Viva Espana!

ST MUCKYMUCK

Season 2

WRITTEN BY STEVEN GORMAN

WHAT YOU READ IS:

IRRELIGIOUS, IRREVERENT, AND IRRELEVANT.

THE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND EVENTS CONTAINED IN ST MUCKYMUCK ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL. ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCES TO REAL PEOPLE, REAL PLACES, AND/OR REAL EVENTS PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

"Good evening sports fans and welcome to Kilcathclyde Sports TV and another episode of 'McKiltie’s Craic', the wacky weekly sports banter show, with me, Kenny McKiltie, coming to you, live and exclusive from a very noisy and crowded Kilcathclyde International Airport.

And what, you might ask, is Kenny McKiltie doing there? Well I’m here, together with a multitude of football fans – too many to count - yep! At least 38 of them, not to mention 139 penguins, all here to welcome the Spanish national football team. Leading the welcoming committee is none other than KSTV's biggest supporter, Malky 'The Malk' Callaghan -  football fan, owner of Tempestfork Inn, several laundrettes and three ice-cream vans who also finds time to be  Mayor of Kilcathclyde. What a man!

Yes, the current World Cup holders have just landed here in Kilcathclyde for the friendly, fund-raising festive football match against our very own Sunday Pub League Champions Kilcathclyde Kelts in what promises to be an evenly-matched, thrill-a-minute, no-holds-barred, up-and-at-‘em soccer game. All part of the St Mocheomoc Family Feast Day Fete celebrations!

Refereed by none other than His Grace Archbishop Clementi Biscotti, who as everyone knows, is a very keen footie fan, the game will be beamed live by satellite to an estimated global audience of 45 billion soccer fans, coming to you from the playing fields behind St Moggie’s Infants School, the site of Kilcathclyde Kelts’ many great footballing moments. Tickets are, as we speak, changing hands on Flea-Bay for one hundred times their face value of 50p.  I will of course, as always, be your commentator for the day.

Ho ho ladies! Just look at these hunky, tall, dark, swarthy, muscle-bound Spaniards....and those tanned, lightly oiled throbbing thighs striding along the tarmac.....ohhhhhh......emmm.... ladies eh?

Ahem! But in the meantime, who have we here disembarking from the plane? Surrounded by the global Spanish football stars, it’s none other than the Spanish team’s mascot – Fernando the Zebra! He goes everywhere with the team – he led the them out onto the pitch at the final of the World Cup in 2010, was present in the dugout and joined in the team’s lap of honour around the stadium on that triumphant day. Fernando! Hola! Fernando! FERNANDO!!! Can I have a word???

So, Fernando....buenos noches! And may I say, what a fetching sombrero you’re wearing.....oooh! What’s that poking out of your saddle bag? Is that the World Cup? The actual World Cup???  Can I touch it? No? Oh sorry. You keep what in it? Oh I see.....ahem.....so Fernando – talk to me, amigo. Team news. Tactics. Half-time banter. Shower room secrets. Gimme the lowdown!

Wait! Hold that thought Fernando.....none other than Vicente del Bosque, team manager wants to give us an exclusive quote.....so, in a word Vicente, can you sum up your thoughts right now....??

“Gilipollas!”

Oh muchos gracias Senor....oh you’re in a hurry....yes I see...au revoir! Owwww Fernando! That’s my bunion!!!

Oh and in another KSTV exclusive, I can exclusively reveal that Senor del Bosque has just given me a hand gesture indicating he thinks Spain will win by TWO goals!!! How exclusively exciting!

(c) 2012. Steven Gorman.  All rights reserved.