St Muckymuck - Episode 42 - Pppp...pppick up a Penguin

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

Episode 42  St Pulcharius Seminary – The Presbetery 8.24pm

“So,” continued Father Gabriel, sipping his tea. “She was having an affair with the Bishop who had just broken things off with his boyfriend......”

“Gabriel.” Eamonn’s tone was firm. “Where did you hear this?”

“In the confessional...” replied Gabriel, “and then when the baby was born, it had two....”

“I thought we’d decided you weren’t going to do that anymore” Eamonn interrupted.  ”No more breaking the seal of the confessional.”

Gabriel blushed. “I know.” he said.  “But I can’t help it.....it’s the only part of priest school I failed.”

Eamonn stared at him, wearing his favourite hangdog expression, which was at curious odds with the green knitted bobble hat that he was wearing. It was gaily festooned with happy yellow smiley faces round the rim. “It’s a gift from Nettie” Gabriel had said when he handed it to him.

“I hate cats” Eamonn had growled, ungraciously pulling on the hat.

“So” he continued. “How are our plans for the St Mochemoc feast fete coming along? I hope you’re not planning anything involving too much fun....you know I don’t like having fun Gabriel”.  The bobble on his hat was bouncing around furiously as he shook his finger at Gabriel.

“Well, now that Eric’s back from wherever he was.....by the way, do you know he wears....” began Gabriel.

“NAW!” interrupted Eamonn, raising his left hand to prevent him making further revelations.

Gabriel looked sheepish. “Sorry Eamonn.” He cleared his throat. “Yes, Father Eric is planning to import four penguins as part of our celebrations.”

“Penguins?” Eamonn looked puzzled.

“Yes, penguins.” said Gabriel. “St Mocheomoc is the patron saint of penguins – surely you knew that? But we don’t want to place too much emphasis on that.”

“Oh right” said Eamonn sourly. “What else?”

“Archbishop Biscotti is going to referee a soccer game between Kilcathclyde Keltic and Brazil, dressed in a penguin suit” said Gabriel proudly.

“Why?” frowned Eamonn, perplexed.

“The choir are having a sponsored sing....” continued Gabriel, perusing his notes.

“I hate choirs” stated Eamonn.

“But we have an excellent Music Director, Shug Grant.  He’s American.” said Gabriel.

“I hate Americans” said Eamonn, shrugging his shoulders.

Gabriel looked forlornly at his list of events, hoping for something that would impress Eamonn.

“The Mochelonian Society are going to walk from Mocheomoc’s birthplace, Hodrumoch in the Highlands to the Cathedral, carrying the relics of his relics, dressed as penguins. It’ll take them 94 days.” he said hopefully.

A sneer passed over Eamonn’s lips.

Gabriel gulped.

“You’ll have to come up with something better than that.” said Eamonn.

Gabriel was getting desperate.

“Errr...the choristers of Chris Smith’s One Note Choir are planning a sponsored relay race through the streets of Kilcathclyde. But instead of passing a baton to each other, they’ll pass a penguin.”  

Eamonn closed his eyes and shook his head forlornly.

“An exhibition of paintings and sculptures depicting Mocheomoc’s life at the Kilcathclyde School of Pretentiousness.....”

Eamonn brightened slightly. “Now that sounds more like it.  What’s in the exhibition?”

“Mostly pictures of penguins, drawn by the children of St Moggies infants’ class....”

Eamonn groaned.

“No more penguins Gabriel.  Do you hear? No. More. Penguins.”

The two priests stared silently at each other for a moment.

“Penguin rosaries?” Gabriel smiled wanly.

Father Eamonn got up. He moved swiftly to the door and opened it.

“Go.” he said, holding the door open for Gabriel.

“No, wait....” said Gabriel feeling slightly panicky. “Juggling penguins.”

“Get out” Father Eamonn opened the door wider.

“Synchronised swimming....for penguins...?”

Eamonn raised his left eyebrow.

“Ballet dancing penguins – Penguin Lake! Ouch!”  The door hit Gabriel on the bottom as it slammed behind him.

©2011 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.