St Muckymuck Episode 4: My Precioussssssss

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

Shug walked up the street and around the corner to Kibble, the image of the pooling red paint resembling blood burned into the inside of his eyelids.  "What does it all mean?" he said to himself as he entered the store, passing the homeless person begging for money outside.

There were no baskets at the entrance.  So he grabbed one of those large, cloth bags and began putting packages of yogurt into it.  "Hey...tha's no' allowed!" said a young man in a blue shirt, coming up to him.

"But there were no baskets in the entryway," said Shug.

"I'm sorry but that's no' my faul'.  Ye'll have tae ge' a basket," he replied.

"But...there...aren't...any!" said Shug, slightly louder and more slowly.

"Look around the store and find one, bampot!"

"I'm sorry but isn't that your job?  I'm supposed to buy the food not collect the baskets, last I heard," said Shug, stiffening.

As the manager was about to come back with a nasty retort, two women approached him.

"Here you are, kind sir.  No one does anything at all in this store.  It's a wonder they stay open," said one of them.

"Thank y..." he stopped mid sentence and then gasped loudly.  Myra Dick was standing there with Violet Busby, the director of the Overdale East Parish Choir.  They both waved at him as his heart leaped into his throat.

*  *  *

The next morning, Holly Gordon made her way to work.  She had crossed the street and was just about to enter the subway station when someone pushed her very hard, knocking her to the ground with a jolt.  "Hey!" She turned her head to see a double pram go zooming by with a shrieking mother behind.  "My babies!"

She sat on the ground watching the lady following the careening baby carrier.  "If that had hit me, I'd have had to go to the doctor."  Who had pushed her?  No one was around.

She made her way to work and was setting her things down on her cubicle desk when she noticed the room was completely empty.  Mr. Ferguson, her apple-shaped boss came in.  "Good morning, Holly," he said.

"Good morning, Mr. Ferguson.  Where is everyone?  Goldillochs flu going around again?" she said.

"Not quite, Ms. Gordon.  I have some news for you.  Due to the budget cuts, we had to make the whole department redundant." he said, avoiding her eye.

"Oooooh," she said, suddenly worried.  "The whole department, including me, no doubt."

"Actually, you are the only one who was retained.  Congratulations, Holly!  Someone up there is looking after you," said Mr. Ferguson, pointing upward.

That night, she was sitting on the couch with her boyfriend, Bob Robertson, watching television.  Watch Our Balls! , the Kilcathclyde lottery draw program, came on.  Holly watched as the numbers came up:  7  14  21  28  35  42.  "I should get the ticket and check it.  You never know!" she said to Bob.  When she returned a moment later holding the ticket she heard "and the Magic Ball is  49!"  She scanned down the ticket.

KILCATCHLYDE MAGIC BALLS LOTTERY

FOR DRAW ON 

13 NOVEMBER 2010

7  14  21  28  35  42

MAGIC BALL:  49

GOOD LUCK!

THE MAGIC BALLS LOTTERY BENEFITS OUR ATHLETIC PROGRAMS IN OUR SCHOOLS.  IF YOU CAN'T BE AN ATHLETE YOU CAN BE AN ATHLETICS SUPPORTER!!!

She read and then reread the ticket.  How could it be?  She never heard Bob ask her, "Well, did you win?"  All she heard was "the winning amount for tonight's jackpot is £187,777,777!"  A dark expression crossed Holly's normally jolly face.  She looked sideways at Bob.  "Fancy a cup of tea?" she said, petting the ticket.

"Sounds good," said Bob.

She got up from the couch, continually staring at the ticket.  "Come with me, my love, my preciousssss..."

Three hours later at the end of The Joy Luck Club, Bob was wondering where Holly had gone.  He got up from the couch and went into the kitchen.  "Holly?"  But there was no sign of his girlfriend.  Silk wound herself around his ankles and peered up at him with her beautiful amber eyes.  She mewed, hungrily.

*  *  *

Damon Swashbuggles sat down at the anchor's desk.  "Now, Mr. Swashbuggles," said the assistant who was pinning a microphone on his lapel.  "Will you be needing a glass of water?"

"Yes, that would be lovely, Rafa," he said, gazing at the stunningly handsome boy.  

"You're on next.  Chambers Flannary will be in in just a moment."

A moment later, the KBC news anchor was questioning Damon Swashbuggles.  "Welcome SB."

"Thank you, Chambers.  It is a pleasure to be here with you," he said, flashing his teeth with a broad smile.

"I understand there is an announcement about the upcoming session of the show."

"Yes, Chambers, there is.  I'm excited to announce that we have not one but two new exciting hosts."

"Two?  I thought there was only one.  How exciting!" said Chambers, leaning across the desk.

"It was.  As you remember, Polly McNightingale became ill with St. Odious navelitis.  So we knew we were going to have to have someone come in and fill in for her while she recovers from her navelectomy.  But then our other host, Robyn Flitterworth is announcing that she and her partner, Isis Dunblane

"Oh, wonderful!" said Chambers.  "How exciting!"

"Indeed!" replied Damon.

"So who are the new judges then!  Don't keep us in suspense any longer!!!"

"Scottish Homegrown Intercity Talent Show is pleased to announce that Ms. McNightingale's judicial position will be filled by none other than Mys Tery, longtime queen of Glasgow Gay Pride!!!"

Everyone in the studio clapped.  "How wonderful!  I hope you'll let her sing.  She makes the hair on the back of my neck stick up!" said Chambers.  "And who is the other?"

"We scoured the entire planet, looking for someone who could match Mys Tery's gracious beauty and inimitable personality.  And we finally found the right person," said Damon.

"The suspense is killing me!  Please, tell us and all the little Kilcathclydians out there who it is???"

"It is the famous goddess of the musical stage Ms. Venus Divagawa!"

The entire studio burst into applause again.  "Amazing!!" said Chambers when he finished clapping.  "I am looking forward to the competition!"

Venus Divagawa giggled as turned off the television following the announcement.  She pranced around her room at the Centurion Hotel preparing to go out for the evening and was wearing nothing but a large pink towel which had "Princess" swirled across it and clear high heel shoes. She entered the bathroom to turn on the shower, then, she placed a beautiful tiara into the safe in the closet of her hotel room, humming to herself all the while.

She kicked off her shoes and went into the bathroom, stepped into the shower.  She had just gotten shampoo into her hair and never heard the high shrill shrieking sound that announced there was a fire.  A figure entered the bathroom and pulled back the curtain, startling her.

"I'm sorry Ms. Divagawa but there is a fire.  The alarm is sounding, could you please make your way outside the building," said an attendant from the hotel. "Here is your towel."

Venus wrapped the towel around herself making sure that the "Princess" scripted across it was neatly positioned under her bosom.  She then retrieved the tiara and put it on her lathered up hair.  Upon entering the lobby, she was first in line of 12 girls who all had towels wrapped around themselves, only theirs was white.  The chorus line went into the protected space between the hotel and the St Bunnicula Square train station.

Her permanently applied make up meant she was ready to go onstage at a moment's notice.  "Come on girls!  Let's entertain the troops while they put this fire out!"  A space cleared as people murmured to one another "Oh my!  Venus Divagawa!"  "I didn't know she was staying here!"  and "Look at how beautiful her make up is!"  And as though joined by an invisible orchestra, Venus began to sing:

I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair...

an elaborate dance number followed while the occupants of the hotel peered on with rapt attention.  Even people from the train station poured into the street to watch the show.

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.