St Muckymuck, Season 2: St Mocheomoc Feast Day Prayer Service

“This is Kenny McKiltie coming to you live from the scene of the St Mocheomoc Feast Day celebrations.  I’m at the River Cathclyde just in front of the Great Saint’s cathedral.  We’ve got a lovely day here.  The sun is shining yet again, something virtually unheard of here in the west of Scotland.”  He chuckled.  “The prayer service is set to begin at 4:32, Kilcathclyde Daylight Time.  What we are going to see and hear today are some scripture readings, a number of appropriate hymns led by the cathedral choir, then a homily from the rector of the cathedral, Fr. Gabriel Byrne.  

“Fr. Byrne has been in his current position of eleven years now after serving not one but two terms at the prestigious Scarlettfriars Seminary in Rome.  He is 56 years of age.  All this is brought to you courtesy of Vatican Direct TV.  We want everyone in the west of Scotland to get VD!”  He paused.  His ears wiggled as he suppressed the giggles.  “Really, someone should talk to whoever is in charge of their marketing.”  He went silent and placed a hand over his left ear.  Clearly, he was receiving directions from someone.

“I am told the Prayer Service will begin at 4:35 due to an allergic reaction by Fr. Eric Griffiths to the penguins that are bringing forward a special medallion to be placed in the cathedral reliquary.  We have time for a quick break before the service.  We’ll be right back.”

The screen went black.

A short, squat, rosy-faced nun appeared holding an extremely long set of rosary beads.  “Hello there!” said the nun in a sing-song voice.  

 An unseen crowd of people hollered back, “Hello, Sister!”

“I’m Sr. Rosario Ortega…why don’t you do what many other Kilcathclydians have done and come visit my shop: Rosario’s Outrageous Rosaries.”

“OK!” answered the invisible lot.

“I’ve got all sorts of special rosaries for any and all occasions.  We’ve got…”

(A piano rolled an introductory chord.  She broke into song:)

Red ones, blue ones, some are pink.

Fat ones, thin ones, those that blink.

Some are long.

Some are short.

Even special ones for torte!

So come on down, yes come now…

(The crowd:)  Sister, won’t you take a bow??

“Not yet,” she said.  And she began a lilting soft shoe dance.  She twirled and swirled, moving all over the stage in a lively choreography that made her brown and white habit whirl.  Then she tapped the crucifix on the end of the rosary.  The entire strand began to light up in spectacular bright colors, changing with the music.

But that wasn’t all.  She took the rosary beads and began intertwining and manipulating them with her fingers.  The colors flashed and flared as she worked the string.  As the finale to the song approached the chorus broke in:

So, come on down, yes come now.

Sister won’t you take a bow!

And she landed on genuflected knee with her hands outstretched, the glowing prayer beads forming a Jacob’s Ladder across  her hands, the outer strands green, the next ones in purple, the next a deep burgundy, and the crisscrossed ones that formed the rungs on the “ladder,” a light blue.

There was rapturous applause as Sr. Rosario’s shop address flashed on the screen each letter a matching one to the colors in the strand of beads she had crocheted on her fingers.

The screen went black.  (c) 2012. Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.

ST MUCKYMUCK

Season 2

WRITTEN BY STEVEN GORMAN

WHAT YOU READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL. ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.