St Muckymuck, Episode 14: Drama, Drama, Drama

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WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

KBC Grand Auditorium

8:30 pm

The next three acts were just as entertaining.  Maggie MacAw received rave reviews for her rendition of "Paddy McGinty's Goat."  All four of the judges loved her. 

Dwight de la Lune wowed everyone as he both sang "Paddy McGinty's Goat" and accompanied himself on his bass rebec, including tapping on the body of the instrument for percussion. 

Sarah Pearson somehow managed to tap the rhythm of the lyrics to "Paddy McGinty's Goat," as she was accompanied by Ronald Rotter.  The crowd loved them all.  "Hometown girl makes good!" they chanted as she left the stage.

Rirey plowed ahead.  "The next act for your entertainment this evening is a member of the St. Mochemoc Cathedral singers.  His wife is Penny and together they live on the south side of town.  In his spare time, Frank enjoys playing checkers at the pub, spending time on the continent, and participating in bocce ball tournaments.  The crowd applauded appreciatively.

"But that's not all Frank does?  Is it???"  He hollered.  "IS IT???"

The crowd began to chant, "Ferrets!  Ferrets!!  Ferrets!!!"

"Frank does something else in his spare time.  Doesn't he?"

"Ferrets!  Ferrets!!  Ferrets!!!"

"Frank trains Tom, Dick, Harry, and Francis...THE FABULOUS FOUR FERRETS!!"

The crowd screamed louder and louder.  Onstage bounced the four ferrets dressed as cutely as possible: as leprechauns.  They were clad in green suits with little black hats cocked to one side.  They came center stage, bowed several times and put their paws out for their owner who joined them.  Frank bowed and the ferrets quickly formed a letter "H."  The crowd yelled out the letter collectively as had happened at the auditions.  Then they formed an "I" and an exclamation point.  The audience, including the judges, returned the greeting in unison, "HI!"

The music began and Frank sang "Paddy McGinty's Goat."  The Ferrets danced a jig, first as individuals, then with two standing on the shoulders of the other two.  Then all four stacked up.  It was an impressive and hilarious sight to see.  As the song came to a close, they formed:

G O   G O  GOAT!

The audience went mad and was so loud that the last words sung by Frank were completely drowned out.  All five performers stepped forward to receive judgment.

"Nick, why don't you go first?" said Rirey.

"What the HELL was that?" Nick stated, his long face shaking with indignation.  The crowd displayed their disapproval by booing loudly.  He turned toward them, not seeing what The Ferrets were spelling.

N I C K  S M E L L S  L I K E  S H

He turned around in time to see the boys looking innocent.  In his full view they finished spelling

A V I N G  C R E A M

The audience howled with laughter. 

Rirey recovered, "What about you, Mys Tery?"

"I thought it was adorable," she said.  The audience roared.  "You stay like that forever.  Val would be proud if he was here.  I know he would be!"

"Venus,  what have you got to add?"

"You can always tell by the way the audience reacts.  Listen to them!" said Venus, turning around and motioning to the audience, which went absolutely bonkers.

The boys began to spell:

T H A N S K

Nick seized the opportunity for a dig at the Fab Four,

"Em, Frank, something is wrong with your spell check!"

He had said the wrong thing.  As though on overdrive The Ferrets moved into position:

N I C K  N I C K S  K N I C K E R S

 then:

Y O U  A R E  A N  A

Rirey stepped in with the speed of light.  "Amazing act!  Give it up for Frank and the Four Ferrets!"

The next acts included Tania McPhee malleting her xylophone to "Paddy McGinty's Goat."  Then Derek McClintock did an amazing job with his kazoo on "Paddy McGinty's Goat."  Val Doonican could have hoped for nothing more authentic.

At half time, the show went for a commercial break and most of the audience filed out.  People were milling around, adjusting sets and some were still mopping up soap residue from the earlier deluge of bubbles. 

All of the sudden, there was a scream.  Raina MacDonaghue's head appeared upstage left in a dead faint.  There was more screaming from backstage.  Rirey rushed on as the judges ran down the house to the stage. 

"What's going on?" he asked.

Tania McPhee ran onstage, as people milling in the auditorium looked on. 

"Something terrible's happened to Elsie.  A terrible, terrible thing.  Call for an ambulance!"

"What's happened?" asked Rirey.

"She's been attacked.  It's just terrible!" she screamed, tears running down her face.  Her hair was coming down out of its neat bun.

The Four Ferrets rushed onstage:

C H I  C H I

A faint cackle could be heard somewhere in the distance.

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.