Episode 39: Bandit: A History

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.  ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.  

IN FACT, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYTHING AT ALL WILL BE REMARKABLY COINCIDENTAL.

Monday afternoon

Kilcathclyde Cat Cotillion Veterinary Hospital

As the two cats took in the afternoon sun in vet’s solarium following their routine examinations, they discussed their pasts.  It was now Bandit’s turn.

“What about your life?” continued Ginger.

“Well, I was born in a town in the San Francisco Bay Area called Antioch,” said Bandit.

“That’s where that girl was held hostage in some guy’s backyard for eighteen years, innit?” asked Ginger.  

Bandit rolled his large and luminescent green eyes.  “Yes, it is and it’s a shame that’s what it’s known for.  Antioch’s actually very old…”  Ginger threw his head back and laughed so loudly and for so long that Bandit looked annoyed with him.

“What?” he asked, bristling.

“Old?  Something in America?  OLD?”  Ginger laughed again.  Soon, he began to cough.  “I’ve got to stop smoking…” he said, laughing still while coughing.

“Yes, you should!” said Bandit moving behind Ginger and patting him on the back.  Ginger’s cough eased.

“Go on,” said Ginger.

“Where was I?” he paused thinking.  “Oh yes…Antioch…old…” Ginger began to giggle.

“OK – old for California!  Antioch’s one of the oldest towns in Contra Costa County, I’ll have you know!”

“Yeah, right!” said Ginger, coughing once.

“Anyway, I was born in the East County Animal Shelter and Hospital on September 11.”

Ginger’s eyes widened.  “Oooooh!”

“Yes!” replied Bandit, nodding.  “I am a 9/11 baby.”

“That was a dreadful day.  Dreadful day.  Terrible what happened,” said Ginger.  Both cats bowed their heads for a moment then made the Sign of the Cross, in all seriousness and respect.

“I was the youngest of three boys.  My Mother died giving birth to me because I was a breech kitten.”

Ginger’s eyes rounded.  “Oh, that’s so sad.”

“I was adopted by an elderly woman in Antioch by the name of Hortence Prater.”

“Whoa!” said ginger.  “What a name!”  They both laughed.  “Almost as bad as Senga…”

“Yeah,” said Bandit, patting Ginger on the back as he began to cough.

“Or Myra!” they chorused together, positively howling.

“When Hortence died,” said Bandit when they had stopped laughing.  “I went to live with her niece, Evelyn.  She was nice enough but she was a very severe alcoholic and a smoker and never fed me.”

“How did you eat, then?”

“I figured out how to open the food cans using the electric can opener.”

“Well done, you, clever boy!” said Ginger needling Bandit in the ribs.

“Thank you,” said Bandit, meekly.  “One night, Evelyn passed out from drinking with a cigarette in her hand.  The place caught fire and I called 911 and they came and took her away.  This gave me the opportunity to move across the street.  The little girl who lived there, Sierra, adopted me and I lived there two years until Sierra’s parents divorced.  Then we all moved in with Sierra’s grandmother.  And she was absolutely horrible.  She hated cats and was scared of us.  She beat me with the broom and vacuum cleaner hose whenever she could.  Horrible woman!”

“Bitch!” said Ginger.

“And that’s being polite!”

“What happened after that?”

“Sierra’s mom panicked when one night the old bat threatened to kill me with the garden shovel.”  Ginger gasped and put a paw over his mouth.  “So, I was given to the mom’s boyfriend’s brother.  And that is Shug.  We moved to Oregon not long after that.  Shug applied for a PhD in musical apollogy at the University of Kilcathclyde.

“Why here?”

“He wanted to study with renowned musical apollogist, Rufus O’Twiddelshanks.

“I’ve heard of him,” said Ginger, sitting up.  “He’s very famous.  He wrote an apollogic letter for Pope Quivox LXXXVI when he was being considered for pope.”

“I didn’t know that.  But I’m not surprised,” said  Bandit.

Emma burst into the solarium and called to the cats.

“Over here, Emma!” replied Bandit in like voice.  Both cats got to their feet.  “What’s wrong?

“You’ve got to get out of here, sharpish.  Myra Dick’s just come in to the office claiming she’s supposed to pick you up for Shug and Ina.  The backdoor’s open.  GO!”

“Can’t you stop her?”

“I’m doing my best at stalling to give you time to go.  I’ll use my DJ on her if I have to.”

“What’s DJ?” asked Ginger.

“Dutch Jujitsu.  Now GET OUT!”  They went to the back door, which was ajar.

“But I’m not allowed outside!” said Bandit.  There was the loud wail followed by a thud and then the unmistakable sound of smashing wood.  Both cats stared in the direction of the sound.  “I hope that’s Emma walloping Myra.” 

“Don’ worry, I’ll keep you right!”  And the two of them made their way into the filtered, Kilcathclydian sunshine.

©2011 Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.