St Muckymuck, Season 2: Prayer Service Preciousness

“And we’re back,” said Kenny McKiltie.  The camera was focused on an altar that had been set up at the front of a crowded seating area on two sides of a central aisle.  Shug Grant went to a lectern.  “Good afternoon and welcome to this most special of services.  We invite you to stand and turn to page 3152 in your hymnals, ‘In the words of the Great Saint.’”  The congregation all stood and accompanied by the cathedral choir and their accompanist, Christopher Smith. 

Kenny McKiltie continued his reporting.  “The entrance procession has begun, which includes twelve penguins, Fr. Erick Griffiths, the Parochial Vicar for the cathedral, and Fr. Gabriel Byrne, who we mentioned earlier is the rector of the cathedral.”  Everyone was approaching the altar, the penguins were at their seats, when there came a loud, unmistakable bellow.

Shug gasped,  grabbed his mobile phone and began to type, frantically:

                Hey, Tatjana, I think I may have found one of your cows.

People in the congregation turned and began to laugh.  Sure enough, there was a cow making her way slowly down the central aisle.  Fr. Erick turned and went toward her.  “Shoo…go on…shoo!”  He began waving his arms madly in an attempt to get the obviously lost bovine to run along.  But, all he did was spook her.

“We seem to have an emergency here,” said Kenny McKiltie.  “A white and black stray cow has decided to come to the service.  She apparently has a beef with the way it’s been organized.  Oh my GOD!” he shouted in horror.  “She’s…she’s…now she’s…” he was unable to complete a sentence.  “She’s gone back…now she’s going…oh dear…this is horrible!  Now she’s…oooooooooh…that had to hurt!”

She bellowed and then began to circle around, kicking madly, knocking congregants into their neighbors.  Some people began screaming, which only succeeded in frightening the animal into further panic.  She ran up and down the aisle.  Fr. Erick seemed hell-bent on getting the cow to run off.  He continued to chase her, his vestments flapping as he moved, while the cow kicked and bucked.  Two parishioners went over the railing into the river with a splash, as the animal flailed around.

She bumped the covered statue of St. Mocheomoc.  The purple veil slipped off revealing Fr. Eamonn’s reparation to the broken little stony penguin, Percival.  He had glued it on backward so that it now mooned the congregation.  Some shrieked at the sight of it but a kick from the spinning, bawling cow sent the statue wobbling and rocking.  The thumb, index finger, ring finger, and pinky of the Great Saint’s left hand all fell off, smashing to bits on the pavement, leaving one remaining digit.

“The poor dear has now apparently flipped off…I mean…flipped out.  It’ absolute pandemonium here.  And now Fr. Eric has gone running toward the cathedral house.  AND the cow is following him!  Oh, this prayer service won’t be forgotten anytime soon.  And it never even got started!”(c) 2012. Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.

ST MUCKYMUCK

Season 2

WRITTEN BY STEVEN GORMAN

WHAT YOU READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL. ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.