The Retaliation. Episode 6 - Ouch!

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

Wednesday 26^th Nov – Hot’n’Hard Nightclub 8.22pm

Once inside, the five friends “mingled” with their usual friends, Candi Clitoria, Fifi Bulges and Jenny Jiggles in the Pouch Pad and enjoyed a particularly long session in the Smack Shed at the invitation of Big Buxom Bertha.

Ellis obviously enjoyed observation rather than participation as he spent all his time in the Pad and Shed wandering around touching his oversized glasses.

One hour later, Tartuffo was searching for Bishop McKivon. He was exhausted and smarting, his cheeks flushed from the pasting he had received at the hands of a particularly enthusiastic young lady called Fellatia, wearing a fetching peek-a-boo rubber catsuit.

McKivon was last seen signing up for a contest to find the wearer of the tiniest, tightest thong. 

“Ah, there you are!” said Tartuffo as McKivon stepped down from the catwalk and tottered unsteadily towards him.

“I’m beat! I need a lie-down.  And that Eurovision Thong Contest was fixed! I’m really pissed that I didn’t win.” McKivon whined.

“You’re just a sore loser” remonstrated Tartuffo, barely concealing his irritation.

“Too bloody right I’m sore. My erse is loupin’” retorted Kevin rubbing his ample posterior.

By this time Tartuffo needed a shot of caffeine so he headed towards the in-house coffee shop, Starbutts where he was joined by Ellis. Tartuffo thought he looked strangely familiar. He just couldn’t place him.

Something about Ellis disturbed him.  Why was he wearing large dark glasses when everyone else in the club was wearing the de rigeur black leather eye masks? Why was he carrying this month’s edition of Tartan Tims, a dissenting Catholic publication edited by Father Peter I.S.Toiler?

Tartuffo adjusted his leather lederhosen while he pondered on the mystery.  He only knew of one other person who subscribed to that particular magazine – and that was his good friend and trusted foot soldier, Emma.

Emma who had never let him down. Emma, to whom he owed such a huge debt of gratitude.  Emma, who gave him his rightful place in the Archdiocese.   

But he shook off his doubts and went back to the smackdown in the Rackroom.  Unknown to him, Ellis followed closely, all the while footering and fiddling with his glasses.

As the evening progressed, Tartuffo and McKivon got hotter and stickier and by the end of the evening, were forced to remove their eye masks. Ellis was obviously also uncomfortable as he immediately began to fiddle with his glasses.

Tartuffo adjusted his handcuffs so that he could apply some balm to McKivon’s thighs which were looking a little red and once again Ellis appeared to be having trouble with his glasses......

“Hey Kivvy” said Tartuffo wearily.” Think we should call it a night?”

“We have an early start tomorrow” Bishop Kevin confided in Ellis.

“Three new young priests are being ordained at St Mochaoi’s. We’re very excited. Three new, young priests to be whipped into shape, if you get my meaning!” He chortled loudly with a theatrical wink.

Tartuffo guffawed.  “I might offer them my Virginia’s services as a PA. At my age you don’t mind sharing.....!”

They thanked Buxom Bertha for her hospitality and told her how much they enjoyed her very “hands-on” approach to the evening and made their way out into the clear, frosty night.  As they waited for the archdiocesan limousine, Bishop McKivon suddenly realised that Ellis had disappeared.

 “Where’s Ellis?”  he said.  They both looked around. But Ellis had vanished into the cold night.  Lying in the gutter, fluttering in the breeze was a battered copy of St Muckymuck’s parish bulletin wrapped around a warm USB cable.......

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.