Episode 666: The Implantation

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

Overdale East Parish Church,

Sunday, October 31, 9:00 AM

The next morning Myra approached Emily/Odious very slowly.  Emily, both Spirit and Flesh, was floating in midair  about a foot or so off the flagstone floor in the giant dungeon kitchen of Overdale East United Frieze Church clothed a white flannel nightgown.  Her eyes were closed, her hair was standing on end all frizzy and tangled, and her hands floated outstretched. 

Myra Dick, Priestess of the United Coven of the Witches of Overdale East and who bore a remarkable resemblance to the Wicked Witch of the West, gave the orders to her two coven cohorts.  "The Implantation has matured.  Our task now is to deliver Emily to the cathedral in time for mass.  Are you ready, my sisters, to begin this journey?"

"Yes, sister," they responded.

"Excellent.  I will awaken her and we will prepare her for transportation.  It won't be difficult.  We simply drive by the church and release her.  She will do all the work for us,"  Myra said.  She turned toward Emily and approached slowly.  "Odi???  Odi....?  Wake up.  Rise and shine.  Odi???"  Very slowly, Emily raised her head, her eyes wide, the pupils illuminated red.  "Put the sack around her, Brenda.  Just pull her behind you, she'll come with no problem."

With that, the three witches, their shrouded captive floating behind, went up the spiral staircase to the church and then into the van.  Then they sped off toward the cathedral.  "That was amazing," said Senga as they sat at a traffic light, a shrouded Emily seated quite peacefully with her seat belt on next to Brenda in the back.  "No one saw us at all."

"They wouldn't.  The Halloween Pumpkin Hunt and Pancake Breakfast is going on in the parish hall," said Myra.  "They're all busy looking for hidden pumpkins."  There was a pause and she cackled like a witch.  "But they won't find any."

"Why not?" asked Senga and Brenda together.

"They're all in the back of this van!" said Myra and when she began cackling loudly, the others joined in.  About 30 minutes later they came to the traffic lights nearest the cathedral on Scarlettfriars Street.  "Pull up in front of the cathedral for the final release."  Senga pulled the van directly in front of the church.  Brenda got out and opened the door and Emily/Odious came floating out still shrouded.  Myra removed the sack.  "Now, give her a gentle push."  Brenda gently pushed on Emily's back and she floated toward the door bobbing up and down very slightly.  "Goodbye, my Sweet Odious."

Emily's head spun completely around.  "Goodbye my Beautiful Wickedness."  Emily then blew a kiss to Myra.

"Bye, bye Odi..." she blew a kiss back.

"Bye, bye my My," he said.  "Last night was absolutely fantastic."

Myra Dick blushed.  "Oh, Odi, you're so sweet.  Flattery will get you everywhere!  Off you go!"

As the van sped off, Emily/Odious floated into the vestibule and then down the center aisle toward the choir area.  She passed Fr. Gabriel, "Good morning, Emily.  Nice morning, isn't it?"

"How's it hangin' Gabby!" quipped Emily in a gravely voice quite unlike her own.

Fr. Gabriel looked taken aback.  He went to Shug, who was preparing to warm up the choir.  "Something's troubling Emily.  She's different but I can't quite put my finger on what it is."

Shug turned and looked at her just as Chris came bouncing in.  "Good morning, maestro!  Father!" he said in a sing-song voice.  "Like the new do, Emily!"

Emily's head turned slowly toward Chris.  "Thanks, mate, I wouldn't mind doin' you, myself."  She wolf whistled and winked her red eye.

Chris turned toward Fr. Gabriel and Shug.  "I get that all the time," he said, thumbing back toward Emily.  "I've grown quite used to it."

Shug approached Emily, who was bobbing up and down slowly on the spot.  "Emily," said Shug.  "Are you feeling all right?"

Without looking at Shug she said, "Ooooooooooo yeaaaaaaaaaaaah!" in a long, low voice.  From seemingly nowhere came "Chicka chickhaaaaaaaaa......"

Shug shrugged the mysterious behavior off and then told Chris to warm up the group.  "OK, everyone.  Here we go...I'm not a pheasant plucker...I'm a pheasant plucker's mate..."

The group joined in.  Grace Kelly Perth leaned over to Emily and said, "Good morning, Em.  I like your outfit.  It looks lovely and warm."

In a gravelly voice, Emily snapped back once again without looking at Grace.  "Yeah, well that tent of a dress you have on makes you look like a hippo, Gracie.  And oh, by the way, you've got a face that could scare a dog off a meat wagon."

Grace turned to Bonnie Belle Baxter on her other side and whispered, "I don't think Emily's feeling to well today.  She's not herself."

Bebe looked over.  "I heard there's a nasty virus going around.  Everyone has it.  I think I'm coming down with it myself."

"Oh, what virus is that?" asked Grace.

"I saw it on Vatican Direct News last night.  It's called Devil's Flu.  It's a throat virus.  You lose your voice and it makes you delirious."  They both turned to look at Emily to see if she showed any signs of the illness.

"Ladies, pay attention please!" said Shug.  They turned back.

Mass started and after the first reading, Emily floated up to the ambo to do the responsorial psalm.  Chris gave the introduction on the organ and from the ambo in a very gravelly singing voice came:

There was a young bishop called Bob.

Who had an extremely large knob.

He met a sweet nun.

Who liked his big gun.

Upon it she wished she could slob.

There was such a pregnant pause that it must have been carrying twins.  Everyone in the church stared, jaws dropped.  Even the lovable old drunk who sat in the back by the confessional booths and usually snored loudly through mass was wide awake.  It was like deer in the headlights of an oncoming car.  Everyone was paralyzed waiting to see what the cantor would sing next.  That is all except Chris, who was frantically writing down a new warm up for the choir.

She took a deep breath and plowed on:

There was a young nun from Dundittie

Endowed with really big...

The congregation and choir began to mutter loudly.  "What do we do?"  "What's wrong with Emily?"  "Wherever did she get that dress?  It's lovely!"  Shug ran up to the ambo and covered the microphone and pushed the floating possessed Emily aside.  Fr. Gabriel flew to her other side in a swirl of green vestments.  "What do we do with her?" he said to Shug behind Emily's back.

"I've seen this before.  It happens at home all the time.  There has to be an intervention."

"Intervention?  What do you mean?" said Fr. Gabriel as Emily tried to free herself from his and Shug's grip.

"I mean she's possessed by an evil spirit.  We've got to intervene.  There's no other way, sir."  Everyone stopped muttering and chattering just as Shug said so loudly that it echoed off the cathedral walls a hundred times.  "We've GOT to perform an EXORCISM!"

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.