From Stidham-Chaunter's Lives of the Kilcathclydian Saints published in 1861

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

St. Hawmaw

St. Hawmaw is the patron saint of feet and afflictions of the toes.  His second cousin, Mocheomoc, is the patron saint of the city of Kilcathclyde.  St. Mochaoi Church, which was constructed on the site of an older chapel, was originally named for Hawmaw but was changed when the existing church was constructed in the sixteenth century.

Hawmaw was born in 570 in the village of Deuighldale located in the twin lochs region of Goldillochs in the Northern Highlands.  The date of his birth is disputed but it is traditionally thought to be 29 February.  In 585 he was kidnapped by pirates and sold into slavery in Rome.  There he was bought by an eccentric bishop, Plebius the Peculiar.  Plebius educated Hawmaw who took vows as a monk for the Plebian Order in 590.  Not much is known about Hawmaw's whereabouts until 600 when he is reported to have been sent as a missionary to the dangerous and fearsome Filandereri tribe of northern Scotland.

In 605, the Filandereri rose up against Hawmaw  and held him captive in a small cottage on the northern banks of Goldillochs Major.  When the Bishop of Teithmen mistakenly sent a ransom chest full of sandals instead of gold, the Filandereri began cutting off Hawmaw's toes.  The big toe from both of Hawmaw's feet were sent to the Bishop along with Hawmaw's left sandal.  The Bishop's eyes reportedly watered at the sight of them.  Unable to walk, Hawmaw developed the dreaded Goldillochs' flu and died on 31 October, 603.

The winter that followed was the driest in recorded history.  No snow or rain fell for over four months in the Northern Highlands.  The Filandereri tribe being highly superstitious, became dreadfully afraid that God was punishing them for the death of Hawmaw.  When the Bishop of Teithmen arrived with Hawmaw's toes perfectly preserved, the tribal king, Laht Rednaen the Brutal, fell on his knees and converted.  Almost immediately it began to rain and the rest of the tribe converted that night.  When the Bishop returned to Teithmen, Hawmaw's toes had shrivelled, all except the toenails, which glowed mysteriously bright green and still do.  A ball of ear wax which was attributed to Hawmaw was added to the holy relics but was later determined to have belonged to St. Mocheomoc.

Since then, many miraculous healings have been reported.  Hawmaw was canonized almost immediately along with his mother, Heehaw, whose relics of several eyelashes and a kidney stone are on display in a large protective glass case in St. Mochaoi Church.  Heehaw is said to have wept tears of green ice when she heard of her son's gruesome death.  She is also said to have thrown herself into the southern banks of Goldillochs Major and washed up perfectly preserved on the northern banks of Goldillochs Minor two years later to the day of her son's death.

A prayer is attributed to Hawmaw, supposedly was miraculously imprinted on the bottom of his left sandal, which was lost during the celebrations for the end of the Black Death at St. Mocheomoc Cathedral in 1415.  Sandal and poem are depicted in an ancient stained glass window, now located in the  facade of St. Mochaoi's Church.  The poem is presented here translated from the Latin appearing in the window:

Sole of my sandal

Sanctify my feet.

So my Christian work

Will smell ever sweet.

Let not falling arch

Nor ankle aching,

Take away the starch

Of resolve making.

I pledge to thee all

Burdened feet can bear.

Make me ever tall,

Resistant to wear.

When all has been done

And I'm laid to rest.

Take me swiftly home

To receive the best.

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.