in the frosty air.

"We now welcome to the fountain area that inimitable religious personality, Sr Edwina Elmore!!!"  The crowd roared in spite of the cold.  She made her way onstage and the music began for the theme to The Addams Family.   St Heehaw sang the lyrics while the ventriloquating nun snapped her fingers and did a hilariously funny dance.  When she finished she bowed humbly and stepped forward.

Rirey called on Venus to begin.  "Well, I don't know quite what to say.  On the one hand, she's a nun and I don't want to get into any trouble with the ecclesiastical types that might be lurking around."  She cast an eye on Mys Tery, who was staring at her looking as though she would throttle her at any second.  "But the only thing I can say is that it was interesting."

"And what about you Steve?"

"I have nothing to say, really.  I liked the staging.  I liked the quality of the vocalism.  It was well done.  Nice job, Sister."  He said and the audience joined him in applauding the nunnerial ventriloquist.

"And SB, what do you have to say to the good sister?" asked Rirey.

"I thought you nailed it in one!" said Damian and the audience displayed total approval.

"Mys Tery, what would like to say?"

"I am so proud of you, Sr. Edwina.  I'm so, so, so proud of you.  This was an amazing performance," she said.  She began to cry.  Her beautiful blue eyes welling up with tears.  "You are such a good role model for all the religious out there.  And I applaud you."

Mys Tery began to clap and she stood up.  Within seconds, the entire gathering was applauding Sr. Edwina.  She blushed and bowed humbly.  She then held up St. Heehaw, who also took a bow.  She then made her way offstage.

"Our final act for the evening.  We welcome to the fountain, that knickers earning, velvety voiced, distinguished gentleman, Billy Burt Flanagan!" 

The crowd went wild.  He was dressed to the nines.  The long overcoat and white, cable knit scarf made him look like a Hollywood actor.  He had spats on his shoes and a matching walking stick.  But the icing on the cake was a top hat.  He bowed to the audience, tipping his hat.  The women, as well as some of the men, went wild and screamed.  The lady with the sunglasses from last week was standing in the front of the audience on the steps facing the fountain.  She fainted backward into the people behind her.

When the music to the theme to The Love Boat started, several more people fainted including one man.  When he went into the chorus, the whole audience joined in with him.  When he finished, mittens, caps, and scarves went flying toward the handsome crooner.  All the judges loved his performance.

Including Steve, "I'd throw my knickers if I had any on!  He's hot!"

"Hmm...no knickers this week, eh, Billy?" observed Rirey.  "Any ideas why that might be?

"I suppose it's because it's so cold!" said Billy.  He picked up one of the mittens.  "Marry me!"  He smiled and flashed a toothy grin to the crowd while holding up the hat.  "I'd be honored, madame!" he said, tipping his hat.  Another three or four people fainted.

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.