St Muckymuck - Episode 38 - Back In The Hood

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

St Mocheomoc Church Hall - Thursday 8th March 6.16pm

The choir were gathering at the hall for choir practice.  Ina had awoken from her state of hibernation and was back in her self-appointed position as the conductor of the choir.

She was more soberly dressed than usual, having overcome her sex addiction with the help of some intense aversion therapy.

Unfortunately her mood and foul temper had not improved and several members of the choir had felt the sharp end of her tongue tonight already. Ina stood at the front of the hall, glowering at everyone, especially Shug.

“Right folks – gather round!” Chris’ voice boomed and resonated throughout the church hall.

“Warm-up time!”

Everyone dropped their tea and coffee cups and dashed excitedly to their chairs, expertly laid out by Sister Gertie who’d been at the hall since 2.33pm that afternoon, experimenting with different seating plans.

“Jenny juggles jellies

Jiggles jamjars ooh!

When Jenny’s jellies juggle

Her jugs jiggle too”

“Right” interrupted Shug after 45 minutes of warm-ups. “Take out your “Hymns Old, New and Never” and turn to hymn number 987a, “Jesus Was Quite a Nice Chap With a Lovely Beard”.

The choir murmured their approval. It was one of their favourites.

“Please notice how this hymn alternates between simple and compound time.” continued Shug. “It also changes key eight times within its fourteen verses. It has parallel octaves within the contrapuntal accompaniment and is both an ostinato and a canon.  The technical term to describe this hymn is Quasi Spazzatura.  We shall sing it  to the tune of The Old 100^th.”

The choir stared at Shug, puzzled.  They blinked.

Ina looked at Shug askance. She was sure he was making those terms up just to sound knowledgable.

“For chrissakes Shug....get on with it!” she barked, exasperated.

Shug raised his left hand, preparing to conduct. The choir began to sing.

“Jesus was quite a nice chaaaaappppp

And he had a lovely beeaaarrddd.

He often used to visit the siiiiicckkk

And when he left, they were visibly cheeeered.”

“Jesus had a very nice muuuummm...

She wouldn’t let him be a buuuumm

She taught him to behave himseeeelf

Just like a charming, cute wee eeeelf.

Yes! Jesus was quite a nice chap”

Before the choir could sing the next line there was a loud bang as the heavy wooden entrance doors to the hall slammed open against the artexed walls of the hall.

The crackling of voices on radios could be heard as everyone turned round to see what the noise was.

Two tall, muscly security guards, both sporting reflective sunglasses and wearing earpieces stood side by side, arms folded over their broad chests as smoke blew in through the open doors from the dark, foggy night. The one on the left was called Julian and the one on the right was called Hilary.

Emerging from the smoke was a slim, short woman, dressed in a beautiful sapphire coloured, shimmering evening gown.  Her glossy black hair was piled artistically on top of her head, perfectly framing her tanned, even featured face which was professionally made up, her lips a scarlet slash revealing gleaming, straight, pearly white teeth.

She paused, waiting to ensure everyone in the room was looking at her, then threw her arms theatrically in the air, parted her glossed lips and cried musically “I’M BAAACCKKK!”  Her white ermine wrap fell dramatically from her shoulders, revealing an artificially high, pert bosom, enclosed within the fitted, glamorous dress.

“I don’t believe it!” exclaimed Shug. “It’s Mia! My close, good friend, Mia Kwan Malone!” he gushed. He ran to her, arms wide anticipating a warm embrace from his fellow Oregonian.

Momentarily panic-stricken, Mia turned to Julian, hissing “who’s the gayboy....??”

“Shug” he mouthed.

“Wha.....”

“Chug Darling!” Mia pretended to embrace Shug then pushed him away and turned away from his kiss. “Don’t smudge my lippie!” she growled at him.

Shug looked crestfallen.

“Have you kept my usual seat at the front for me sweetie?” she cooed at Sister Gertie. She walked down the full length of the hall, waving regally at Emily, Bonnie Belle, Felicity and Grace who curtsied in tandem as she passed them.

Mia who was still waving and smiling at the choristers didn’t see Ina standing at the front of the hall, hands on hips, her equally impressive bosom pushed out in front of her.

Mia turned to take her seat, and was surprised to find herself nose to nose, bosom to bosom, stiletto to stiletto with Ina.

“Ina!” exclaimed Mia. “Why, aren’t you looking well......for a woman of 65!” she muttered under her breath.

“Do I know you?” drawled Ina.

“Ina, it’s me – Mia – your old friend and sparring partner” Mia giggled, giving Ina a playful push on the shoulder.

“Mia?” said Ina with mock incredulity. “Is that you underneath all that botox? Isn’t it marvellous what they can do nowadays.....you look so.....young! Not a day under 59!”

Mia stared at Ina, outraged, although her unmoveable visage belied her anger.

“BITCH!” she growled.....

“Ladies, ladies” Chris the organist stepped in between the two women. “Come along now....be frien......Ooohhhh!” he exclaimed, feeling a hand squeeze his bottom. He looked from Ina to Mia, back to Ina, unsure who the culprit was.

Shug slapped his left hand over his eyes......."Please Lord, no......not again.....”

Mia smiled sweetly. It was the only expression she had.

©2011 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.