From Sir Theophilus Stidham-Chaunter's Lives of the Kilcathclydian Saints published in 1861

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

ST HAMISH

St Hamish is the patron saint of lochs, dolphins, and afflictions relating to waterborne diseases.  He was born on 23 August, 655 in a cabin alongside Loch Haugh in the village of Auchinhaugh.  His mother, Faimish, was from the neighboring village of Haughinauch and his father, also called Hamish, is from the same village as his son.  It is known from St. Hamish's writings that he was called "Little Ham" to distinguish him from his father.  He was the oldest of eleven children.

St. Hamish kept very exact records all of his life.  We have literally hundreds of scrolls all of which are carefully preserved in the library at Faughinhaugh Abbey.  Apparently highly intelligent from his youth, Hamish spoke many languages and his personal writings are thus found in many different languages, depending on what language he was currently studying.  We find entries in Western Q Gaelic, Eastern R Gaelic, Latin, Greek, Old Franconian, and Ancient Frisian.

He left for Rome to study theology at the age of 18.  There he studied Ancient Hebrew and Greek and became a scholar in Old Testament studies.  He became the first person to translate the Book of Job into Q Gaelic.  Hamish completed his studies and was back in his native village to found an abbey, Faughinhaugh, in 678.  He launched an intense ministry campaign and the entire region had converted to the Church in just five years.  He was greatly loved by the faithful.

In 691, after suffering a very serious illness in which he ran an extremely high fever for six weeks, Hamish had a vision of St. Mocheomoc telling him to walk out onto Loch Haugh.  Delirious from Goldillochs flu, he stripped off his robes and headed for the banks on the western side of the loch.  According to the abbey records, despite attempts from several people to physically restrain Hamish, he managed to wade out into the freezing cold waters of the loch.

Reciting the Book of Job in Q Gaelic, Hamish began to sink.  The temperature of the water seemed to bring him out of his fever induced delirium and his last known words were "Och lochs!" as he sank into the frigid black depths.  His body was never recovered from the loch and legend has it that he was assumed into heaven on the back of a dolphin that lived in the loch.  Interestingly, his relics include his clothes, which remain perfectly preserved in the Cathedral of St. Hamish in Auchinhaugh, and several dolphin teeth reported to have been collected by Hamish.  The teeth are without blemish and are as white as snow, and have been proven to be resistant to staining and fire.

The Diocese of St. Hamish was created in the tenth century owing to the growing number of converts in the region.  Its bishops are anointed in the library of Faughinhaugh Abbey, which is all that remains of the monastery after it was destroyed by Henry VIII in the sixteenth century.  The plethora of the saints' writings are considered part of the relics and are thus carefully secured in a special room.  Special permission must be obtained from Rome in order to read the scrolls and scribbles located therein.

His feast day is 20 March.

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.