Codename: Mascara, Part 5

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

Wednesday: 9:15 AM.

Archdiocesan Office Building

A MacIntosh Radiator Repair truck pulled up in front of the Kilcathclyde Archdiocesan building.  Emma had on a grey overall uniform today, sporting her usual special specs.  This time, the envelope for delivery was white and quite a bit larger than the one delivered on Monday.  She emerged from the truck and was met by precisely the same police officer as earlier in the week.

An identification badge from MacIntosh proved to placate the police officer and Emma crossed Scarlett Friars Street into the office building.  A quick check in with the masculine security guard and Emma was on the third floor, making her way down the Archbishop’s office corridor.  Upon reaching Stacy Leach’s desk, Emma learned that the Archbishop was having his hair done at Esmerelda Pickford’s hair salon.  Stacy informed Emma of the problem with the Archbishop’s singing radiator and was left alone in the office before she could finish saying, “Goodbye.”

She approached the radiator that was banging and whistling under a large stained glass window of the Archbishop in his office and reached in her toolbox to retrieve a crescent wrench.  As she began to work with the valve, she pulled with great force and leaned back against a light switch on the paneled wall behind her.  There was a loud rumble and the entire wall rotated.  Behind it was a rather large alcove with three mirrors in it that were obviously attached to the other side of the rotating bit of wall.

“And what do we have here?”  The floor in front of the three mirrors was covered with a high pile, white carpet along with a beautiful mahogany vanity against the opposite wall itself sporting a large shell-shaped mirror.  Emma moved in front of the mirrors – the one in the middle faced her directly while the two on the sides were somewhat angled.  On a tall wooden hat stand hung a burgundy and gold silk happy coat with letters on the back of it that Emma couldn’t read.  Next to the hat stand was an enormous antique cuckoo clock that had a large grape leaf pendulum swaying cheerfully to and fro.  Emma began snapping photographs at once.  She stepped out of the alcove and onto something which she heard crunch under her foot.

Peering down she picked up a brush, which had broken.  On the back of it was the initials “M T” in an elegant Parisian script.  She quickly photographed it and then produced a bottle of epoxy glue from her toolbox.  With surgical precision, she repaired the brush using her special reading glasses and then carefully searched the alcove to find where it belonged.

On the vanity was an oval mirror on which sat a comb that matched the design of the brush handle and the mirror gilding.  She replaced the repaired brush and began examining the vanity.  A small round jar contained hair pins and matched the mirror, brush, and comb, including being etched with “M T.”  Emma quickly snapped a photo.

Diagonally from this was a number of interesting looking bottles.  One was tall and black and had a stopper in it.  Emma wondered aloud, “Hmm…that looks exactly like the bottle on I Dream of Jeannie.”  She removed the stopper and peered inside but saw nothing.  She returned the bottle carefully staging it as she had found it.

The next two bottles matched.  One had what looked like burgundy bath beads in it – a quick sniff after removing the lid proved Emma’s razor sharp powers of observation correct.  She moved over the matching bottle noticing the opalescent gold bath beads in it to a small, burgundy bottle with a gold stopper.  She picked it up and again wondered aloud, “What is this doing here?”

She removed the stopper and took a deep breath.  “My God…Paisley Chantilly.”  She relished the scent.  “Sweet Jesus…” sniff “…Mary…” sniff “…and Joseph…” final sniff  “…What is this doing here?”  The singing radiator brought her out of her reverie.  She took a photo of the vanity and was about to return to the main part of the office when she noticed a small burgundy toggle switch that was attached to the vanity itself.  “What is that?”

Her curiosity got the better of her and she flipped the switch.  All of the sudden a CD player appeared when the right drawer of the vanity whirred open and Emma heard:

I’m a girl and by me that’s only great.

I am proud that my silhouette is curvy.

That I walk with a sweet and girlish gait,

With my lips kind of …

She flipped the toggle switch and the whole thing returned to its original, silent position.

She dashed across the room and pushed the light switch on the wall adjacent to the singing radiator and watched as the whole thing rotated back into place and concealed itself neatly behind the beautiful dark wooden-paneled wall.

She quickly repaired the radiator humming softly, “…swively and swervy…I adore being dressed in something frilly…When my date comes to get me at my place…”  She put the large envelope in one of the drawers on the right side of the Archbishop’s desk and then began taking photographs of the paneled wall all the while singing to herself, “…Out I go with my Joe or John or Billy…Like a Philly who is ready for the race…”

She produced her mobile phone and dialed with her black leather gloved finger.  “Lipstick…this is Mascara…we must talk again soon.  We need to arrange a rendezvous.  I found something very interesting to show you…Yes, I will email the photos I took as soon as we hang up…Yes…Oh yes, Phase Two is complete.”

She hung up the phone and produced a USB cable from her toolbox.  She removed her glasses, plugged one end of the cable into a port on the earpiece and the other into her mobile phone.  All this she did while singing to herself, “…When I have a brand new hairdo…With my eyelashes all in curl…”  She pressed the diamond-like button on the hinge of her glasses and within seconds a soft beep was heard.  “Excellent,” she said to herself, putting on her glasses.

She crossed the office and opening the door made a swift scan of the room to make sure all was in place.

“Is it all fixed?” asked Stacy.

“Yes, sir,” said Emma, smiling wickedly.  “It was a most productive morning.”

“Excellent!” came the reply.  “That radiator’s been driving His Grace crazy for weeks and weeks.  He’ll sleep more soundly knowing it’s repaired.”

“So will I, Mr. Leach.  So will I.”  She proceeded down the corridor singing quite audibly, “I enjoy being a girl.”

©2010 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.