WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:
IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.
THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL. ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.
THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL. ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.
IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.
Friday 27th November – The Sacristy of St Mochaoi’s Church, Kilcathclyde 8.43am
St Mochaoi’s RC Church was the sister church of St Mochaomoc’s Metropolitan Cathedral. It was situated three miles to the north of the Cathedral and was built on the site of the first Catholic church in Kilcathclyde, St Hawmaw’s, originally thought to have been constructed in 1552.
St Hawmaw was the first of Kilcathclyde’s many martyrs and considered to be the most important owing to the particularly violent death he suffered. A graphic etching of his death scene was on permanent display at the local town hall.
St Hawmaw was the first of Kilcathclyde’s many martyrs and considered to be the most important owing to the particularly violent death he suffered. A graphic etching of his death scene was on permanent display at the local town hall.
St Mochaoi also housed St Hawmaw’s relics in a large glass case, surrounded by a state-of-the art security system and were also protected 24 hours a day by security guards, known as The Mochas.
The relics, which consisted of two toenails and a ball of ear wax, were considered to be highly valuable. This was due to the high percentage of cures which occurred amongst the thousands of sick pilgrims who visited the shrine each year.
The relics had been the subject of repeated burglary attempts by fanatical, left-wing, ex-communicated Catholic priests wishing to discredit the authenticity of St Hawmaw's powers of healing.
The relics, which consisted of two toenails and a ball of ear wax, were considered to be highly valuable. This was due to the high percentage of cures which occurred amongst the thousands of sick pilgrims who visited the shrine each year.
The relics had been the subject of repeated burglary attempts by fanatical, left-wing, ex-communicated Catholic priests wishing to discredit the authenticity of St Hawmaw's powers of healing.
St Mochaoi’s was used on special occasions when the Cathedral was not available. Like today, when it was being used by the Knights of the Holy Hairshirts for their annual Service of Cloak Re-lining.
Bishop Marco Black was in the sacristy, donning his robes for the ordinations. He was MC today, so decided to put a little rouge and a dab of lipgloss on. It was a little habit he had acquired after he won the Best Drag Queen Award at the Glitter! Glamour! Glasgow! show, performing as his alter ego, Big Fannie White.
He hummed his favourite tune while getting ready “I am what I am, what I am....” He licked his left index finger and smoothed down a stray eyebrow. “I really must get them waxed next time” he thought.
Suddenly the door to his office burst open and in marched a delegation from the militant women’s group, TWATT (Theological Women And The Truth).
“Bloody dykes” he muttered, adjusting his Spanx.
In stomped Emma, Prissy McLeod with her lover, Evangeline Gilligan with Sister Gertie bringing up the rear. He recognised them all from St Mochemoc’ Parish. He wasn’t afraid.
“They all need a good f**k.” He smirked. “I’ll do them all at once. From behind.”
But, standing sheepishly behind them, Bishop Black was surprised to see Archbishop Tartuffo. “The game’s up Marco” Tartuffo said glumly. “Unless we give them what they want, we’re sunk.”
“I’ll f****ing give them what they want alright” barked Bishop Black.
“No” whined Tartuffo. “It’s too late. We’ve been rumbled”.
©2010 Steven Gorman. All rights reserved.
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