St Muckymuck - Episode 41 - Scardey Cats

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

Thursday 15^th March 7.38pm  Outside the church house

Fr Eric leaned against the door of the church house. He was manfully smoking a large cigar, a new habit he had acquired since his recent return to Kilcathclyde.  He smiled indulgently as he looked down at his feet where his two faithful friends, Nettie and Chi-Chi sat.  All three looked up at the clear night sky, drinking in the full moon which was bathing all of Kilcathclyde in a pale light.

Right above where they stood, a single dazzlingly bright star burst into thousands of tiny twinkles which rained down over the three of them. Father Eric broke into a deep, throaty, masculine laugh as he raised his left hand and waved in the direction of a multi-coloured flashing light, streaking across the inky Kilcathclyde sky. Nettie and Chi-Chi ran round Eric’s muscly legs, bumping into each other with excitement.

The three friends could see something no-one else could. Something special. Something extra terrestrial.

Outside the church hall - 7.41pm

Meanwhile, Shug and Ina were strolling down the pathway towards the church hall, speculating as to what had happened to Bandit and Ginger when they saw the choir who had gathered outside the church hall.  They were talking animatedly amongst themselves and pacing anxiously outside the door.

“Do you hear that?” said Bob.

“What can it be?” ventured Emily nervously.

“It’s a ghost.” said Bebe firmly.

“No it’s aliens” said Sister Gertie.

“Don’t be daft” retorted Gladys. “Aliens? In Kilcathclyde? That would never happen!”

“What’s going on here?” interrupted Shug.

Everyone began to talk at once.

“Shhh....Listen!!” hissed Mike, hushing everyone. Shug and Ina pressed their ears to the door.  A scratching, scrabbling noise could be heard from behind the door, followed by a low growl.....

Shug and Ina leapt back from the door in terror.

“I don’t like the sound of that.” said Shug nervously. “Back in Oregon, we have a saying....never open a church hall door without a Mexican in front of you....”

At that moment Father Gabriel appeared. In his hands, he had a pack of stale hot cross buns which he handed to Gladys for the choir’s tea break.

“What’s up?” he asked.

“Dunno” said Shug, “There’s some really weird noises coming from the hall....scratching, scraping, growling”

“Oh” said Father Gabriel, matter-of-factly. “It’s sounds like Jimmy Jamieson could be in there. He’s on the run from the police.  He’s wanted for armed robbery. He held up a bank.”

A deathly hush fell over the choir, as they stared open-mouthed at Fr Gabriel.

Gabriel blinked, gulped and stared back at the choir.

“Jimmy Jamieson?” said Billy Burt incredulously. “The deacon from St Brockets? He robbed a bank?”

“That’s a terrible thing to say Billy Burt.” Gabriel said, nervously pointing at the elderly chorister. “You really shouldn’t be telling tales.....”

“Whaaaa...I never said a word.....it was you!” spluttered Billy Burt.

“It’s alright.” said Gabriel, piously, bowing his head. “We forgive you....but you really shouldn’t be spreading rumours” he said sanctimoniously.

Billy Burt was stung. “Just a minute Father....I didn’t....you...”

“Gotta go!” said Father Gabriel cheerfully, blessing the choir.  He hurried off in the direction of the chapel house. “I really must stop doing that...” he murmured to himself.....

He bumped into Father Eric, who was on his way to the church hall.

“Is there some kind of trouble over at the hall Gabriel?” boomed Father Eric.

“Yes...” said Gabriel absent-mindedly. “The choir are hearing things.....ghosts, ghoulies, aliens in the hall.  They're are scared to go inside. I’m off. I’m meeting Father Eamonn at St Pulcharious at 8pm. We have to discuss the forthcoming St Mocheomoc celebrations.”

“I’ll sort it.” said Eric firmly. “Come on Nettie, Chi-Chi.”

Eric reached into his pocket. “Oh, by the way, Nettie knitted this for Father Eamonn” said Eric, handing Gabriel a green knitted bobble hat. It had yellow smiley faces crotcheted all around the rim.  Father Eamonn was notoriously bad tempered, so the little kitten thought it might cheer him up and make him smile a bit more.  What Nettie didn’t know was that Father Eamonn hadn’t cracked a smile since 1983.

Gabriel looked at the hat and shook his head as he approached his top-of-the-range Lexus coupe. Meanwhile, Eric strode purposefully towards the hall, Chi-Chi and Nettie trotting beside him.

“Now, now what’s all this?” he bellowed as he approached the choir, who were nervously trying to concentrate on the vocal warm up Chris had just taught them.

“The church hall’s haunted by a huge hairy halfwit

 who’s hung like a humungous horse called Hugh.....”

“Let’s just see what’s in the hall, hmmmm? No need to worry....” soothed Eric as he turned the large round brass handle and opened the enormous wooden door.

Chi-Chi and Nettie galloped inside as Eric turned on the lights.

“Nope, no-one’s here!” cried Eric cheerfully. “In you go!” he herded the choir in. “Nothing to be afraid of....”

“Come on you two!” he called to Nettie and Chi-Chi.  “Time for supper!”

Nettie and Chi-Chi were gazing fixedly at the wood panelling which adorned the wall on the far side of the hall.  There was a small hole at the bottom of the last panel which the kitten and the little dog stared at, transfixed.

Nettie reached into Chi-Chi’s knitted bag which he always carried round his neck and pulled out a crotcheted blanket measuring 5ft x 4ft which she proceeded to stuff into the hole.

Everyone laughed at the antics of the little knitting kitten. In fact, they were laughing so hard that no-one noticed the blanket being pulled into the hole from the inside......

©2011 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.