St Muckymuck - Episode 2 - A Great Working Relationship

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

Ina was roused from her vitriolic daydreams by the arrival of Shug strolling jauntily into the Hall, whistling merrily.

“Hello Ina!” he cried cheerily. 

How Ina detested his stupid American poofy twang, his irritatingly white, even toothed smile. 

She grinned back, “Hiya Babe! How you doin’?” she cooed.

No-one, not even Shug could have guessed the seething, simmering hatred she felt for him inside.

As Shug made his way through the choristers who had by now been seated by Sister Gertie, he felt a hand squeeze his bottom.

‘’Grace Smart!’’ he cried ‘’you cheeky monkey!’’ and made his way to the front of the hall ready to start rehearsal.

Ina stood, feet apart, firmly entrenched in her position clutching the music stand, determined to remain centre-stage.

Shug smiled warmly at Ina, his face gripped in a grimace of loathing for this dim-witted, vacuous, musically inept woman with whom he had been forced to work.  Still, he had to bury those unchristian thoughts deep in his heart, as it was clear to him how much Ina liked and admired him and he couldn’t bear to hurt her.

“Shug, my love” said Ina condescendingly, “I think the tenors could do with some help......that’s it my darling......right up at the back..........no, no....the very back row. That’s it.”

Shug obediently made his way to the back corner of the rehearsal room, smiling sheepishly at everyone. He made his mind up to have a talk with Gabriel about Ina who had a most irritating smirk plastered across her face.

Twenty minutes later, after some prolonged footering and paper shuffling, Chris the principal accompanist finally appeared, steaming latte in one hand, “Choral Warm-Ups Vol.22, Part 6” in the other, backpack casually hanging from his broad shoulder. 

He strolled in nonchalantly, enjoying the murmurs of admiration coming from the ladies of the choir. “Grace!” he squealed in mock shock as she fondled his bottom as he passed her chair. 

He particularly noticed the adoring but shy glances coming from the sopranos.  They giggled uncontrollably as Chris fired off several of his hilarious, throwaway one-liners while everyone laughed hysterically at his rubber faced antics.  Oh, he was a card was Chris.  Handsome, sexy, funny, tall, and so very gifted musically. No wonder he had so many admirers, both male and female.

Even Ina felt a bit more cheery when Chris made his entrance.  Pushing up her push up bra, she made a mental note to invite him to “tea” on Sunday in the broom cupboard after noon mass.  Just what the doctor ordered.  She made another mental note to have “tea” with the Doctor too....

Shug also felt uplifted when he saw Chris appear. He too was thinking about Chris.  Chris was the only subject on which Shug and Ina were in complete accord.

Chris began the warm-up.

“Everyone stand!” he cried. “I’ve got a new, splendid tongue-twister for you tonight”

The choir jumped to their feet excitedly, scattering their sheet music all over the floor.

“Yaaayy” they chorused. Everyone loved Chris’ warm-ups. They brightened up what was an otherwise very dull choir practice.

“Ah, one-two-three-four!

“If you’re keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,

Buy a cunning, stunning stunt kite!”

“Hoorah!” cried the choir, howling with laughter, as they pirouetted up and down the scales.

Holly Gordon hurried in from the hall kitchen, tray precariously perched on one hand, tea slopping and dripping onto the floor.  “Tea’s up!” she cried.  Everyone looked away pretending not to hear. 

Holly’s tea was toxic. It was always cold, weak, and tasted like slurry, but she insisted that everyone have a cuppa and a soggy, foosty biscuit.

Holly was 44 years old and was one of the choir’s leading tenors. She was also the choir treasurer.  She collected money from everyone every week for ‘choir funds’, but no-one seemed to know what these funds were, or for that matter, ever saw the money again.....

Chris sighed, glad that he had brought his own coffee. He winked at Grace and waved his cup in her direction in a mock gesture of ‘’cheers’’.  Grace lowered her eyes coquettishly and gave a girlish giggle which defied her 78 years.

Ina was getting impatient.

“Can we please move onto the music for the Papal Mass auditions, please”.

Chris looked dejected as he closed his bumper book of “Tongue Twisters For The Mentally Challenged.” He had at least another seven he wanted to teach the choir tonight.

Pope Quivox LXXXVII was due to visit Scotland the following spring, but rumour had it that he was having second thoughts about undertaking the visit.  The official line was he had ‘health problems’, but Sister Gertie knew better....

She smiled serenely as she hit the high ‘F’ of Chris’s final warm-up, “Birdie, birdie in the sky, laid a turdie in my eye!”

Shug stood up. “Ina, perhaps we should rehearse a little Bach or Handel....!”

“Oh look” interrupted Ina, “Time to go home!”

The choir leapt gratefully to their feet and stampeded towards the exit door.

Shug clenched his fists, closed his eyes and counted to 20.  Something would have to be done about Ina....

As he made his way homeward, pondering over his dilemma, he didn’t notice the figure, standing in the shadows of the Cathedral itself. A figure which followed him all the way home to Kiltie Grove, south of the river Cathclyde, remaining for many hours, gazing up at his bedroom window before vanishing into the dark night.....

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.