Episode 15: Codename: Mascara: Glitter, Glamour, Glasgow!

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

Friday, 8:00 pm

City Halls, Glasgow

William Rirey rifled through the script.  It was very basic – his job was to spruce it up as he saw fit.  The order of the individual acts was there.  The entire script would be projected onto the balcony wall via a long, Times Square style sign.  So as long as he had his glasses, there would be no problems, he sighed to himself.  He felt confident and calm when Jo rapped on his dressing room door.

“Hey, Will, are you ready?”

“Yes, Jo, I’m ready,” he replied, meekly.

“Five minute call,” she said.

“Right…five minutes!” he repeated.  Jo closed the door and not two seconds passed when there was a soft rap on the door and Rafa’s glowing face peered into the room.

“Hi, Willie,” he said, cheerfully.  His face shone, if possible, brighter as he entered the dressing room.

“Goodness, honey.  Your tie is crooked.”  Rafa straightened Rirey’s tie maternally.  “…Can’t take you anywhere…”

Rirey giggled nervously.  The way Rafa straightened his tie made him tingle to the very tips of his fingers.  It was an oddly satisfying feeling.  He longed to touch Rafa’s shamrock tattoo.

“OK!  Now, rub the tattoo,” said Rafa, correctly reading Rirey’s mind.

“How did you know…I…” asked Rirey, somewhat taken off-guard.

“Rafa always knows,” he said lifting his knee.  Rirey rubbed the tattoo for a very long time.  It soothed them both.  There was a moment where they stared at each other and they began to move together.  Suddenly, Rirey leaned in and the two of them kissed for an age.

There was a knock at the door and they broke apart.  “Places!” screamed Jo in her high pitched voice.

“Break a leg,” said Rafa.

“Thank you.  But don’t break yours,” said Rirey.

“Oh, no worries.  They’re as strong as ever!” said Rafa.  They both exited together and went different directions as Rirey went toward the stage.  Rirey made the Sign of the Cross, offered the evening up and was about to make his grand entrance when he got bumped into by Big Fannie White.  His glasses flew off and hit the stage floor at which point Black, dressed as White, accidentally planted a white stiletto pump on them, grinding the lenses into sand.

“Oh no!” said Rirey bending down to examine the now useless glasses.  His eyes then went to Black’s extremely hairy legs.  Even without his glasses there was no mistaking whose legs those were.  His eyes flew up to Black’s blurry but still obviously hairy face and he gasped.  “Monsignor Black?” he said, sotto voce.

***

Rirey stumbled out onto the stage.  His glasses lay smashed to smithereens in the wings of the stage.  If Glasgow wanted spruced up, that’s precisely what they were going to get.  Especially with no glasses to read the prompter attached to the balcony wall.

“Great glamorous greetings, Glasgow!” he shouted and the crowd went wild.  At long last, no captive audiences snoring their way through mass.  This was fantastic.

“A princess was flying in first class on Kilcathclyde Pacific Airways.  It was time for the plane to land and the flight attendant told the Princess to sit down and buckle up.  ‘You can’t tell me what to do!’ said the Princess.  ‘I am a princess!’  ‘Yeah?” said the flight attendant. ‘Well, I’m a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so sit down!”

The crowd roared with laughter.  The rest of the evening passed with enormous success.  Dandy Lion came out and sang “Over the Rainbow”, which had everyone, even Jo in tears.  Scarlett O’Hara came out and sang “Poor Wand’ring One” from The Pirates of Penzance.  Whore Moana sang “Someone to Watch Over Me”, which turned into a very elegant dance number before she reprised the song in a higher key.  Sis Pence came out and sang “The Lonely Goatherd” from The Sound of Music in falsetto in perfect imitation of Julie Andrews including the coloratura parts.  The crowd went wild and by the time she had finished, was singing along merrily.

Rirey announced there were two acts left.  Out came Big Fannie White.  Emma had obviously taught him a song: “My White Knight” from The Music Man.  It turned out that Monsignor Black had a fine tenor singing voice and one by one, the individual drag queens trickled out until they were so crowded in the wings that they eventually spilled out into the audience.  Even tough-as-nails stage manager Jo was hypnotized by Big Fannie’s grand voice.  Her glittery purple clipboard fell to the floor with an unheard clang as she watched the new drag sensation Big Fannie White bring down the house.

Moments later came the final act.  The reigning queen, Mys Tery, glided onstage accompanied by Sis Pence.  Mys Tery moved to the center and everything became absolutely quiet as a spotlight focused on her and the rest of the lights went to black.  The music began and a group of ten handsome male dancers dressed in black leotards surrounded her and then moved into position.  She sang, “Love, you didn’t do right by me…” and continued through the entire song precisely as Rosemary Clooney had done it in White Christmas.  When she finished, everyone was crying, even Rirey

Rirey moved onstage.  “Thank you, Your Majesty.  That was very moving.”  He wiped tears from his eyes.  “As the judges tally the scores for tonight’s Queen crowning our lovely ladies will serenade us one last time with a medley from Bye, Bye Birdie.  As Big Fannie White passed Mys Tery, the latter stuck out a high-heeled foot and unceremoniously tripped Black dressed as White to the stage floor.  “Oh…I’m so sorry, my dear,” she said, seething with anger.  “I have a terrible habit of bringing down the competition.”

The music started and Big Fannie White had to remain content with squinting at Mys Tery maliciously.  The girls sang “The Telephone Hour”, “Kids”, “Put on a Happy Face”, and then finished with “How Lovely to Be a Woman”.  This, too, brought down the house and there were a number of calls for bows, which happened to tumultuous applause.

At long last, Rirey emerged with a big shiny purple envelope.  The instant silence was deafening.  “And our gorgeous Glitter!  Glamour!!  Glasgow!!! Queen for 2010 is…”  The timpani began to roll.  “BIG FANNIE WHITE?” he said, clearly as a question.

The audience went crazy as Big Fannie White realized she’d won.  A bouquet of flowers came out which Mys Tery handed to Big Fannie White.  Then, she removed her crown and placed it begrudgingly on White’s head.

Rirey came over and stuttering said, “D…d…d…do you have anything to say?”

He moved to Big Fannie who said, meekly, “Shucks folks, I’m speechless.”  Everyone laughed.  There was more applause as the music came up and he moved offstage to the dressing rooms.  Everyone was congratulating her.

“Mys Tery has won this every year for years.”  “I can’t believe you won!”  “So happy for you, BF.  Just so happy!”

This followed Monsignor Black to the dressing room.  He had just had time to set down the enormous bouquet of flowers when Mys Tery swept into the room.  The two of them stared each other down as the crowd of queens surrounded them in a circle.  They walked around the queen-size wrestling ring – the tension between them positively palpable.

“For all your delicacy, Fannie, you’re nothing compared to me,” said Mys Tery, removing the gloves slowly.

“Face it, Tery.  You’re washed up.”

“You bizzum BITCH!”

And she launched herself on Big Fannie White.  Despite the near six inch difference in their heights, Big Fannie White was no match for Mys Tery.

The drag queens comprising the circle cheered them on.  “Headlock!”  “Bodyscissors!”  Mys Tery took Big Fannie White by the ears and dropped down to the floor.  The taller White flipped over onto her back, screaming.  Twisting over, White managed to get to her feet but Mys Tery was ready.  She flipped the White Queen onto her back a second time and cinched the headlock tighter.

They got to their feet, Big Fannie White pounding a fat forearm across Mys Tery’s back.  She fell to one knee – White sent a second arm across Mys Tery’s back – this time she fell completely prone onto the dressing room floor.  Big Fannie White rolled her opponent onto her back and did an elbow drop across her throat.  Her opponent lurched and it appeared the contest was over.  White held her down and said, “You’re finished, Mys Crabbi-Tery.  Face it!  1 – 2 –“

Mys Tery hitched up her skirt and wrapped her legs around White’s fat neck.  “Submit, Fannie.  You’re no match for me.”  Mys Tery poured on the pressure.  Big Fannie White howled as though having her head cut off.  “I give!  I give!” screamed White as the drag queens surrounding them continued to hoot and holler.

Mys Tery stood up.  “You may have won the battle, bitch, but I’LL win the war!”  As she put her foot on Tery’s chest and flexed her biceps, she didn’t notice that the crowd had grown completely silent.  Gradually, it dawned on her that her beautiful blonde wig that looked so much like Rosemary Clooney’s hair in White Christmas had come off.

“What?” she said.  “Why is everyone gaping at me?  Has my face gone green or something?”

At that precise moment Rirey, Rafa, Sis Pence, Jo, Emma, and Bishop Tartuffo came bursting into the dressing room.  “What’s going on in…?” shouted Jo.  But they, too, grew silent.  Their eyes became suddenly wide.

“What?” said Mys Tery, her face growing not green but red.  “WHAT?!”

Dandy Lion said quite audibly, “It’s Archbishop Biscotti.” 

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.