Codename: Mascara, Episode 11: Always the Comedian

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

5:50 pm

St Kevoc’s Cathedral, Teithmen

Fr. William Rirey invited his congregation to sit.

“I’ve got just one joke for you this evening,” said Rirey.  The congregation seemed to sink into the uncomfortable wooden pews which creaked loudly.

“A woman was brought before a judge to answer to charges of shoplifting.  It was time for them to receive their sentences.  And the judge said to the woman, ‘What did you steal?’ ‘Six cans of peaches,’ said the woman. ‘Then you shall receive the sentence of one month in jail for each peach,’ announced the judge.  ‘Your Honor,’ said a man in the gallery.  ‘And who are you?’ asked the judge.  ‘The woman’s husband,’ he replied.  ‘Well, what do you have to say?’ asked the judge.  ‘Did you know she also stole a can of peas?’”  Some of the congregation giggled obligingly, while others groaned audibly and then Rirey dismissed them.

After the recessional hymn, the organist entered the sacristy to put away some things.  “That was a good one, sir,” she said, laughing.  “I can’t wait to tell my Harold when I get home.  You tell jokes in such a funny way!”

“Thank you, Maude.  You know, I wanted to be a stand-up comic when I was in seminary.”

“Really, sir?  I can believe it.  You have incredible timing.”  The clock next to the crucifix in the sacristy clanged six o’clock.  “I heard that they were looking for emcees for the Pride Parade in Glasgow.”

“Really?” said Rirey, whirling around.  “Where at, Maude?”

“I’m not sure, exactly, but I heard it on Vatican Direct just this afternoon.  Perhaps you should tune it in.”

“I shall, Maude.  I shall indeed!”

Fifteen minutes later in the rectory, Fr. Rirey turned on the large, flat screen television.  “…Monday at 5:30 pm in the City Halls will be a cattle call audition for emcee for this year’s exciting drag show entitled Glitter!  Glamour!!  Glasgow!!!  Come one!  Come all!  No experience needed. Bring a song and the desire to have fun!!”

Rirey punched the air.  “This could be my big break!”  He whooped loudly as the next commercial came on.  Accompanied by the most divine chant sung by the papal choir came the announcement, “Vatican Direct.  Television with a higher purpose.  We want every Catholic in the West of Scotland to get VD!”

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.