St Muckymuck, Episode 15: Back from the Break

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WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

KBC Grand Auditorium

9:30 pm

"Five minutes until we're back on, SB," yelled Jo, above the din.  "Places everyone!  PLACES!"

In the distance someone said, "Who peed on Nettie's knitting?"

People scurried back into place from audience to judge to contestant.  Big Fannie White went racing across the shiny black stage just as an enormous tongue of flame shot up, singeing her scarf.  She looked indignantly at Jo as though it was her fault, who shooed him, that is to say, her, offstage, holding the smoldering end of the scarf.

"Welcome back from the break!  We have more excitement coming your way, even more than we've already had!"  The audience seemed somewhat tepid given their recent record of ear-splitting ovations. 

Rirey pressed them.  "Now, now!  That will never do.  You are in the mood for more excitement, aren't you?  Well...AREN'T YOU?!"  The audience was soon back at its most powerful decibel ever.

"To get us back in the mood for celebration, we bring you Sr. Edwina Elmore and St. Heehaw!" 

As she came out, the crowd went wild and she performed an exciting rendition of "Paddy McGinty's Goat."  The judges loved her, most especially Mys Tery, who praised her commitment to the faith and applauded her courage for presenting the ordained and religious in such a positive light.  The speech was so long that Rirey had to cut her off.  The audience seemed almost relieved when the good sister finally exited the stage - some seven minutes later.

She wasn't all the way offstage when Rirey announced the next act.  "He's a Dapper Dan if ever there was one.  Right off the sidewalk of Savile Row.  We welcome to the stage Billy Burt Flanagan!" 

As he came onstage a plume of yellow smoke went up on the far right and far left of the stage.  Then a second plume of black smoke went up toward the center.  Then a third plume of yellow nearer still and finally in the very center, an enormous and long lasting plume of white smoke.  Everyone in the theatre was coughing and spluttering.  The woman with the sunglasses in the front row pulled out an inhaler and took a long and dramatic puff.  Mys Tery had a black handkerchief over her nose.  Venus grabbed the red handkerchief in Nick's lapel pocket.  This went completely unnoticed, as he was too busy pulling out a small bottle of saline drops.  "Ooooooowwwww!  My eyyyyyyyyyeeeeeees!" he screamed while coughing.  Damian Swashbuggles bellowed while hacking up a lung, "Jo, DO SOMETHING!"

Jo could be heard barking an order.  "Carol!  Turn the untested new ventilation system on high!"

She shouted an affirmation.  There was a click and then something akin to a jet plane starting up was heard.  The sudden change in air pressure from the powerful fan caused people to cover their ears protectively.  The suction cleared the smoke in the room in mere seconds but was so strong that both handkerchiefs in the lady judges' hands along with a host of tissues, programs, umbrellas and other unattached audience paraphernalia went flying into the air, rotating toward the ceiling.

"Turn it off, Carol!  That's absolutely fine!"  There was another click and the fan wound down, again resembling a jet plane this time pulling into an airport gate.  All the rotating debris in the air fell suddenly.  Everyone's clothes were jostled and disheveled and there wasn't a soul in the auditorium whose hair remotely resembled what it had when they arrived.  There was quite a stir as people resettled and located lost property.  Rirey came onstage, his glasses askew.

"Ah, the wonders of modern technology," he said and everyone laughed.  "And now!  Billy Burt Flanagan!"

The audience recovered as Billy Burt cooed and crooned "Paddy McGinty's Goat."  He had only begun the second verse when a group of eight dancers sauntered onstage.  They were dressed horn to hoof in eighteenth century, aristocratic clothing.  The women had on enormously wide panniers hoops and had perfectly coiffed Mme de Pompadour hairdos that seemed miles high.  The men had high heeled shoes and powdered wigs of their own.  They moved into position and then began an elegant minuet.

When the song was over the dancers completed their steps and bowed and curtsied gracefully.  Billy Burt was flashing a toothy smile as a large number of things came at him from the audience.  He picked up several of them and then produced one for the audience to see: a pair of white and blue knickers with Friday scripted on the rear.  The crowd went wild as he stepped toward the judges, who were both still adjusting their hair.  Everyone approved of his performance. 

Except Damian, "What was that???" he demanded,  pointing to and scowling at the last exiting dancer.  "What the hell did that have to do with anything???"

"Dunno," said Billy Burt.

"You can bet that the choreographer is going to hear from me about this," said Damian to himself.  "Jo, make a note to talk to Joseph Balletinette about this!"

"Yes, SB," she said from the wings of the stage.

At that moment an origami paper ball flew onto the stage from the audience, landing at Billy Burt's feet.  He bent down slowly, picked it up, and then opened it.  "What does it say, Billy!" needled Venus, smiling.

Billy Burt looked around.  At first he looked disturbed but then he flashed a boyish grin.  "I love you, Billy Burt Flanagan.  I want to have your love child!"  The whole room burst into laughter as Rirey came out.

"That's all we have time for Mr. Flanagan.  You can tell us next week who sent those!"  And he escorted the contestant offstage to tumultuous applause.

Rirey announced Big Fannie White who came out and sang "Paddy McGinty's Goat" wearing the Ascot scene dress from My Fair Lady: hat, gloves, and umbrella included.  The song was sung so perfectly that Mys Tery forgot to give the presbyteral drag queen a heckling remark.

Rirey came out again.  "Now for our final act for the evening!  But as Nettie gets set up, a moment to update you on another of our acts this evening.  We regret that Elsie will not be with us.  She has suffered a severed leg and an injured eye at the paws of a disgruntled participant eliminated from yesterday's auditions."  The audience chorused, "Awwww!"

"She has been rushed to St Mochaoi Hospital for emergency surgery.  Our thoughts and prayers go with her and her owner, Raina MacDonaghue, who is also in for treatment."  Everyone applauded.  "And now!  Nettie!"

Onstage were Nettie the Knitting Kitten and her owner Fr. Eric Lloyd Griffiths along with Chris the organist from St. Mocheomoc Cathedral choir whose job as trainer was to give the kitten the appropriate hand signs to indicate what she was to do. 

The music began and Fr. Eric launched into "Paddy McGinty's Goat."  Nettie accompanied him with tasteful clacks and rhythms from her knitting needles and percussion set.  A set of temple blocks had been added and she clopped out a verse thanks to Chris' ingenious direction.

But it was during the last verse that a stream of eight women dancers rushed onstage from the audience pulling with them eight black and white goats and carrying stools and buckets.  Even Fr. Eric watched as they set up and began milking the goats.  Not a single eye was on the adorable kitten who too was watching with rapt attention as the women began dancing with the buckets of milk.  The song ended and all that could be heard was a cricket chirping somewhere in the orchestra pit.

Everyone gawked at the eight maids a-milking, as they collected the buckets and stools, took the goats by their leashes, and exited the stage.  Damian Swashbuggles was so angry that it looked as though he was going to launch from his chair into orbit.  It was Rirey who caught the judges' attention as well as the audience's by declaring "Oh LOOK what Nettie's knitted!"

All eyes went back to Nettie who was holding up a pink cable knit sweater with a wet spot in the center of it and with the letters "V D" on it.  "What do the letters stand for Nettie?" asked Rirey.

Chris stood up.  "Val Doonican!" he said knowledgeably, while at the same exact moment Fr. Eric stated quite confidently, "Vatican Direct TV!"

The cat pointed to Venus Divagawa.

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved